Choose the One that Nurtures Your Soul

The person who truly loves you will nurture your soul. The person who wants to control you will feed your ego. They can feel similar at first—both bring a rush of attention—but their outcomes are opposites: growth versus contraction, freedom versus dependence.

Why we confuse the two

- Fast chemistry feels like truth. Dopamine from flattery can mimic deep connection.

- Familiarity isn’t safety. If you grew up equating intensity with love, calm care can feel “boring.”

- The attention economy. We’re trained to measure love in likes, grand gestures, and constant contact.

- Ego hunger is real. Validation isn’t bad—just incomplete. Without depth, it becomes fuel for manipulation.

What ego-feeding looks like

- Pedestal and possession. “You’re perfect,” quickly followed by “You’re mine.”

- Grand early promises. Love-bombing, future-faking, big plans with little history.

- Performance over presence. They adore your image, not your inner life.

- Conditional warmth. Affection spikes when you comply, drops when you set boundaries.

- Scarcity tactics. Jealousy games, silent treatment, crisis creation to keep you anxious and near.

- Transactional security. They want to lock down status, access, or certainty more than they want to know you.

What soul-nurturing feels like

- Calm aliveness. Less fireworks, more steady warmth. Your nervous system settles.

- Curious attention. They ask, “How are you, really?” and remember the answer.

- Respect for autonomy. “Us” doesn’t erase “you.” They cheer your boundaries and growth.

- Congruence. Words match actions. Affection doesn’t disappear when you disagree.

- Shared accountability. Repair after rupture. Apologies that result in change.

- Growth partnership. They’re invested in who you’re becoming, not just what you provide.

Green flags vs. red flags

- Pace:

- Green: Slow build, mutual pacing.

- Red: Rush to intensity, pressure to define/commit instantly.

- Boundaries:

- Green: “Thank you for telling me what you need.”

- Red: “If you loved me, you’d…”

- Conflict:

- Green: Disagreements handled with curiosity and repair.

- Red: Blame, scorekeeping, stonewalling, or punishment.

- Attention:

- Green: Consistent, ordinary care.

- Red: Peaks of adoration followed by coldness.

- Autonomy:

- Green: Supports friends, hobbies, alone time.

- Red: Isolates you, monitors you, tests loyalty.

- Truth:

- Green: Admits mistakes, shows their work.

- Red: Gaslighting, denial, changing stories.

- Motivation:

- Green: Love as a practice.

- Red: Control disguised as concern.

Questions to ask yourself

- Do I feel more myself with them—or more performative?

- Can I disappoint them and still feel safe?

- When I say no, what happens?

- Who am I becoming in this relationship?

- If the spotlight turned off, would the love stay warm?

- Do they love my growth, even when it leads away from their preferences?

Practical ways to discern

- Slow the plot. Real intimacy needs time. Delay exclusivity until you’ve seen them in boredom, conflict, and stress.

- Do a boundary experiment. Make a small, reasonable request. Observe response, not promises.

- The quiet test. Spend unstructured time without entertainment. Can you share silence?

- Solitude check. After seeing them, do you feel nourished or drained?

- Values alignment. Name your top five values separately. Look for overlap in action, not just words.

- Conflict rehearsal. Agree on how to fight fair before you fight. Later, did both of you keep the agreement?

- Reciprocity tally. Over a month, is care moving both ways?

- Integrate circles. Healthy partners don’t isolate you; they meet your people and welcome being known.

Attachment notes

- Anxious attachment may crave ego hits to soothe fear. Practice self-soothing and ask for steady, not flashy, reassurance.

- Avoidant attachment may equate intensity with invasion. Learn to distinguish safe closeness from control.

- Secure attachment feels like consistency, transparency, and mutual responsiveness. It’s learnable.

Healthy validation vs. ego inflation

- Validation: “Your feelings make sense; I’m here.” Strengthens your inner voice.

- Ego inflation: “You’re flawless; I’d be nothing without you.” Hooks you to their approval.

If you suspect manipulation

- Pause the pace. Take a week of space to observe your baseline.

- Widen support. Talk to trusted friends, mentors, or a therapist.

- Name the pattern. “I feel punished when I set limits; that’s not okay.”

- Reset boundaries. “I won’t continue if this continues.” Follow through.

- Make an exit plan. Safety first if control escalates.

If you want to be a soul-nurturing partner

- Be curious, not corrective. Ask three questions before offering advice.

- Celebrate boundaries. Say, “Thank you for telling me.”

- Repair actively. Own impact, not just intent. Change behavior.

- Invest in their becoming. Support goals that don’t center you.

- Keep ordinary promises. Show up on time. Keep confidences.

Simple exercises

- Journal: “Times I felt most myself with someone—and why.” “Ways I’ve confused intensity with intimacy.”

- Future letter: Write to your future self from inside each relationship type. Which life feels spacious?

- Body check: Rate calmness before, during, after time together. Track for four weeks.

The core truth

Ego-feeding relationships are spotlights: bright, hot, and blinding; when they move on, you’re left squinting. Soul-nurturing relationships are gardens: patient, seasonal, rooted. One demands you perform. The other invites you to become.

Choose the garden. It might grow slower, but it will grow you.

Julie O’Hara

THANK YOU for reading my work. I am a global nomad/permanent traveler, or Coddiwombler, if you will, and I move from place to place about every three months. I am currently in Chile and from there, who knows – probably Argentina? I enjoy writing articles, stories, songs and poems about life, spirituality and my travels. You can find my songs linked below. Feel free to like and subscribe on any of the platforms. And if you are inspired to, tips are always appreciated, but not necessary. I just like sharing.

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