Choice

You’re hurting. You are disappearing. You’re in a quantum state between being and not being. You are reaching out to the live ones (text messages):

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— I’m writing to you a bit broken. I just finished the relationship I was in and I feel completely devastated. I have no idea if I will be able to be the host I wanted to be. I just feel so weak and lost. I just want you to know in case you want to make some other plans, but if not, just for you to know. I thought, I was sure he was the one. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry I won’t be in the best mood when you come. Much love to you, L.

— Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Please just let everything settle. When I chatted with you a few days ago, I heard the powerful, loving, passionate Laura I’ve always known. [No wonder you heard that: I was with him at the time.]

— Thank you.

— Of course, sweetheart. I’m so excited to see you and travel around!!! You have so many great things to look forward to. [Really?]

— I wish I can believe you, but I can’t. There’s nothing, again there’s nothing. I’m still amazed that I could believe again. There must be a point at which you should finally understand that being with someone is not for you. Why do I keep on failing to see it? I have nothing, nothing. At least now I cannot see anything. I’m sorry.

— Sweetheart, I’m in the same circumstance. It’s so hard to find someone. You and I are special people and it’s just about enjoying life as it comes. [What?!]

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I do not know why people will come up with stupid solutions: the least you want is to think of someone else. “Un clavo saca otro clavo.” That’s what they usually say. What if “the remedy [ends up being] worse than the disease”? Besides, you can’t, you just cannot move on, you can barely move, wake up and “function”.

What if? Say what? What if they are right? You must be kidding. What if you open yourself to possibilities when you think everything is lost? “Choice is the most powerful tool we have in the mind. (…) It is your ability to choose what you want which will move you forward. If you do not like what is happening, make another choice.” Just like that, eh? “Realize that if you do not like your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, behaviour or situation, then it is your responsibility to change them through choice.” Ok, I can agree with that, that it is up to me. “State as clearly and precisely as possible: what I want is…” What I want is him back. No! “Say this is not what I want. I do not want this pain, grief, stress, misery..., what I want…” I do not want this pain and misery, what I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had. Yes! Sounds like you! It does, right? It somehow feels better. Just keep on repeating it to yourself, over and over again. Until it becomes true or what? Hush!!

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What I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had.

What I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had.

What I want is peace and the zest for life I have always had.

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Addressing the reader: What do you want?

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San Miguel de Allende, 2022