Celestial Romance

How do you fall in love when love is what you fear most? Yet love is all I have to give, as it runs deep through my veins. Love for the universe is limitless, the life I’ve been given, the person I am, the person I’m becoming, it’s all love.

But then…

There’s you…

The one that makes my heart race. The one that makes my chattering skull hush. The one who takes me to outer space. The one who is always there no matter what…

You were always there. And I keep trying to convince myself that my love isn’t you but it is… It’s always been you. In all of my chaos. But you give my chaos peace. Even when it hurts you, and I always found a way to hurt you.

But you stayed. Through all of it you’ve stayed, even when I didn’t deserve it. And maybe we… I, still have a lot of work to do… Dreams to chase, goals to meet, a life to live… I can’t picture it without you in it, without you by my side.

And it’s absolutely terrifying.

My subconscious trauma of abusive relationships deluded me into thinking I don’t deserve to be loved by such a caring heart. I never stopped to really look and think about how much trauma reared her ugly head into my self-sabotaging love life. Every scab I picked with you was just a reflection of the little things I hated about me.

All I needed to do instead of self sabotage was ask for space, because you already understand. Time to myself, time to find me. To remind myself that I am here, and to take care of me. Because I got so caught up in the world of us that I stopped caring about me to the point I blew up like the grenade of chaos that I am and tore apart the world around me.

I tell everyone that crosses paths with me that we are all deserving of love because everybody suffers. But never stopped to acknowledge my own suffering. My understanding of my own love and what I want it to be. Because I no longer want to be afraid of love. But I love so hard and deeply and openly that it makes me petrified of losing it yet I consume every bit that I can get in all its forms. But I don’t want to be a succubus.

But the thought of you with someone else, even just the thought of not having you in my life, because you are my best friend, you’ve always been my best friend, I couldn’t possibly bare it. You’ve picked me up at my worst, even when it amounted to unspeakable things, and you celebrated me at my best, you encourage me to grow and you praise what little I have given to you. No matter how many times my fear tries to kick you out, when I’m too afraid to ask for help and I give up. You fight. You fight with a light so bright that my darkness fades away. Even when you think it’s too late… I’ve learned it takes time with me, but you’re always there in my mind even when it may not feel like it. Even when I picked off all your scabs and left you to bleed you always knew just what to say or do.

I just kept destructing. Turning all the little quirks that I loved about you into bullets that pierced every time you spoke. When the truth is… I just think I don’t deserve your love, especially after the many times I continue to break your heart when you’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Everything I hated about you was just a reflection of myself.

Yet you still choose to love me… In all of my madness…

Nothing can compare to a soul as sweet as you. You make me feel like the only girl in the world. And I keep trying to believe what I preach that love should be free and that my love for the universe is limitless… But, my love for you…

My love for you is infinite.

I want my love to be free, with you. I want to grow with you. I want to watch you grow. I want to pick you up when you’re down and I want to celebrate you at your best and all the spaces in between.

Because no one on Earth, makes me feel the way you do. And if I ever had to stop staring at those beautiful blue eyes that gaze into my soul the way you do… I just might cry…

Because you love me the way I love the universe. With a passionate reckless abandon, no matter how much the world may scorn you. And it terrifies me, because I never thought anyone could ever match such a brash and bold energy of love like mine. But I want to burn out my fear the same way your light dims my darkness. So I can love you, too.