Caught Your Attention

Hoping that it worked because I really have a lot to say. First time I'm doing this. I honestly don't know how to start (shocking cause I talk a lot). Why is it more difficult knowing that anyone can hear or actually listen to what you've got to say. Why is it easier talking to yourself? Is it just me??!

Anyways I really hope all of this doesn't only focus on me but let's face it I am a bit of a narcissist. How though? How does one hate himself and still be a narcissist? How does one not see a single positive trait about himself yet sees himself above everyone else? No clue...

Is it always gonna be asking questions there's no actual answer to? Let's face it what question does have a definite answer? a right one? Some questions may even have multiple answers, depending on how you interpret it of course. Interpretation, that's a tricky context. It all depends on what kind of person you are.

Two types of people in the world. Those who see that there are only black and white. The rightful honest people. Second type are the ones who see gray in almost every situation. These are the people who often succeed in life. Then there's me, well, us. Those who still can't decide which side of the two is right. It's because our minds function differently, smarter (the narcissist in me again). Well if you are like me, "smart" as I like to call it at times, then you are one of the people suffering in life. Being too aware, being too smart, too careful, thoughtful whatever, it will only make you sadder. It's hard to be able to see things clearly. It's hard to be able to or try to understand everything around you. I need a break from me. It's too tiring having to overthink every single decision you or anyone around you has to make. But you know, we make the best of it. At least I'm trying to.

Things are weird. I have always thought that we reach a certain age where we just know how to feel. It's just a big old blob. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that it's a blob. What I don't like is how fast those feelings shift inside that blob. One second everything is going great, you know, but then, just a second later I wonder into complete emptiness and my mood changes a hundred and eighty degrees. I really can't understand my mind. It's like my battery runs out. Anyways whenever I write something I'm kinda in that mood but not really. It's better. Pouring it all into writing feeling like someone is gonna relate. Even if nobody reads it. The feeling that you are being heard or understood just does something. It reduces the loneliness, which is the issue to begin with I guess. People caaring to what you want to say does something. It gives us the feeling that we matter. I don't know if I'm overcomplicating things, but I always do. Why is that a negative thing anyway?

Sometimes it's all just way too much. Sometimes I just wanna shut it all off.