Catharsis

October 5

I cried on the bus three times this week. The kind of tears that burn your eyelids they've been sitting in your heart for so long. It's only cathartic if you can let it all out.

The bus was pretty empty. The sadness welled up in my throat until I thought I could choke on it and then welled up in my eyes and I couldn't stop the tears. They were hot, and they stung my cheeks and they were quiet. It wasn't cathartic.

No one has ever felt like you did. I guess it's true when they say that you never forget your first. I keep thinking that I'm over you but my body never has been and my mind keeps betraying me playing our song on repeat in the background and reminding me of the time I once believed in you. Before you proved to me, there are people that can be more in love with you than they've ever been in their life until they realise they're not.

I was over you for months, I swear.

I catch myself looking for signs everywhere and anywhere. Any chance that the universe might be telling me you regret never choosing me and finding love where it was easier and more familiar to you.

If I'm honest with myself, I think she is your soulmate. But I think you were also mine.

I look for answers in the cards and the stars because I can never truly ask you because I'm pretty sure I can't hide from my eyes what I swear up and down I haven't felt for you in months. You could always read me far too well.

October 6

I painted my heart out last night, in an attempt to paint over you.

Time is running out like the countdown on a crosswalk. I wish I had more time, but the lack makes me rush even more.

I made a playlist of songs that make me cry in a desperate attempt to run towards catharsis and away from the knot in my throat.

Instead, I feel empty, so the knot has plenty of space to lodge itself in the pit of my stomach.

I won't miss it if it ever leaves me. I think.

10:35pm

We used to share notes on a shared online document. I still have it and I don't know why because I opened it looking for something else and got kicked in the chest by you falling out of love with me all over again.

I think one day I'll delete it. I'm just not ready yet.

October 7

I think I was thinking about you too hard as I fell asleep last night because you were in my dreams as well. It was the first time in forever I was able to love you in my head without the guilt as if this is the way things are with no question. I let myself kiss your thighs and find my home in you once more. Sometimes I wonder when I dream of you so vividly if you have the same dreams too, and that's why those are the ones that stay so clear, like our sleeping minds synch up and we meet for what we're yearning for and because we know it's just a dream we think it's safe and private.

It's just a fantasy I barely allow myself as I wake, but I swear I can still feel your fingers through my hair.

October 8

It's almost 3 am and I feel like I'm spending time with myself and it's quite a nice feeling.

I touched myself without thinking of anyone or anything else other than how my body felt beneath my fingers with sad music playing in the background. It felt a little closer to making love and I didn't feel lonely afterwards. I still don't. I think that's why I'm not falling asleep yet. I want to sit with this feeling.

October 9

I looked at you today and thought "my next love will be better" and the thought made me smile. It's been over a year but I think maybe I'm finally getting over you.