Broken Love

You know what’s dumb? I hurt you, because I didn’t know any better. Because I had just come out of a relationship built off lies and drugs. You wanted to save me, but you weren’t ready for what that actually entailed. You loved me because I was crazy and wild, but after a while you couldn’t handle it anymore and the same reason that made you intrigued by me, also made you lose your mind and despise me. And it was my fault. Everything was my fault. But you see the thing is, is that I threw a snowball, and you turned them into avalanches. That wind I blew, you turned it into a tornado. Those rocks that were a bit hot, you turned them into a fucking volcano, and with your anger it blew up and destroyed everything in sight.

I have amazing memories of us together, but they don’t last long. I suddenly get these chills that run down my back, and I am no longer in my room, but in front of you, on the street, in your apartment, at the bar, in a hotel, as you scream. Sometimes incoherently scream, horrid things down my ears, making me feel like nothing, making me feel small, as my face becomes soaked in tears. And that hopelessness I felt in those moments, wash over me once again. You said I wouldn’t be able to live without you, and I believed you. What a silly girl I was to think I needed someone like you to survive in this world that you made seem crueler than it actually was. All I wanted to be was a light in your world, but you dimmed that too.

You knew all of my fears, all of my worries, all of my insecurities and faults, and you ended up using them to your advantage. To drag me down the hole with you. And here I was...giving you the benefit of the doubt, because maybe you would change, maybe you would change one day. But you never did. You never did. And I think that’s what breaks my heart the most.

But you know what the dumb part is? The way you still have the power to torture my mind and heart, and you don’t even have to speak a word to me. Its been a year. I try my best, every day I try to do my best, and somehow, sometimes, when night falls and I lay vulnerably those memories come back like a recurring nightmare, like I have ptsd or something.

And the dumbest part of them all, is that I recently broke down, and I wrote to you. I wrote a letter, apologizing. Apologizing on my behalf for the reckless behavior I committed as a 20 year old girl, when my intentions were only trying to love you as best I could, but failing each time I tried, because you never allowed love to fully live in your heart. The worst part is, is that I don’t even know if you’ve read it, or if you ever will read it. And maybe that’s what keeps me up at night. Some parts of me are so eagerly trying to let you go, for the sake of my sanity. But I am hurt, hurt you aren’t man enough to see who you really are when you look at yourself in the mirror and fix it. Hurt that your ex gets to talk to you more than I do. Hurt that I had the balls to apologize first. And worst of all, hurt that I would forgive you no matter what.

I pray one day I heal, heal fully from you. Pray one day you will heal from yourself. Pray I can move on from this pain I still feel in my heart and soul. Pray I forgive myself for falling for someone more broken than I was. For now, all I can do is thank you, for this sadness and pain has helped me write, has helped me create, and has helped motivate me to love myself unlike ever before. Never again do I wish to feel the wrath of another human being, never again will I allow someone to make me feel as if I don’t deserve to breathe the air of this world if the oxygen does not solely come from their own lungs. I will break free from these chains you have placed on me, and be whole once again.