Broken, but Hopeful

I can tell you that it gets better. Not right away though. Time does heal all wounds, but you have to give time...time. This is the part that is not always easy because you are more than likely still stuck in your head. Replaying every aspect of the relationship, did I miss something? Why did I stay so long when it was falling apart? What could I have done differently?

The short and honest answer is: It was already out of your control. There was nothing you could have done or said to make things better. Now let me make myself clear, this is not for those that have amicable breakups and can remain friends with their exes. No. This is for the woman that decided to open their hearts and was destroyed by the one that claimed to love them. I am a survivor of domestic "issues" with my child's "donor".

There are women who are like me, easy to please, willing to work on the rough spots, and unwaveringly faithful to a monster that only wants to inflict pain because they are hurting inside. We have heard the saying, "Hurt people, hurt people." Creating more and more hurt people that are continuing to spread pain to others. When you manage to finally break away, it takes time, so much time to heal from it all. It took me over 12 years to finally begin to heal from the pain of my past relationship with someone that I wanted to marry. I was violated, torn apart verbally, stolen from, and cheated on. I was too afraid to leave because he was making threats against those I loved and those that truly loved me. when I finally got free, I became a prisoner in my mind asking myself so many questions.

I replayed parts of the relationship to see how I could have done it differently. I reevaluated moments when I could have walked away, but chose not to. I even sat down one day and wrote a plan out for my younger self, if I ever had the chance to go back in time. I wrestled with my past and myself, lying to myself that I was okay when I knew deep down that I was completely broken. Could I love ever again? Would I want to love ever again? Would I want to put myself out there for someone that may end up repeating the pain I just escaped? This fear had gripped me for years. I did not want to move out of my parents' home into my own apartment. I did not want to try to better my life because I felt like my ex was going to come back and destroy it all over again. I prayed. I cried. I yelled. I gave up so many times. Then I hit rock bottom on Leap Year 2020. All of my past trauma and pain finally caught up with me. I had a mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital to receive psychiatric help.

When I was released, I came back fighting. Since I was now on medication to regulate my depression, I was ready to take back all of the happiness that I was robbed of. I got back into school. Right now, I am in my second year of my Bachelor's degree and am also working on my Master's so that when I graduate I will have both. I am currently awaiting to hear back about an apartment. Yes, I finally kicked my fear to the curb and applied for an apartment because I am ready to start living again. I have also been spending time researching ideas for a business that I would like to open one day. In the romance department, I kept my heart under heavy lock and key. I still had so much work to do on myself within myself. Recently, my heart has woken back up. She is cautious, yet curious and knows to not rush things.

So yes, it does get better. Like I said it does take time, but you have to put in the work. Don't just sit around waiting for someone to come and rescue you because you could be waiting for a long time if at all. Do not be afraid to seek counseling because talking it out can give you clarity. Be honest with yourself about what happened so that you begin to let it go. Holding on t it does not but fester the wound. Spring cleaning is not just for Spring. Clean out any and everything from that horrible moment in your life so that there aren't any reminders of what was. If you have to burn it, then do it. I sat outside one day and watched letters from my ex burn in a fire pit. I made sure to burn every piece of paper, every word so that nothing was left behind. Once it was done I felt so free, so much happier.

Yes, it gets better. You just have to give time it's time to do what you need. Do not be afraid to take back your life and happiness because we all deserve to be happy. That even includes you. Find yourself new hobbies. Meet new people. Try new experiences. Go back to school or start that business. Whatever you put on hold for that person, put fire to it again then start focusing on that. Many people think that going to a therapist is for weak people. That's not true. It takes an enormous amount of courage to say I NEED HELP then take the necessary steps to get it and stick with it. Your family and friends need you around, the world needs you around because there is so much to offer to the people you come in contact with. End the cycle of hurt people hurting people. The good in life is still there you just have to fight your way out f the darkness to find it again.