Breakups

So, if you don't know already, I'm single now. Not really looking for any relationship right now, I'm just mentally cooling off. And if you're also wondering, Jayson and I are still best friends, so it's ok. The only hard part is just me wishing we were still dating and having all the great memories we had while dating. I still want those memories to be with him. I'm at the point where I've accepted that we're just friends, but I'm still not sure about the feelings. He 100% knows that I still have feelings for him, but I really want to know if he does too. I haven't questioned him too hard about it for a few reasons. One because I don't know how to approach it and ask him. Second being I'm not sure he wants to talk about it.

Towards the end of our relationship, he said that he plans to hopefully try again another day when we're both mentally and financially ready. Long distance was really hard and it took a toll on our mental health. We both require physical affection in a relationship(cuddling, hugging) and it sucks that we weren't able to provide that for each other. I would love to try again soon, but I respect him and I don't want to push things.

On another note, he did ask me to get Tinder, as well as another friend, so I did. I'm currently talking to a guy and I'm not going to say his name out of respect for his privacy but he lives in my state and he's really nice. He's not someone you would typically see with me, I'm short(5'3") and young. He's older than me by around 7 years(it's still legal, I'm 18 so don't come for me) and he's 6'0", if not a little taller. He a bigger guy, but he's kind and caring, really chill. He's open and he doesn't judge, which is good for me because if you know me personally, I'm really weird.

But here's the complicated thing. I'm still trying to get over Jayson. Every little thing reminds me of him, every song I listen to, I see so many couple Tiktoks, everything reminds me of him and it sucks. I was setting up my Christmas tree earlier and it made me imagine him and I putting it up together. It got to the point where I started drinking a bottle of water and it reminded me of how he used to make sure I drank water everyday. It's hard to get over someone when everything reminds you of them.

Some people don't understand that concept with my past trauma with my adopted parents. For eight years, they physically and verbally abused me. Every single day I was called a failure and a disappointment. These days, depending on the person(usually Jayson) I apologize for literally everything I do, to the point where he'll get pissed of. But after eight years of being forced to think that everything I do is wrong, it's hard to stop that habit.

Jayson still asks why I'm not past that trauma in my life because it was in the past and it's over. It's not that easy to get over something like that, especially when it's similar to a breakup. I'm so used to living a certain way and all of a sudden, everything changes. Considering I hate change and it takes a lot of time to adjust, it's no surprise I'm still getting over it. But the reason I'm still anxious about it is because every little thing I do reminds me of them. I'll be eating an apple and I'll get reminded of how they use to make fun of me for "being fat", or I'll be doing schoolwork and I'll remember how they used to watch everything I did. They were always over my shoulder, they never let me out of their sight.

So yes, it was in the past and I'm still over it. But it's similar to a breakup. I still have dreams where they forced me to go back and I had to endure the everyday abuse. They literally forced me to hate myself to the point that I say sorry for no reason all the time. I think so low of myself and I have the worst self esteem. I put everyone else first before me, I even put other people's health before mine. I'll make sure that my friends and loved one's are healthy and hydrated, but I'll either forget or just purposely not follow my own example for the sake of others. It sucks, but I'm so used to it.

I was always yelled at for every little thing. I would sit down to do homework and they would yell at me because I was, "In someone's designated spot". I would respond with, "there's nowhere down here to do my homework", so I would go to my room and they would say, "No, we don't trust you enough to go in your room alone", so I had to always struggle to find somewhere to do my homework. Whenever I would stand up for my basic rights as a son they would hit me until I agreed with them. Whenever I had actual evidence or proof, they would guilt shame me into believing them and apologizing, even though they were the one's that were always wrong. They would make me feel bad for their shitty parenting(mind my language).

That wasn't all, but I'm saving other stories for another day because this is too emotional to talk about and if I type any more about it I'm literally going to cry and break down. But the breakup makes me think a lot. I understand that Jayson and I are single and we can go after other people. But it absolutely TORTURES me to imagine him cuddling or hugging or kissing someone else. He told me he's meeting up with a guy from Tinder this Saturday and I wanna cry. I support him 100% and I want him to be happy, but it kills me because I want to be the person to do those things with him.

When we broke up, he just said that we need time to focus on ourselves and he said he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. Then, still to my confusion, he gets Tinder the next day and already he's meeting up with another guy he thinks is cute. I don't wanna hate that, but in a way I do. I don't want to imagine him with another guy, and it also sort of bothers me that he doesn't care about me with anyone else. He said, when I asked him, that one day he and I could maybe work out. I doubt it because(and he hates when I say this but I'm being honest and I believe this is 100% true) he's already talking to someone else and I fully think that he doesn't like me in that way anymore, which sucks because I do. He always says to not focus on the future and to focus on now, but I literally can't because I'm always thinking about my future. For eight years I was trained to always focus on my future, and, right now, life freaking sucks. Yes, I'm in acting and modeling classes and I don't have anything actually bad going on in my life. But I feel completely lost and I want Jayson back. And, if you're possibly wondering, I don't talk to Jayson about some of theses things, because I'm fearful of his response. I know that he and I are probably never going to work out. I just need time to cope with that and process that in my head.

So, they guy from Tinder. I've already talked about him, but I have some more. His voice is honestly really sexy, and a couple times I've thought I was only talking to him for his voice. If you know who Corpse Husband is, imagine that, but a little bit higher(if you don't know who that is, look him up or else I will send your embarrassing baby pictures to your crush). I would honestly love to date him, and he's actually really respectful. He understands that, yes, he and I like each other more than friends, but we might only be friends, and he's ok with that, which makes me feel better. Guy from Tinder, if you're reading this possibly, hello, how are you? Message for you: If I don't date you, it's because I either went back to Jayson(though I highly doubt it), or I'll realize I'm not ready yet, or I'll date someone else from Tinder, but none of those options have a high chance of happening. But I do 100% want to go slow and just be friends for a little while, get to know each other and yes, there will be lots of cuddling and probably more. And a message to my parents: I know I've told you guys that I have Tinder and I know you probably read these stories because I post them on Facebook, so I just want to say that I hope you like this guy from Tinder, I will tell you his name and show you what he looks like if you ask. But I'm not the kind of son that tells his parents about his dating life right away. I love you guys though.

But, moral of the story, LEARN HOW TO GO THROUGH CHANGE COMFORTABLY AND DON'T GET STUCK OVER THE PAST!!!! I need to follow that advice, but I'm being serious! All the dumb stuff that happened in your past(or a loved one's) already happened. The only reason you should be concerned about that is if it is seriously affecting your life negatively and you have to worry(for example, worrying about how a loved one used to smoke a lot and now they have lung cancer. I apologize if I just triggered you). But your life will be SO MUCH BETTER if you just recognize and fully cope with the fact that the past is hopefully over and it's done. You're better now than you were before, so don't get tripped up over it. But, until next time :)