Blame it on Mercury Retrograde

Blame it on Mercury Retrograde! My flat tire, the miscommunication at work, anything that doesn’t go my way. Blame it on Mercury Retrograde. The planet appearing to move backwards always has weird effects. I blame it for all of it, just like everyone else. I blame it for the sluggishness to get out of bed, for the lack of motivation to do the bare minimum.

Most importantly, I blame Mercury for bringing me thoughts of you.

You have been out of my life for a long time now, but every so often, thoughts of you creep in, and I wondered "Why?". I took out my phone and when I checked Mercury was in retrograde. Now I blame the planet going in the wrong direction. I blame the planet for making me want to go backwards with it. I blame the planet for making me dream of you and my bed being empty once I wake up. I blame the planet for the thoughts of texting you. I blame the planet for bringing back all the good memories. I blame the planet for the phantom hugs and forehead kisses. I blame the planet for missing you. I blame the planet for you.

The thoughts of you must be the hardest to overcome. The only one I have no solution for. The only one I dread once they start. The one that makes me question all my life choices. The one that makes me go through our relationship with a fine tooth comb, to see what could have been better. Looking in every corner. Trying to figure it out like a calculus equation, but the answer is infinity.

Sometimes I think that if I’d know about the reversing planet years ago, things could have been different. Maybe when I dreamed of you then, I would have been able to understand what the universe was trying to tell me. Maybe leaving you before would have created less pain for me now. Maybe if I would have listened, your absence wouldn't be so grand. Or maybe... Maybe if I would have known, I could have understood better what our issues were. Maybe if I would have known about astrology and listened, maybe when I dream of you now the planet would be communicating something other than the loss of you. The absence of you.

Whenever you start creeping in, I push my feelings and thoughts back. I brush them off because I blame the planet. I post on my Instagrams stories, showing to everyone how well I'm doing. Showing you, how well I'm doing. Yet, this doesn't stop me from looking around wherever I go, thinking, hoping, I might see you. I might find you in the crowded room I'm standing in. And still, the thoughts keep appearing, you keep appearing… and I wonder…

What will happen once the planet spins back correctly on its axis? Will it take the thoughts and dreams of you with it? Or will they persist? Will this feeling of emptiness be filled? Or will I still feel like I’m missing the better part of me? What will I blame when Mercurys spins are no longer moving backwards? Will I go back to moving forward with my life or will I stay in the course it has lead me to?

That is the scary part, thinking my thoughts will continue to haunt me. Thinking my thoughts won’t let me go and I’ll have nothing to blame. Facing the fact that I still think about you, even when all the planets are aligned.

What will I do when mercury spins correctly on its axis, and I can’t blame the planet for me spinning out of mine.