Being Pisces

I have never been fond of fish; I loathe the taste and texture and smell. Though beautiful to watch darting to and fro through the water in a bubbling tank or the ocean currents, my innate fear of drowning and inability to swim, much less float, contradicts this obvious aspect of a Piscean: two fish swimming in opposition. Well, perhaps the opposition part is relatable. I always seem to be fighting the current no matter where I find myself. One fish flailing against reality, the other caught up in a surreal tide.

My life has been spent attempting to balance the fish within me. The journey has been difficult. It was as if I were a Salmon swimming upstream to spawn. As a young child my world was idealistic. From summers playing on my grandparents’ farm, to adventures in our backyard creek, life was whatever my mind could envision. A pebble in the schoolyard sandbox was a pearl; a glimmer of sunlight was a fairy flitting through the trees. With my little sister by my side, we became dragons soaring through the skies, paleontologists discovering fossils. Together we ran our own restaurant, cradled babies, designed elaborate stories with our dinosaurs and dolls. As we grew, those stories bled from our minds onto paper. Creativity was a friend when the outside world was cruel and friendless. I clung to words when social responsibilities overwhelmed me. What I could not express verbally bled onto paper in stories and poems. My diary was my emotional outlet and just as much of a friend as my sister.

The social component of my sign was near invisible throughout childhood and far longer into adulthood than was necessary. I earned “Most Quiet” in my high school yearbook, never went to prom or a dance or athletic event. In college I hibernated in my dorm room when not in class. As a novice teacher I could not say “no” when students begged for their lost recess privileges and I struggled every moment to maintain their attention with my soft voice. Older students were more difficult than younger, so it was not surprising when secretaries switched assignments in upper grade classrooms to those in lower grades.

Although more comfortable with the littles, the questions were never ending: Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend? How old are you? Do you have kids…One of the downsides to being Pisces is feeling things deeply, often too deeply. Whether being teased as a child for being quiet and shy or for being smart through high school or just being left out in college, I took everything, every word, look, jab, to heart. I felt the fish battling inside me.

Pisceans are mutable. They change. Their moods change. Their viewpoints change. They adapt with a gentle ebb and flow like the ocean tides.

For a summer I slipped within myself, emerging with a plan, though not well-conceived, which all but left me stranded and flopping. I was a true fish out of water struggling to survive in an unknown sea. It felt like I was drowning. The idealist world in my mind had burst and it was something words and books and nature could not fix.

Whether fate or luck or my own perseverance I glided right into the waters of a fellow Piscean. It was like looking at a reflection of myself only a more confident and social version. For the first time in my life, I had discovered something real, not an imagined universe. Over the next several months my confidence emerged, my voice became stronger, I saw the world expand in front of me. I took a chance on new opportunities; the most meaningful one was saying, “I do.”

I have heard that two Pisceans are not very compatible yet for me and my husband it has changed us both. I am stronger and take more risks. I speak up and am learning to share my feelings rather than keep them inside. Likewise, my husband has let down his guard and opened himself to new ways of thinking. Together, we are a force as strong as any tidal storm. We combine our passions, rescuing animals and people alike. We thrive in nature. We sow, we harvest, we create. Most importantly, we live and love deeply and passionately.

I am still not a fan of fish and my heart still races when the water goes above my knees, but I am still learning. I let my intuition and ever-flowing emotions guide yet not dominate me. Although happiest in my dreams, I can flow easily through the social intricacies of life. I can adapt. I can change.

After all, I am a Pisces.