Being (Em)Pathetic

Note: When I decided to give Vocal a try, I pondered how I would set myself apart from all of the other extremely talented people here. I came up with the idea to include a personalized song that related to each article that I post. It may be an original, it may be me singing a cover tune, it may be me singing with a guitar...or an ukulele...or a piano. We'll see how it goes.

The Song: For this article, I've decided on "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam. I've always loved the lyrics to this song. I heard it on the radio at the beginning of the pandemic in 2020 and the words resonated with me as I struggled to navigate our new reality. It tugged at my empathetic heart strings, as it were. LOL

The original song is a bit darker than I wanted, so I simply played one of my ukuleles and sang into my phone and here it is in all its non-produced glory. Sometimes a recording of one instrument and a singer can be powerful all by itelf and without all of the fancy producing. In my opinion, this is one of those tracks. I hope you enjoy it.

What's an Empath, Anyway?

I'll be honest with you, I didn't have a single clue what an empath was until I found myself liking and sharing memes on Facebook back in the early 2000s.

And before I get any flack (just putting it out there) about my having "male" in the sub-title: It just so happens that I am a male and this article is from my perspective. I'm very aware that other genders are also very empathetic, but I don't know their stories.

FYI: The above paragraph is a perfect example of the behavior of an empath. WHILE I was freaking typing that, I was thinking about how other people may view things. I shouldn't care...but of course I do. Ugh.

In case you're not familiar with the term "empath", here's the Merriam-Webster definition:

"One who experiences the emotions of others : a person who has empathy for others."

"If you feel the Earth's pain before an earthquake or have a panic attack because someone near you is anxious, you might be an empath too." — Hannah Ewens

As with any description of a behavior or condition, there are variations and degrees with each individual, of course. I'm certainly not the "bleeding heart" type who takes the day off of work to organize a funeral procession for a dead squirrel on the side of the road. I know some people who live like that and it quite literally consumes them. I'm very thankful for having a bit more balance in my life.

The Early Years

Having said that, there have been many, many times in my life where I have felt as the title of this article says: (em)pathetic. I can't tell you how many times I have simply been myself with someone I care about only to later look back and realize that I had either been taken advantage of or simply not respected because of the way I am.

I was the guy who was 14 years old, a freshman in high school and writing romantic poems and songs. Mind you, I was doing these things with a grand total of ZERO actual romantic experience more than listening to ballads by Lionel Ritchie, Chicago, Richard Marx, etc. And if you don't know those artists, yes, I'm old and also shut up.

I remember the confusion I had in high school when it came to girls. I would hear them complain about what an asshole their boyfriend was and how he didn't treat them well, etc. I was like, "Hey! I'm not like that! I'm right here!! Yoo hoo!!" But as I'm sure women over 30 can attest to, girls actually DO like "bad boys" when they are in high school (some never outgrow it).

I was the guy who actually listened to these girls. What'd that get me? The fast track to the dreaded friend zone. I didn't figure the entire thing out and gain confidence until I was in my 30's.

A few years ago I came across a t-shirt on the web that I wish I'd had in high school (I should probably order it now):

The irony of it all is that the tables turned later in life. I seriously cannot count how many women I went to high school with who have reached out to me on Facebook flirting, wanting to cheat on their husbands, sending me naked pictures of themselves (TOTALLY unsolicited!) and talking to me as if they actually knew me in high school. They did not. I wasn't the popular kid in high school. I didn't do parties or football games or dances. I went home and wrote songs and sang my heart out.

Trying Way Too Hard

I just remembered a situation that is a great example of what I experienced. I liked this one girl (I'll call her "Annie") who was absolutely beautiful and sweet. I was working at a video rental store after school (for about five minutes) and we would talk for a few minutes every time she came in. I somehow got the balls to ask her out (I honestly cannot remember the details). We were sophomores and I had a car...that was the perfect match from her point of view, I guarantee it.

I had never had a girlfriend at that point, so I wanted to show her that I was thinking about her, etc. (rookie move), so I went to a record store (I'm old) and found a 45 single of a song with her name as the title (her name was not Annie). I bought it, recorded it onto cassette and the next time I picked her up from school, I played it for her. Apparently that simple gesture didn't go over well. She communicated to me that she didn't want a ride to school anymore and we stopped talking. That one was a mind buster for me at the time. I couldn't figure out what had upset her or freaked her out.

She's happily married with grown kids now and we are Facebook friends. We even had a "let's catch up" FaceTime call last summer. She's just as lovely as she was when we were teenagers. We talked about many topics, old high school friends, raising kids, careers, etc. The story above never came up - heck, this could very well be one of those things that meant more to me than her. Likely, I'm sure.

Another example; I proposed to my first wife (yes, multiple marriages go along with maniacle – and untreated – empathy) by hiring a plane to fly over with a banner that read: "(Her Name) Will You Marry Me?"

Being Okay with Being an Empath

I turned 50 in 2019 and feel that I have a much better outlook on my empathetic ways. I had to get better perspective on things or I would have easily become a bitter asshole who simply took out all of the pain and frustration from my past experiences onto someone who didn't deserve it, like a new love, an old friend, a waiter, etc.

My personal solution was to make peace with this part of me. I decided that I liked that I was more sensitive to others than most and while it was sometimes difficult to navigate and I had to remember to protect myself, I didn't want to lose something that makes me, well, ME.

I'm a bit pickier who I "let in" and spend a good amount of time with these days. It took a bit to get used to that and I've slipped a few times, but the reminder is always there that other people (friends, potential lovers, etc.) aren't like me. Some will naturally take advantage of this part of me (not even on purpose) and many will not respect me for it. Trust me, I have experience in this at this point in my life.

Making Peace with the Trail of Relationship Corpses Behind Me

Looking back, I can see how my being an empath has caused me to commit to relationships with people who simply weren't good matches for me. It has also caused me (on more than one occasion, unfortunately) to stay in relationships longer than I should have.

I am absolutely afflicted with that crappy empath disease...the one that makes your brain tell you things like, "What if you just need to prove to her that you aren't going anywhere which will cause her to relax and finally be in a healthy relationship and you'll live happily ever after and blah blah fucking blah?" Yeah, that never works. Never. Ever.

So at 51, I find myself single and not even remotely looking for a relationship. It's certainly not that I don't desire a healthy, romantic, hot relationship with someone, it's more about me not NEEDING it to be happy. I'm not putting myself out there trolling for women. No online dating (never liked that anyway), no asking people to fix me up with someone, none of that. These days, NO ONE (I'm in California) is going to bars or clubs.

If I happen to meet someone organically and there's a mutual attraction, I will absolutely explore it further (hopeless romantic, remember?), but in the meantime, I'm focusing on my youngest kid (she's 16...not much time left), my businesses, my music, my writing...all the things that I'm most passionate about.

Who the hell knows what will happen in the near future, but the one thing I know for sure is that I'll be a bit more cautious. Not closed off. Not defensive. Simply paying closer attention to the signs that it's not a good fit for me. In the meantime, I'm doing great...you?