Banshee Sue

“Babe, I want to show you something.” Mitch grabbed my hand and led me out the front door, our brand new 100-yr old front door. We were city dwellers who had just moved upstate into a rustic farmhouse to escape the stifling pandemic.

Our farmhouse came with vast grassy farm fields, an old weathered wooden barn and a silo. Mitch and I, we were dreamers. I planned to convert the silo into a rock-climbing wall. Mitch planned to convert the barn into a bar and music venue where his band could rock out. Maybe one day our farm could be one of those animal sanctuaries.

Mitch and I had only met six months ago, but given the chaos of things in the city, I had been happy to be able to make this move together. Maybe one day we’d get hitched (my mother nagged me daily about that). I could see Mitch theoretically being “the guy” one day. The future was looking bright.

Mitch seemed a bit nervous as we walked down the path, the sun setting over the hills in the distance.

“Everything OK babe?” I asked.

“Yes Annie-babe,” he said and squeezed my hand.

As we approached the barn doors I recalled, he’d been out most of the day while I’d been painting our new kitchen.

Hold the phone, what had he been doing? ...now I was getting nervous.

He reached with his free hand to open the barn doors and I could see that the whole inside of the barn was filled with burning candles lining the walls. My first thought was - is this safe? My second thought was - ooooooh, oh noooo, is he going to pop the question TODAY? I had paint on my face and, hand to heart, I still had secret fantasies about my hot yoga instructor from Brooklyn who had taken off overseas just before the pandemic hit. Nitehawk, that’s right, his name was Nitehawk.

Before a look of massive horror crossed my face, I forced myself to smile and say, “Wow babe, this is beautiful, did you do all this?”

As an answer, he led me to the middle of the barn area where there was a giant heart made of rose petals. While we walked, I calculated an exit route in the event that one of the hundreds of candles tipped over and caused a raging fire. Once those calculations were completed, I started calculating an exit route for this entire situation. I mean, we had never actually talked about marriage… didn’t he know I didn’t like surprises?

He paused, turned towards me and started to get down on one knee. Everything around me began happening in slow motion. My mind yelled “Nooooooo” like on those commercials for paper towels where the kid tips over the bowl of soup in slow motion and the dog at the end of the table says “Yeeeeees” as he catches the spilled dumpling in his mouth.

Instead of the commercial dog's voice, right before Mitch’s knee fully hit the ground, I suddenly heard an ear-piercing, “Scrrrrreeeerreeeerreeet!”

I froze. Was that a screaming banshee from hell? Had Mitch made that noise? Had he brought me here to kill me? Wait a second. I looked down at him on one knee and he looked, well, like he was about to faint.

Amazingly, I suddenly relaxed as I watched him put a small box back in his pocket. It appeared that I was off the hook.

“Mitch!” I shrieked trying to sound perturbed even though I was suddenly feeling very relieved, “What was that?”

“No idea babe, no idea.” He blinked, stood up and looked around. It was totally dark outside now; the only light we had was candle light. We’d left our cellphones and flashlights back at the house.

“Scrrrrreeeerreeeerreeet!” came the sound, louder this time. Mitch ran over and grabbed one of the candles and held it up. “Aw look babe,” he said, “it’s just a little barn owl”.

I could see it now. An innocent looking little barn owl perched on a rafter.

“Wait, that little guy is making that sound?”

“Just wait here babe, I’ll take care of this,” he said, handed me the candle and ran off, leaving me in the barn, alone.

I stood there and began reflecting on all of the bad decisions I had made to land me in this moment. Mitch and I had met at a grocery store. It had seemed very sweet at the time, or maybe, in hindsight, I had just been very lonely from quarantine.

I suddenly felt awkward, just standing there, staring at the owl. The owl stared very calmly and quietly right back at me. I began to wonder, had this owl purposely come to my rescue?

I could hear Mitch’s steps approaching the barn, thudding along the dirt pathway. He came in carrying something. Wait a second, was that a rifle!?

“Hold up your candle, babe,” he said panting.

“Wait, is that a gun?!”

“Yeah, I wanted us to be safe out here in the country. I’ll try it out on this guy,” and I watched him aim a gun at the cute little barn owl that basically just saved my life and shoot. Reality check, this was the man who I had agreed to buy a house with.

The shot went wide. I covered my head with my arms and started running for the door, but then I stopped and looked back. That little owl had just saved me from a lifetime with a bird killer; I needed to help her.

As I looked up, I saw the owl launch off the rafter. Wait a second - strait at Mitch!

Mitch tried shooting again, but the owl was too fast. She swooped down with her talons extended. I held my candle in their direction trying to see if she got him. He screamed like a baby when she got close and she shrieked her evil banshee shriek right back at him.

I decided I was rooting for the owl with the glorious full-wing spanned swoop. I’d call her Banshee Sue. Nitehawk would seriously dig her if he was here. You know, if Nitehawk was here instead of Mitch, he’d convert this barn to a sweet solar-powered yoga studio, way better than some stupid bar with a noisy rock venue featuring sub-mediocre bands.

Mitch was reeling around now in circles trying to point his gun at the owl. I really should get some cover, this was getting dangerous. There was an old haystack not too far away that I ran and hid behind. Ugh, it smelled like manure and mice droppings. Ah, mice, that’s probably why Banshee Sue liked this place so much.

I looked up and there she was looking at me again. We had a moment. I nodded at her. We connected on a deeper level than I had ever connected on with Mitch. She turned her head, looked back at Mitch, screeched again, and suddenly I heard another ear-piercing gunshot.

Oh nooo! He’d managed to get her wing!

I saw her fall from the rafter and I heard her land lightly on the floor. Mitch and I both ran over. She was reeling and tossing, talons outstretched. He held up the gun to finish her off.

In a sudden fit of passion, I grabbed the long barrel of the rifle right out of Mitch's hands, raised the gun above my head and brought the handle crashing down on his head. He fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes. I thoughtlessly tossed the gun to the side as I leant down to see how Banshee Sue was doing, and I heard it knock a candle over. I turned and saw the candle flame leap up the closest board of the wooden barn.

Oh shit, I needed to get out of here. We needed to get out of here. I looked down. There was an owl with a gunshot wound and an unconscious bird killing boyfriend.

I went for the owl. She was helplessly flailing. I ripped off my red dress, threw it over her head, loosely bundled her up, picked her up and ran in my underwear towards the door. I’d be lying if I said she didn’t get me a couple times with her talons. I placed her gently on the ground and looked back towards the barn that was now smoking heavily. To get or not get… Mr. Bird Killer. I looked deep in my heart. Was I the kind of person who would leave a man to die in a burning building because I was afraid he would propose?

After a significant pause, I ran back in. I could see better now that there were flames blazing up the wall. There he was, still slumped on the ground. “Baaaabe!” I screamed as I ran over, “Baaaabe, wake up!” I shoved him, not gently. He was clearly out cold. A little voice in the back of my head wondered, is he dead?

I saw a wheel barrow. Right, we were in a barn. Excellent! I rolled it next to him and used all my yoga power (and a deep breathing exercise Nitehawk had taught me during a private lesson where he hadn’t been wearing a shirt) to haul Mitch into the wheelbarrow. Coughing from the smoke, I wheeled his ass out of the burning barn and out of harms way.

I ran to the house for my phone and called the animal emergency room to see if they could take a shot owl at this time of night. In retrospect, I probably should have called the fire department or paramedics first, but in that moment in time, Banshee Sue was at the top of my priority list. I called 911 from the car while I raced to the emergency vet’s office.

Banshee Sue did well at the emergency vets office and they said she should recover fully. By the time we got home, the fire department had gone, half the barn was gone and the rest was still smoking. Mitch’s car was gone. I never saw Mitch again.

I gave Banshee Sue his office for the length of her recovery, got a rescue dog the next day (who turned out to be much better company than Mitch) and sent Nitehawk an invitation to come visit.

From that day forward, I kept a stock of mice in the half barn for Banshee Sue as thanks for ending my streak of quarantine induced bad decisions.