Autumn

There are some friendships that are lifelong. There are some that are only based on location or proximity. And there are some that are only situational. No matter the circumstances of the friendship, all are worth something in their own way. So Autumn, this is for you. It may seem a little off-the-cuff, but then again, you’ve never lived life by the rule book. You are gone but never forgotten.

I remember when we met. You were sitting in this hipster café that I just happened upon. The reason I first noticed you is because you were everything I wasn’t. After getting my latte, I picked a table near you because something about your aura and vibe just really intrigued me. You were sitting there with headphones disappearing under a sleek bob with a razor-straight edge crowned with an artistically and annoyingly effortlessly tilted beret, head bobbing along to music only you could hear all while typing away on some story on your laptop. I was sitting there pretending to read wondering why I could never be that inherently cool and seemingly carefree.

I don’t really remember how you started talking to me, but next thing I knew, I wasn’t just staring at you like a complete stalker. You were having me read what you were working on because a sentence was giving you some difficulty. After we got your sentence sorted out, we started talking books after you asked me what I was reading. It turned out we both love equally Kurt Vonnegut and Nora Roberts. When I asked you what you were listening to, without embarrassment you told me your favorite artists were Fleetwood Mac, ABBA, and One Direction but you also loved to listen to instrumental music. What made me jealous was how much you owned loving your favorite musicians, even if some people would have turned their noses up at them. Those were my favorite musicians as well, but I never admitted to it because I hated to be judged for it.

Over the next year and a half, our friendship grew. You were there during some of the absolute darkest days of my life. During that time, you never failed to inject humor, wit, and a devil-may-care attitude. I leaned on you in ways of which you never had the opportunity nor the need to lean on me. In a lot of ways, that made me feel really selfish and like you were putting more into the friendship than I was. But oh the things you taught me. You didn’t know it, but you were my role model.

I watched as you floated through life like a raven floating through the air. Whenever I thought of you, I always pictured you as a raven. Why a raven? Well, you see, you were a creature that was fierce, beautiful, funny, courageous, creative, unique, and full of romance in a mysterious way. Do you remember that time I told that I was dealing with a lot of sexual harassment at the school I was working at? That spark of anger that erupted in your eyes and the steel in your voice gave me the courage to heed your advice and report it. I was brave because of you. I learned how to fight my corner because of you.

How about the time I got horrifically burnt while at the beach? When we finally arrived home after an excruciating bus ride, do you remember how my shorts fell off in full view of the driver because I had loosened them in an effort to be more comfortable? Oh how you laughed. At first I was really upset. Why in the world would you laugh at my misery and embarrassment? “When is the last time you remember someone else’s embarrassment?” you asked me that day. It was a reminder that life is just not that serious. If you don’t laugh, you may cry. And no one should spend life crying.

You passed away after I moved back to the States. I’m not sure exactly when it happened or where I was when you passed away. Your passing wasn’t abrupt and traumatic. It was more of like a gentle slipping away. Like you kind of just faded away. But the day I realized you were no longer around was the day I felt like soaring myself.

Now, dear reader, I have to tell you that Autumn is not a real person. Autumn is someone that lived in my mind during one of the hardest periods of my life. I was living in Ecuador as a Peace Corps Volunteer and going through hell and back. I dreamed Autumn up one rainy afternoon while on a bus with my “site-wife”; that is, the other Volunteer who lived in the same town as me. What started out as a joke turned into a way to view, reframe, and handle all of the difficult events and times I was going through. It was a way to find the courage, strength, and energy to keep going even when, and especially when, I no longer thought I could.

So while Autumn doesn’t have a Social Security number or even a last name, she represented a strong woman who could make it through and a woman who lived exactly how she wanted without excuse or apology. Autumn is me, and I am Autumn. Because of having a mindset I could retreat to and garner strength from, I have evolved as a person. Those characteristics of Autumn were ones I wish I had. She taught me to have them and embody them. I taught myself to have them and embody them. So while she doesn’t exist, her strength as a woman inspired me and saved me. And now I’m like a raven, soaring through life in a way true to myself.

And I hope Autumn’s spirit is soaring up there somewhere, ready to guide the next who needs her.