As Love Would Have It

It was a beautiful summer day and I find myself on the bench in Central Park New York again. There was a time I enjoyed sitting here in the middle of the hustle and bustle of what we call life. Now even though this is a reminder of what once was it is also the only place that brings me peace these days, and I am just grateful it is always empty when I get here.

Today was different though. Today when I arrived there was a little black book with my name on it sitting on the bench where Lana-Belle used to sit when we would come here to people watch together. There it was just sitting there with her name on it.

Lana-Belle Pheeny

Who put it there? How did they know her name? How did they know that I would be coming here on this day, at this time, to this bench…?

Do I read it? Or is it meant for someone else?

The trees in Central Park are all still and everyone is doing their own thing. When the strangest thing happens, and a slight breeze blows the little black book into my hands and I hear a faint voice whisper to me to open it and read it. I start looking around frantically to see who is talking to me, but there is no one even remotely close to me that could be talking to me. So, I stare off in the distance and try to process everything that just happened.

The sun was going down when I finally put the little black book in my bag and headed to the loft that is now my home.

I walked in the door, grabbed the little black book out of my bag before dropping my bag to the floor and locking the door. With a whirlwind of thoughts, I aimlessly head to my bedroom, I sit on the edge of my bed and I look around to make sure no one is watching even though I am all alone. Anxiously I start to open the little black book wondering what I will find.

It has been hours since I started reading what appears to be Lana-Belle’s journal. I am lost in her words and overcome by raw emotion as I read through our life story through her eyes. I can’t help myself; I can’t stop reading her journal it is all I have left of her now. At some point without even realizing it I must have drifted off to dreamland because the next thing I know I am reliving the most precious moments of our life but as an outsider watching the story unfold.

I remember this day I think to myself, as I watch Lana-Belle and myself go to her parents for dinner. This is the night she told her parents that I Phiona Pheeny, was her soulmate and that we were getting married. This is the night her parents found out for the very first time she was gay and there was no way she was marrying Kyle and building the life they wanted for her as she was building the life she wanted with me. I remember I was so proud of her for finally telling her parents how she really felt not only about me but about the prearranged life they had made up for her. We left her parents that night so high on life, it was a night I will treasure forever.

Next thing I know I’m waking up to the sun shining on my face. The feeling of pride from my dream has flooded over to the real world, to the here and the now. I lay there for a few taking everything in when a panic takes over. What happened to the mysterious little black book? What happened to Lana-Belles journal? Was it all a dream?

There it is safely resting on my end table. But then I notice something I never noticed last night. There is something further back in the book, it is a crease or something. So, I pick up the little black book and flip open to the part in the book to see what it is. That’s when I realized that Lana-Belle had dog eared the page. She only ever did this if there was something she wanted to keep track of, something she didn’t want to forget. Curious as to what it was that she thought was important enough to mark the page I look own and begin to read her beautiful writing.

September 11, 2001

Today I went to the bank and made a deposit into our joint savings account for twenty thousand dollars. I can’t wait until Phiona sees how close we are to the down-payment for our dream home. It’s going to be a surprise for our Anniversary. She is my forever, she is my always.

L.P.

It was her last entry. I can’t help the tears that are flowing down my face. I miss her beyond words and even after her tragic death she is still taking care of me.