Are You Living in Fear?

This post is darker than my normal posts, but I feel it’s time to address it. I'm addressing a common trait of those who have lived through trauma:

Fear.

How are you doing today? I mean really. Are you putting on a brave face or are you happy?

Are you having a good day, or a not so great day?

I’m deliberately not saying the word “bad.” Bad is a word that is used way to often, and comes with negativity. I try not to be negative because life is too short and many people are unhappy in our world.

I’ve already lived in a horrific reality during my childhood where I was brought up by abusers and killers. I don’t want my negative past to follow me into adulthood, nor do I want my kids to use the word bad for everything that isn’t going their way. So, instead of saying the word bad to convey how I’m feeling; I choose not so great among others.

I still live in fear… There I've said it to those handful of readers who will see this post.

When I cut ties with my abusive bio-family, it took me years to start feeling safe again. Even though I flew hundreds of miles to start again, my trauma memories laid dormant in my brain - waiting for a moment to erupt.

I went from being alone, and not talking to anyone, to being comfortable around people. The journey was not easy but I realized that I needed people in my life.

I was accepted to college doing my teaching program and I felt had life under control. This was the first time that I had ever felt okay around other people.

Then just when I started feeling safe, I reached out to mother. She in turn let me down in the worst possible way by revealing my married name, and where I lived to my so-called father.

It’s now been over a decade since mother’s unforgivable deed, and I still live with fear every day. The fear that he will kill me and my kids.

Yep, I said it out loud. I went there.

I’ve been to therapy, and I still cannot shake this feeling of fearing for my life. The fear is there because mother told him where we live.

Living in fear does take its toll. If you are living with fear after having suffered trauma, these might resonate with you too:

* I’m hyper-vigilant and always looking over my shoulders.

* I'm over protective of my kids.

* I don’t trust easily.

*I prefer doing everything myself.

I’m also hypersensitive to stressors and triggers.

I like being busy with my kids, and I enjoy my life as much as I can. I have my work and my MFA thesis. I try and be up beat and happy, but I also feel tired of battling that fear every day.

Do you recognize any of this?

Do you tell your loved ones how you really feel?

When you have lived with trauma and abuse, you will have good, and not so great days. It’s part of surviving, and moving on from those events.

Healing takes time.

I know that I’m not alone in feeling like this. I hope through our community here on Vocal Media that we can support each other and talk about how we feel.

My name is Lizzy, and I’m a mom, teacher, author and mental health blogger. I write for those who don’t always feel that they have a voice. For more about me, my books and articles check out my website: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

Support my writing, and buy me a coffee. I love a Cappuccino with chocolate sprinkles (Yes because I deserve them.)

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