Apologizing for No Reason: My Learned Habit

When I was growing up, I was taught to always say “sorry.” It was considered polite and a way to avoid getting noticed or punished. I did my best to be a good girl and stay out of trouble. Despite my efforts, the adults around me would still find something wrong and ask me to apologize. I didn’t realize I could stand up for myself because no one taught me that.

As an adult, I talked about this habit of saying sorry in therapy and it seems it has stayed with me since childhood. I found myself saying sorry even when I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was like a reflex, something I did automatically.

We need to be ourselves and apologize only when it’s truly necessary — when we have done something wrong.

Now, as a parent, I want things to be different for my kids. I’m teaching them to be brave and stand up for themselves. The world doesn’t work the way I was taught. We need to be ourselves and apologize only when it’s truly necessary — when we have done something wrong.

Research Backs It Up

Two research studies support this idea and I was very grateful to read them.

First, a study by Dr. Tara Swart tells that the constant apologizing, especially for things we didn’t do, can be a trauma response. It’s the way our brain tries to protect us from perceived threats, even when they’re not real (Swart, 2019).

I used to feel threatened and always kept on my toes, not to disturb or make any adult angry when I was small. I feel so sorry for the little girl I used to be. In therapy, I learned that I can be compassionate even now (it’s never too late to heal the inner child) and show love by hugging myself. Maybe it sounds funny or nutty, but it does do wonders at the soul level.

Another study by Dr. Harriet Lerner found that over-apologizing can hurt our self-esteem. When we say sorry too much, we start to believe that we’re always wrong, which isn’t true (Lerner, 2018). Teaching kids to only apologize when necessary helps build their confidence and self-worth.

Well, I was taught to apologize as much as possible, because it was the safe thing to do in those days. Or was it really? I felt I was always wrong and rarely had the strength or determination to stand my ground. I was deemed shy and good for nothing. They laughed at my passion for art, saying I would never earn a living through drawing or painting. I felt small and wanted to become invisible, and I felt sorry for it again.

The Impact on Adult Relationships

Constantly saying sorry, even when it’s unnecessary, can have a significant impact on adult relationships. When you apologize too often, it can send the message that you are insecure or lack confidence.

This behavior, in the case of my grandma, attracted partners who took advantage of her apologetic nature. She was seen as easily to be manipulated or controlled. My heart cries for her even now that she is not with us anymore.

Over-apologizing can disrupt this balance, provoking unhealthy dynamics.

In relationships, it’s very important to maintain a balance of power and respect. Over-apologizing can disrupt this balance, provoking unhealthy dynamics.

Partners who are more assertive or domineering might exploit your tendency to apologize, reinforcing your feelings of guilt. This can create a cycle where you feel the need to apologize even more, further diminishing your self-esteem.

I am lucky I started my healing journey before getting into such relationships. But, I have the tendency to feel guilty often times still, to the point of saying sorry for not doing some self-imposed chores or such, even though nobody expects this from me.

I found a study by Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, who found that self-esteem and assertiveness are key factors in healthy relationships. When one partner constantly apologizes, it can lead to a power imbalance that harms both individuals’ well-being (Kiecolt-Glaser, 2001).

A New Way Forward

In our family, we are learning a new way. My kids are taught to be themselves, to stand up for what they believe in, and to say sorry only when they have done something wrong. It’s important to be polite, but it’s also important to be honest and strong. We don’t need to apologize just to keep the peace or avoid trouble.

Teaching kids this balance helps them grow into confident and self-assured adults. They learn that their voice matters and that they don’t need to hide behind unnecessary apologies. This way, they can face the world bravely and be true to themselves.

Breaking the Cycle

To foster healthier relationships, it’s essential to recognize and break the cycle of over-apologizing.

You could start by evaluating situations objectively.

Did you actually do something wrong? If not, resist the urge to say sorry.

Practice expressing your feelings and needs confidently without apology. This change can help you attract partners who respect and value you as an equal, leading to more fulfilling and balanced relationships.

Saying sorry is not always the solution. Relationships could and should be more about talking openly and respectfully with eachout about our troubles. Let’s try to express ourselves more without hiding behind apologies.

Did you use to say sorry a lot when you were a kid or still do it?

What is your reflection after reading my story?

Please let me know in the comments.

Thank you for reading! I appreciate you.

Citations:

• Swart, T. (2019). The Source: The Secrets of the Universe, the Science of the Brain. Random House.
• Lerner, H. (2018). Why Won’t You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. Touchstone.
• Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. (2001). Marriage and Health: His and Hers. Psychological Bulletin, 127(4), 472–503.

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Thank you, Libby, for the prompt in DEP Relationship Column. I used the following one:

How often do you apologize when you haven’t done anything wrong? This is a common trauma response.

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Disclaimer: This article was previously published by the author on Medium (with pen name Eleanor Writer).