Anxious Attachment Styles and How to Cope In Relationships

What is an attachment style?

Attachment theory is a behavioral theory that strives to explain how different human beings connect with each other and function in romantic and platonic relationships during their adult lives.

Our attachment styles are built on the foundation of our relationships with our parents or primary caregivers starting the day we’re born. How our emotional and physical well-being is treated and nurtured will have long-term effects on how we relate ourselves to virtually everyone — from romantic partners to completely platonic friends. Before we dive into anxious attachment and different ways to cope with it, let’s first go over the various attachment styles and their roots.

Different Attachment Styles

Anxious/Preoccupied

Some signs that you may have an anxious or preoccupied attachment style include:

-Needing constant reassurance

-Fearing that your partner or friend is going to leave you

-Craving intimacy from your partner but still feeling empty and unsatisfied

According to the Attachment Project, anxious attachment styles most often originate from unpredictable and inconsistent parenting. They are the result of being uncertain of a parent’s next move or if you are deserving of your caregiver’s love. This leads to fears of abandonment and questions of self-worth. While this childhood trend often causes anxious attachment styles later in life, this is not the only way said styles are formed. Sometimes, anxious attachment styles are molded by overbearing and overcontrolling parenting techniques or childhood trauma of a different kind. These are just some of the most common causes, and they are not the exclusive reasons somebody may suffer from an anxious attachment style.

Avoidant

Some signs that you may have an avoidant attachment style include:

-Straying away from physical touch

-Avoiding real emotions or feelings

-Fear of getting close to somebody

Avoiding asking for help from a friend or partner

It is believed that avoidant attachment style is often the product of a parent or caregiver discouraging crying or showing emotions as a result of sadness, avoiding physical contact or touch with their child, and showing a lack of consideration or even annoyance when their child comes to them with a problem. These parenting patterns can lead to said child repeating the cycle in their adult life, whether that means avoiding emotional conversations with their partner or denying physical touch as a love language.

Secure

Signs that you may have a secure attachment style include:

-Being able to express emotions without trouble

-Knowing the purpose you want to fulfill in life

-Knowing how to communicate what you need

-Ability to reflect on your relationships — platonic or romantic

Secure attachment styles are often the result of a child feeling safe, loved, valued, and reassured as they grow and absorb the contents of the world. When the parenting pattern is predictable and the child is not uncertain if they are cared for or wanted, a secure attachment style has a significant chance of forming and becoming known in that child’s adult life.

How can I cope with an anxious attachment style?

Take it from somebody who knows firsthand — having an anxious attachment style can feel scary and overwhelming. More often than not, you’re enduring a constant battle in your head and hoping your partner or friend won’t leave because you’re too clingy or need too much reassurance.

An anxious attachment style is complex and hard to navigate, but there are a few key things you can do to ease your nerves and calm the storm.

Educate Yourself

The first thing I recommend is something you’re already doing — educating yourself. Reading blogs about anxious attachment styles and looking at studies can help you understand why you feel the way you do in your relationships. An anxious attachment style can feel suffocating at times, but these online resources help you understand that you’re not alone.

There are also a ton of books and physical resources that can tell you about different attachment styles and ways to alleviate their symptoms. One book that I really recommend is Insecure in Love by Leslie Becker. This author explains attachment theory and focuses on anxious attachment styles. She talks about different scenarios and the history behind feeling insecure in love.

Don’t be afraid to analyze yourself and how you behave in different relationships. Reflect on the roots of your anxious attachment style and your attachment history to understand why you view emotional connection the way you do today.

Practice Self Care

One interesting thing about an anxious attachment style is that it can be all-consuming. You spend so much time worrying about your partner and whether they’re showing any signs of emotional unavailability, that you forget to focus on what matters most: you and your emotional availability.

What I’m about to say may be difficult to comprehend, but try to disconnect from your fears and uncertainties and spend a day assessing your needs. Take a warm shower. Play your favorite songs. Clean your room and light some candles. Do something you’re passionate about.

Losing yourself in your anxious attachment is easy, it’s finding yourself again that’s hard. Don’t forget to take care of you and do the things that make you happy.

Communicate Your Needs

The most important thing in any relationship is communication — to hear and to be heard. When you’re with somebody, you have already connected on a deeper level. They care about your needs the same way you care about theirs.

The best way I can explain this is to communicate like you would want your partner to communicate to you. If you need compliments and reassurance, make that known. If you need physical touch, tell them that in the beginning.

Nobody in this world is a mind reader, and once you’ve expressed your needs and desires, your partner has no excuse. Uncertainty is poison when it comes to anxious attachment styles, so never leave room for confusion or miscommunication. If your partner or friend steps up, then it will make your life a lot easier, and knowing what you need in a relationship will make their life a lot easier.

Talk to a Therapist

The best thing I ever did for my anxiety was going to a therapist. I know this may seem cliche, but they have years of education on the subjects of psychology and attachment theory, and sometimes it can just be nice to talk to somebody.

A lot of times with anxious attachment styles, we fear confrontation so we bottle all of our insecurities up and hold onto them until we explode. It’s not healthy and it does more harm than good.

Scheduling a session with a licensed professional can lead to a world of opportunities, from learning new coping methods to discovering stuff you didn’t even know about yourself.

Date Somebody with a Secure Attachment Style

I know you can’t choose who you love, but in the early stages of dating somebody, it can be beneficial to get to know their attachment style. According to one study, around 66% of people in America have a secure attachment style. That really wouldn’t make you a picky dater, and you’d have a pretty good chance of finding a compatible partner that feels secure enough in themselves to offer you the reassurance you need when you need it.

Conclusion

Anxious attachment styles definitely don’t make life easy, but there are ways to calm the severity and feel secure in your relationship. Be honest with your partner or friend. Communicate your fears and what would help you feel better. Take care of yourself even when you don’t want to, and never lose sight of the things you’re passionate about.