Anxieties

"Head right.

It's not cold out. I'm just getting a little worked up.

Deep breath, head right.

The meds aren't helping. It feels like everything's closing in around me.

Can't breathe. Head right. Head right.

It's all gotten so overwhelming. I feel like I can barely handle talking with loved ones anymore.

Head right. Crying.

Yes. Yes. For the last time, I took everything I needed to today. Please, stop asking the same question.

Head right.

It hurts. Why does it hurt? I don't feel any pain. My mind is too fucked up to feel any pain right now. Then why?

Hands clench. Fists. Head right.

Tears, the screaming. Curled up in bed with no escape. Too overwhelmed to cry out for help when I know I need it.

My own mind turns on me. It's getting worse. I can tell. But I don't want to admit I'm going crazy.

Voices repeating, I can't hear my own screams anymore. Far away where no one can get to me.

Head right. Strike

Trying desperately to come back. To cry out for someone to help me. Someone I trust to tell me it's okay when we both know I'm not. Something isn't right. This isn't normal.

Strike. Pain. Head right.

More screams and tears, the voices grow louder. I can feel everything squeezing me tight, forcing every molecule of air from my lungs.

I'm dying

Head right

Silence.

The voices stop and I can hear myself again. The struggle to catch my breath, to clear the fog in my mind. Finally feeling the touch of the one close enough to see that I was falling apart.

But I can't think.

I'm trying to pull myself together. I can't remember where I am, what I'm doing. But the voices are silent. The tears are drying, I can take a breath without choking on my own tongue.

Stillness.

My head hurts, but I ignore it. I'm tired. I'm ready to curl back up. Sleep the rest of the day away and hope tomorrow is better.

I'm settled down, but I know that it's only temporary. I ignore the lingering fear that I'll break again as I start drifting off to the peaceful nothingness that sleep brings.

Head right."

She set her pen down after some time, hand shaking. Her eyes scanned the pseudo-poem in front of her that she had just written. After maybe 30 seconds of staring at the paper, she crumpled it up and threw it away. She was still having trouble calming down. She started pacing for a moment before hearing a voice pipe up.

"She needs to chill out a bit" It was in a hushed tone, but not so quiet that she could not hear. The shop-owner offered her a vape-pen, probably noting her pacing and shaking.

The shop-owner tried fooling her into taking a drug that would put her down and out for a little bit. She knew better. There were quite a few stoners in the area, nevermind in the store. She turned it down, returning to her belongings and looking for something to keep her mind occupied.

Meanwhile, she's screaming on the inside. She spends every day on the verge of panic, wondering about 90 different things at once. In the mornings, she curls up in bed, thinking about everything that will go wrong that day. It's enough to keep her there for the entire day if she let the thoughts get to her.

Her mind races almost every second of the day. The smallest things can set her anxiety on fire. She worries about simply walking into a room, when all eyes turn to her. She watches her greetings, thinking that she said the wrong thing and that everyone hates her now. Even standing in one spot for too long sways her mind into thinking that she has done something wrong.

If something goes even slightly wrong, she thinks of every possible way she messed it up. Her mind goes wild for days as she obsesses over how she messed up everything. They ask if she's okay and she only nods, not wanting to bother people with her problems. If she talks too much, she worries she's bothering everyone. If she's too quiet, she worries people think she's weird.

There's never a balance. She's always worried or scared for something or another. Everything is falling apart in her mind and very few moments exist where she worries about nothing at all. It's a peaceful time, but it's immediately broken by the smallest of insecurities.