And Nobody Died

She looked at me with the most horrified look on her face as I regaled her with, what I thought, was one of the most hilarious stories of a family vacation. In my defense, any story that I can end with “and nobody died” is a good story. Another lady was laughing with me, so fuck that other bitch it is a funny story. It is hard to find people I can truly be myself around, but I’ve decided to no longer water myself down for people. At that point I also had not really realized that many of the things I have lived through or was living through were not actually “normal” or “funny” The lady laughing? HA, she had just as messed up past and present as I did and could seriously identify with the “and no one died” mentality. We became fast friends as laughing at the dark stuff we have survived tends to bond people in a way that no one else could understand - dark humor is an awesome coping mechanism and bonding tool.

When you have lived through hell, you have learned to laugh at the sickest shit. Why? Because you see the audacity of the illusion, the frailty of life. No one is getting out alive, being sad about that is not going to stop the inevitable. So why waste your energy on crying or being sad? You are stuck in the pit fires of hell on a daily basis, may as well find the humor in the macabre, otherwise you will lose your ever-loving mind.

The family vacation story is still funny in my opinion, it was frightening and scary at the time, but once it is all said and done…. NOBODY DIED. The day started off the same as any other family vacation day - Captain McFucknuts yelling at the kids for being kids and not moving fast enough. He had big plans of striking it rich at the Crater of Diamonds State Park - you know, you get to keep whatever diamond you find and he was going to find a BIG one. Kids are excited, they want to dig and pan too - they would LOVE to find a diamond too, but I really think they were just excited to have family day where they get to dig in the dirt.

I brought the brightest, orange shirts for them to wear - like construction orange - because if you’ve ever been to the Crater of Diamonds, you know it’s just a wide open field and if you have kids you know they wander off in a blink - so the brighter the shirt the better to see them. As I am getting them dressed, sunscreened, etc… Captain McFucknuts is loading his stuff in the truck, then I load the kids gear and we are finally off. OH but wait, we have to eat, crap - THE DIAMONDS WAIT FOR NO MAN - but at least Em’s Cafe has really good food and they are fast. Too bad our kids can’t be fast - I mean, really, who do they think they are - they have to talk to everyone and promise to bring our waitress back a pretty rock. HOLY CRAP CAN’T WE JUST GET TO THE CRATER CAPTAIN MCFUCKNUTS HAS A FORTUNE IN FLAWLESS 3 KARAT DIAMONDS WAITING FOR HIM TO FIND. Crap, here come the tears, great Captain, thanks for yelling.

Finally, we are out and ON OUR WAY TO HIS, I mean, OUR FORTUNE!!!! The lines are not long - great I guess not many people are here (HAHAHA, ok fuckwad, I saw all the cars in the parking lot, lots of people here they just got here really early) We get the screens, kids don’t need any - they don’t know what they’re doing. They can just dig, put the dirt into the bucket and bring it to the sluicer while Captain McFucknuts does all the sifting - that sounds like a GREAT idea, right? HAHAHAHAHAHA how about WRONG. Kids wanted the WHOLE experience - dig, sift, sluice. They didn’t want any of that “daddy does everything and we sit here and watch” because that’s not how it’s done. The screens were only $4, so seriously - get them their own damn screens. I got a resounding “NO”. Fine - listen to them scream. At this point, Pootbutt is full on done with his daddy’s shit and won’t even look at him while Stinkweed is irritated but still willing to go along with the bull. We get the buckets, shovels, screens, umbrella, and all the other gear and trek out to the most perfect spot Captain McFucknuts researched for HOURS on the internet for his impending fortune so he NEVER HAS TO WORK AGAIN.

We had decided to go in October, because it was supposed to be FALL… COOL… WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS HEAT?!?!?!? We finally find a spot - not the perfect spot mind you Pootbutt and Stinkweed are dying, there are no trees at the crater and there are no clouds in the sky - it’s as hot as satan’s asshole after eating the fire wing’s challenge at Buffalo Wild Wings. I dig a hole for the umbrella, we set up the chairs, kids start digging - everyone is happy, right? HAHAHAHAHAHA WRONG. No diamonds have been found yet, why aren’t we rich? Why can’t I use the sifter? I want the sifter. Why does daddy have the sifter? I want the shovel. Why does daddy get to use the shovel? I actually brought shovels for everyone.

At this point Pootbutt is done with daddy, done with digging (it’s been 10 min) and done with the whole idea of being outside (he has a genetic disorder where he really shouldn’t be out in this heat anyway, but that’s a WHOLE other story that at this point “no one has died...yet”) and is being a full on shit. Stinkweed wants to help daddy sluice (“HELL NO SHE’S NOT HELPING ME, I’VE GOT DIAMONDS TO FIND”) so I suggested that he take her with him and she can put the dirt on the screen and he can sift, you know team effort - he reluctantly agreed.

I pour water all over Pootbutt’s head and he calms down… he digs a bit, sifts a bit with the beach toys I brought; a hot, convectional breeze comes by to remind me that satan likes to fart, but all in all we calm down enough to no longer be in meltdown mode. Stinkweed and Captain McFucknuts have been gone for awhile, so I figure the divide and conquer has worked its magic; life is gooooood… I’VE GOT THIS SHIT FIGURED OUT… right, insert that gif of DiCaprio laughing on his boat from The Wolf of Wall Street because that is exactly how I looked when Captain McFucknuts walked up WITHOUT Stinkweed and asked me where she was. SHE WAS WITH YOU MOTHERFUCKER. Last time I saw her was following you up to the sluicing station. What happened then… oh he sent a 5 year old BY HERSELF to get more of the DIAMOND DIRT FROM MOMMY TO MAKE HIS FORTUNE.How long ago did you send her? HOW LONG? HOLYSHITBALLS BATMAN, BEST IDEA EVER.

The look that crossed this mans face showed me he did indeed care about his daughter, thankfully I didn’t have to kill him and bury his body right there, because I had the shovel and there were holes all over the place just waiting to be filled. When in an emergency situation, I tend to get super calm and meticulously slow, I will not freak out until the situation is completely over. I see panic is about to take him over as he is about to run to the Ranger station. I had to stop him because I know for a fact he has no clue as to what she was wearing. Captain, look at your son, she’s wearing the same exact outfit, her hair is blonde and in a pony tail - he takes off, I head back to the sluicing station to see which direction my precocious Stinkweed would head. I ask every person on the way - have you seen a girl wearing this exact outfit, blond pony tail? Well, if you do, please send her to the blue, green, and white striped umbrella, thank you, yes I know, her father is an idiot.

I get to the sluicing station, I look around, I ask the same questions. Some people remember seeing her playing in the water, but her grandfather wasn’t really watching her (hahahaha, no that’s her father, he’s just old. Yes, thank you, I know, he’s an idiot - blue,green and white striped umbrella). I step out of the sluicing station and do a circle look while Pootbutt stands nearby because “so help me I didn’t give birth to you to lose you”. I see Captain McFucknuts off in the distance, talking to a Ranger and then he’s off searching in an area she would never go 1. There’s no dirt 2. It’s too far from the sluicing station, or any sluicing station which is what BOTH kids wanted to do the WHOLE time. I look off into the distance to my left and there is a building, metal, an old mineshaft - wow, that looks interesting… really, REALLY interesting… if I were 5, heck, if I were 40 I would wander my happy ass over there. And at that EXACT moment over the hill comes this orange shirt girl with a blonde pony tail with a male figure which had a similar build to Captain Mc Fucknuts and a similar color shirt. My first thought was “wow, YEAH he’s a hero” then “how’d he get over there that fast?” then “WHO THE FUCK IS THAT WITH MY DAUGHTER? DID HE FUCKING LURE HER FROM THE SLUICING STATION. IMMA KILL AN ASS” but I quickly calmed because I knew her father SENT her FROM the sluicing station, she wasn’t lured. Then I noticed that this man was carrying something huge, HUGE. What the heck was that?

I started walking towards the pair, Stinkweed gives me a big ol’ smile and a hug. I, of course, became VERY southern as I do when I am in high stress situations as well as hide true feelings.

“Hey babygirl, where’d you go, I was worried.” I was speaking very slow and deliberate because I did NOT want to upset her, it wasn’t her fault on this one. Ah, well crap, cue the tears. She had been so scared because she couldn’t find me. Poor thing forgot about what the umbrella looked like so she went towards the mineshaft, I meant who wouldn’t, that thing was awesome looking and she thought that was where we were. Then the hiccups, sobs and snot mixed with the dirt made a wonderful paste on her face. I kept my eye on the man holding this rock who had brought her over the hill. He started talking - he was missing a front tooth and was super sweaty, seriously, his entire shirt was soaked which was proof satan was hating on all of us with his fire ass -

“This little one was wandering over by the mineshaft all by herself and digging in the dirt.” Saintly Hero said

“Hi, I’m Stinkweed’s mother, what was your name again?”

“Saintly Hero”

“Nice to meet you Saintly. So you were overthere this whole time, not here at the sluicing station?” I had to ask just in the off chance - I molested as a child so I will ALWAYS ask that question “And people will verify the fact that you were not here” he grinned, he was definitely a genuinely nice guy and in no way lured her away from any where.

“Yes, she was digging around that mining shaft and wandering around, we have a group of people over there, she walked over and asked me to carry this big rock she found to find her mommy because her daddy was too busy and had sent her off and she got lost. She’s a spitfire.”

“That she is. Where is your group exactly? Are you going to be here all day?” At this point I’m asking because he’s genuinely a nice guy and he legit just carried a 10 pound rock for my daughter over hill and dale. I always tear up when I think about him because if he hadn’t brought her back I don’t know what would have happened to her - she could have fallen in the mine shaft, a different person could have found Stink weed - who knows - all I know is that Saintly was instrumental in making this story end with “and no one died”. I was thinking of moving our camp over to theirs, and hanging with nice people, hell, I’ll buy the beer - wait, it’s Arkansas… nevermind, I’ll buy you some meth since that is probably more readily available

Anywho, I thanked him profusely, then Stinkweed, Pootbutt and I headed back to the umbrella. On the way, a Ranger stops us, I let him know to call off the search since I have the child in question. I get a pat on the back for the Orange shirts and also for dressing them the same so that they would know exactly what they are looking for. I had also taken pictures before we came into the mines which I reiterated to the Ranger because at this point - since the danger is over - my anxiety is about to creep up and I cannot remember what I have or have not told them.

Now the kids had been done with this adventure prior to to the excitement, so it came as no shock when they tell me they are leaving and done with this place. Fine, I think, I could use a stiff drink anyway.

Here comes Captain McFucknuts telling me about everything the Rangers are doing and what’s going on and what’s going to happen - still in full blown panic mode (bless his heart). He’s about to run off AGAIN without listening AGAIN when I have to yell HEY at him…

“Captain OBLIVIOUS, look around.”

“What?”

“Notice anything” kids are literally packing up all the shit… BOTH of them...HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA, it took Stinkweed giving him a hug for him to realize she had been found, poor guy.

Captain McFucknuts wanted to stay because he hadn’t found his fortune but he seriously lost my child at the Crater of Diamonds, so that trumps it… We need to maintain the “and no one died” ending. But the FUNNIEST, SADDEST part of the story is as we are hauling our stuff up the side of the crater, a man comes running by us… he found - I shit you not - a 1 karat diamond…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

I still have that rock (see picture) - we tried breaking it apart, so it’s smaller now, but it’s here and I will keep it forever. (Didn't keep Captain McFucknuts though ;-) )

Both kids also took the waitresses rocks, they were true to their word...

And me, I still think often about Saintly Hero he saved my daughter and helped bring her back to me, he was truly a miracle worker that day. I hope he is having a truly wonderful life.