An End to a Beginning

It was one of those nights. The kind you wish you could replicate and live over and over. There was an exhilarating feeling swirling in the crisp late summer air, and I felt unequivocally free. It wasn’t too often that I felt this sense of freedom and excitement; as a student, I spent much of my time in class, writing papers, studying for exams, and everything in between. Most of my summer had been spent running between classes and my part-time job cleaning vacation rentals, and trying to escape the heat while desperately trying to make progress on my master’s thesis; which taunted me all summer long. Things felt dull, and as I admitted to my best friend Eva the day before -I was stuck. Stagnant. Floating in a murky pond of “should’s”, “could’s”, and “if only’s”. As I see it now, sometimes you have to get terribly uncomfortable before you can muster up the courage to make a drastic change, and take control of your life again. I had gotten so uncomfortable with my day to day, and the mundane reality of my situation, that I was suddenly forced into a choice which I had never had to make before. My life up until then, had unremarkably gone according to plan. However, I would get home at the end of a long day, too hot and exhausted to cook myself dinner, only to have to clean up, get organized for the next day, and do it all again. The moment that I realized that I didn’t want to go to bed because the morning would come too quickly, I realized that this is no way to live. So as I had the first conversation that would liberate me from the prison I had created for myself, my voice trembled, my heart pounded in my chest, my palms sweat, but I did not hold back.

So you can understand now, how that night felt different than the previous nights and the nights before that, which had mostly consisted of me staring at my blank document while lying under the barely cool breeze provided by my wide open window and fishing for some spark of inspiration. Not only did I feel free from the duties I had placed upon myself, but I felt happy. I was smiling, like really smiling. I grinned at Eva as I explained the events that had occurred that day and we had a grand cheers of sparkling wine in celebration of a new beginning. Soon our friends Jolie and Meg joined us at my apartment and we caught up and laughed as we snacked and got ready for a long overdue night out. I was struck with awe at how supportive my friends were and appreciated them even more for helping me out of my rut. Jolie’s eyes sparkled with enthusiasm at my story and Meg looked so beautiful with her summer tan, her presence alone made me want to live a life of adventure. “I’m SO excited for you!” Jolie kept saying, and Eva nodded knowingly.

We broke loose into the evening walking to the next neighbourhood where there was a pub that held an open mic night and two-for-one tacos. I always felt that this time of year, when summer comes to a close and the warm summer nights shift to cooler, darker versions of themselves held a particular nostalgia. I often would grieve the end of summer, and recall all of the memories made, but this year I had very little to feel fond of, which in itself saddened me. Although the excitement that I had created filled me as we wandered down the street laughing and chatting. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I am powerful.

The rarity of me going out at night mixed with the exhilaration I felt and the alcohol seemed to have created a chemical reaction. I hardly felt like the same person as I did when I woke up that morning. I looked around soaking up my surroundings, and containing my frazzled relief that was surfacing. I did it. I quit my master’s program, I quit my infuriating and underpaying scam of a job, and I told my parents all in one fell swoop. Well, over the course of several hours. I’m literally starting over. I might go traveling. I might even move away. Whatever it may be, I am doing it with intention and I’m finding something better. I am worthy of better. I smiled to myself and floated back to the present moment. A guy with long messy blonde hair played a vaguely familiar rock song up on the platform stage, and Eva and Meg ran off to the bathroom. Jolie was staring off into space enjoying the music, then I saw someone who made me freeze. We locked eyes and I quickly looked away, embarrassed for a reason unknown to me, he was the most attractive man I had seen in a very long time. “Hey Jolie,” I quickly got her attention, “Umm, he’s good hey?” I nodded towards the singer, feeling myself foolishly panicking. “Yeah he’s really good,” she smiled and nodded. I started blabbing on, wondering if we were still meeting up with our other college friends. I eventually looked back up and he was gone. I exhaled both relieved and dissatisfied.

The girls got back to our table and Eva and I decided to go order more drinks. The volume was picking up and it had suddenly gotten crowded. We nudged our way up to the bar and she grabbed a menu. I got a little closer and waited for the bartender’s attention who was serving the guy just in front of me... who then turned around two beers in hand. It was the same guy from before, I sort of smiled but looked away quickly as if to pretend that I had not noticed him. What was I thinking!? Eva ordered and I stood there awkwardly. I did one of those casual looks around the bar, and saw that he was talking to another guy, it appeared they were deciding where to go. When we got back to our table Meg and Jolie were deep in analysis of the guy Meg was dating who was acting more than shady, but she was defending his actions stubbornly. They paused as we sat down, Meg was scanning the bar as if to look for answers in the swarm of strangers. “Hey. There’s a really cute guy over there.” She said and nodded to the table just on the other side of us. I turned my head, and of course it was him. The other girls practically squealed in agreement. “I know.” I said quietly. They began speculating what his story was, “Too bad I’m not single” Meg joked. “Well I’m officially NOT dating” said Jolie firmly. “Well you two are on the market” Meg said nodding at me and Eva. I just laughed “Mhm” and finally said “he’s really cute.” From there I kept losing track of the conversation as I attempted to look effortless and fun, while engaged with my friends and constantly eyed the mystery man. The conversation went back to Sam, Meg’s questionable companion, just as I looked over again and caught him looking at me. His eyes were wide and honest, he looked shy and sort of smirked. He had wavy brown hair and a fitting beard and almost looked like he was just posing as an academic, with his subtly wrinkled plaid shirt and glasses. He looked away slowly and continued talking with his friend, they had joined conversation with a few others at their neighbouring table. Our conversation went on and I continued to laugh at Meg’s antics unsure if I was being watched.

The next moments filled me with internal anxiety, but I must have appeared composed. He was walking towards us. “Hey, how’s it going?” He paused “Do you mind if I join you?” I must have gone into shock, he had an accent and his voice made him triple in attractiveness “Good!” Meg said, “how are you?” He introduced himself but I couldn’t hear him over the band that had taken over. He was shaking the girls hands. He reached out towards me “Lauren” I said and shook his hand, but had to repeat myself until he could hear and I learned that his name was Patrick. I was a little confused who he was interested in, Meg was chatting away as her extroverted self and asked him where he was from (Wellington, New Zealand). Apparently he had leaned in extra close to hear my name and had directed his interest to me because within a matter of minutes Meg had signalled to the girls, Jolie exclaimed that she wanted to go dance and the three of them ran off to the dance floor that had transpired.

“We’re Joey and The Barn Owl, and this is our original song “Away from You,” The lead singer of the current band announced and began to strum the first cords. Patrick took a seat next to me holding his beer and trying to look comfortable. I glanced up at him and he caught my eye and stared straight back. It really was a blur, my girl gang over in the corner and Patrick front and centre. This was not an average moment for me. I hadn’t met anyone I was remotely interested in, in two years since my last breakup. I had settled into a state of lonely independence, and didn’t seem to even make eye contact with men these days. I felt so out of practice it was as if I’d been single forever. We talked back and forth about what we do, our taste in music and books, and how we don’t normally Go Out. It was all a blur but we talked for ages. An hour or so must had passed, the girls had popped back over for their drinks but left us alone. I learned that he was in America on a work visa and that he was on a break from his job in agriculture. He talked about his experience travelling through Canada and I told him about my sudden change in direction and how today had been a big day for me.

Eventually Eva came back over, flushed and tired looking, “I think we’re going to get going...” she said. I nodded and thought about it. “Okay I should go,” I said hesitating and looking at Patrick. “You should give her your number.” Jolie said blatantly to Patrick. We both got awkward unsure of how to navigate this situation, but he handed me his phone and I entered my number. I didn’t want to leave him at all. “I have to get my keys from your apartment Lauren, and Eva has to be up early for work...” Jolie explained, and Eva encouraged me to stay longer if I wanted to. It was getting late, and I was no night owl. Jolie really needed to get back into my apartment... “Okay,” I said, “I’ll be right there” and let the girls head towards the exit before I said goodbye to Patrick. “It was really nice to meet you,” he said. We sort of half hugged and I felt that inner gumption rising up, I couldn’t let him go like this. I met the most perfect guy and then “bye?” Who knows if I’ll ever see him again, and we hadn’t danced or made any plans to see each other. I took a breath and put my hand on his thigh and leaned in for a kiss. It was sudden and bold, and my first time making a first move like that. Then I pulled away, “that was nice,” he said smiling and kissed me one more time, “Okay, have a good night,” I said and got up and left.