Am I worthy

My grade twelve literature teacher’s words washed over me like a wet mop on vomit. “You were supposed to write a personal essay about yourself, an open honest review, why didn’t you do this?”

I remained silent.

He continued to talk while reaching for a pen. ‘You’ll have time in summer school to complete this task.’ Then he drew a large F across the page of my half ass essay attempt in red ink.

On the last day of summer school, I walked out, never returning to receive my final grade, to this day I am unsure if I passed or not.

Years later I met him, and we talked. I found the courage to ask why he failed me. He replied. ‘Because you showed promise.’

Now many years later I am confronted with a similar task, 'The self-appreciation challenge.’

I decided to sleep on it, and like a fool I thought I would slumber blissfully undisturbed. Until my bed shook. With bleary eyes I focus on individuals bouncing like children upon my mattress. Gleefully calling out. ‘Have you finished, did you start, let us know before we…’

“Hey.” I cry “Get off my bed, and outta my head.”

They sing. “Five, six, seven, eight, tell us what you appreciate.’

With froggy throat I croak. “Rick, Racheal, Lana is that you? Tiffany and Lamar not you too.”

I jolt up, trembling in a sleepy sweat. I ask myself is this a mistake?

Perhaps, but at least I have my Number one.

Learning from mistakes: I’m ok with failing in fact I have become good at it. Check every one of my submissions into the Vocal challenges, nary a winner amongst them. So, I appreciate learning from failure.

I can find fault in myself but finding ten things to be proud of feels nigh impossible. Does that make me a pessimist, something I try not to be. Then it struck me, number two.

Positive attitude: An Optimist. I try to be positive and see the good in people and hopefully myself. Which leads to number three.

Seeing the good in people: This is not the same as being positive, it is a way of opening our eyes and your heart. It's worth seeing the smile they hide from the world. Which slides into number four.

Making people smile: My chest feels what the grinch must have experienced when an act of kindness expanded his heart three times that day. That feeling of seeing joy on peoples faces is like the sun rising in the morning.

Wow, only at four...ok onto five. I talked about my heart what about my ear.

An ear for music: Not playing any instrument, God I suck at that, even after years of piano lessons, and three years in our towns marching band. I can play ‘Glow worm’ if that counts. But I love music, all forms and styles and I have a good ear. In many dreams I imagine being a musician.

Imagination: As Einstein once said, ‘Imagination is more important than knowledge.’ If he says it’s so who am I to argue. I love the places my mind will wander, the worlds and characters I create, it's like attending a different party everytime.

Partying: Damn striaght I appreciate this. It's where my wife and I began our courtship...if you know what I mean. Sure, I’ve slowed down but drop me in a group of people from bikers to politicians I will find a way to fit in. I enjoy life. Which is weird because I am relatively a shy person. Perhaps it's because I see the bizarre humour in it.

Sense if humor: Warped and delightfully fulfilling. But never with the intent of hurting others. You can't be angry if you're laughing.

Okay, I realize how close this is to the deadline, I put it off for to long. Sooo...

Procrastinator: Yes this is a great attribute, keeps my blood pressure down and gives me a chuckle when I walk by an unfinished project. My wife has now learned that it's better to wait than to keep asking. In a world of deadlines and ticking clocks, I feel this is a form of a self preservation. I will eventually get around to doing it. But not today.

Okay this must be ten now. Wait...one more.

(Four days later)

I appreciate being a father: I debated on saying this, shouldn't we all be the best parent we can? When I found out I was to be a father, that is all I wished to be. I filed away my other goals for another day. My father, although a kind and loving man was of a different generation. I wanted to be part of my children's life, and they graciously let me be a part of theirs.

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I am unsure if this is what Rick had in mind. Then realized he asked for what we appreciate about ourselves, not our deepest thoughts and feelings.

And for that I Thank you,

Jason