All of the Men Who Have Wronged Me

I guess you could say I'm a pretty average college student. I'm 21 years old, I'm a music major and I love being in college. One thing that a lot of people find unusual however, is the fact that I have never had an official "boyfriend". As a result, I've had quite a few very strange run-ins so far in my life and they're really quite funny, so I figured I'd share them all with you.

I had the idea to do this after my friends and I decided to make PowerPoint presentations detailing our failed past relationships complete with pictures. While my friends presentations were notably sad, and some even said they cried making them, I genuinely could not stop laughing.

I'll keep the first one short and sweet: the first crush I had was this boy I met in preschool. He had a wiffle haircut, so he looked a lot like Caillou. I literally could not tell you anything about him other than the fact that we took swim lessons together, but his mom was the coolest person I had ever met at the time. She was the first person I knew who had a phone that could take pictures, and the first person with an automatic door minivan.

Apparently he goes to college in the same town as me. I have never seen him, but friends of mine continued school with him and said he's now extremely attractive. I guess I had okay taste as a three year old.

Next up we have my first grade crush that I had a crush on through fifth grade graduation. I'm pretty convinced this kid was a Menonite or something like that because he literally had about eleven siblings and was an uncle by the time he was seven. We consistently teased eachother through ALL of elementary school, but he was definitely more creative than I was. In first grade I'd bribe him into sitting next to me on the swings so we could get "married" when our swings swung at the same pace by doing his math work for him because he was horrible at math.

My mom actually found my diary and read it in first grade and said I wasn't allowed to like boys. So I stopped journaling, and I also avoided boys when I could because apparently it was wrong. This is what happens when you get raised by a woman who was almost a nun and you write that schoolyard rhyme about sitting in a tree and "K-I-S-S-I-N-G".

In fourth grade we both took recorder as our musical instrument and neither of us took it seriously. Sometimes he'd pretend to be nice and pull out my chair for me then pull it right out from under me so I'd crash to the floor.

By the time we got to fifth grade we were actually pretty close friends. Instead of playing soccer with all of the boys he was friends with, a lot of the time he'd actually just sit on the sidelines and talk with me and ask to french braid my hair. On the last day of school I remember him braiding my hair and asking for a hug because he knew he'd never see me again. I responded, "gross", but obliged.

I sent him a letter around seventh grade saying I had a huge crush on him, which to this day I somehow hope he did not have the chance to open.

I didn't see him until I was a junior in high school when I was working at the local family owned grocery store. I recognized him the minute he walked in and my face turned BRIGHT red. He's still very cute and INCREDIBLY kind which is nice to know.

That's pretty much it for guys only in elementary school, after that there's a little bit of overlap. These guys I think I just had cute little crushes on that I thought would be fun to share. The drama comes later!