All of It

“Excuse me, are you Ariel?”

A handsome man disturbed my daydreams - more like delusions really. I had been having a heart to heart with my sister on a park bench. The park surrounding us was like a fairytale with rich colours, rainbows, deep blue ponds and my incredible sister, Lenna. It seemed like heaven, way too good to be true. And it was. We had just buried my sister the week before.

“Yes, that’s me,” I answer as I snap back into reality. I’m immediately caught by the man’s eyes - one blue and one brown. They’re captivating, and I have to pull my attention away.

“I’m the one who called you - your sister’s friend. I’m Luke.” He has a questioning way of speaking.

“Oh, yeah.” I reply. “Your call really surprised me. I hadn’t heard her talk about you.”

“I was - am, I guess - a cancer friend,” he spoke in his lilting tone. “She asked me to give you something before she passed.” He gave me a weirdly reassuring smile as he spoke, and I found myself smiling in return.

For the first time since she had passed, I smiled. And that reminded me of her. Her smiles, her making me smile. And I couldn’t handle it. I suddenly looked away, using my long hair to cover my face, needing a moment to compose myself. He startled me by taking my hand in both of his.

“Your smile is beautiful. Keep smiling.” He softly spoke.

I don’t know why those words made me suddenly feel such polarising emotions in my body - both extremely comforted, and intensely angry. I pulled away from him, choosing the latter as rage bubbled up through my body.

“Don’t you dare tell me what to do! She’s gone!” All I know is that I need to get away from this charming man. I grab my bag and start to back away like a wounded animal.

“Wait! Ariel, wait!” He calls after me. “I’m sorry. I overstepped. Please, just take this. She wanted you to have it.” He holds out a little black notebook. Its grungy and old and I almost refuse it. But then it hits me - her scent. It’s like a warm summer breeze - citrusy and happy and radiant. I grab the book and run away. Definitely not my finest moment. Especially since I soon realise my anger was very misplaced.

I get home, run into the comfort of Lenna’s room, and tear open the book. My mind is spinning full of possibilities - her encouraging me to move on, some life lessons she wanted to pass on, some nosy ‘recommendations’ (more like instructions) for my future. None of these comes close to what I find.

“A to-do list?!” I loudly exclaim in shock, shaking my head. “What were you thinking Lenna? What were you thinking?” I repeat the sentence, hoping clarity might suddenly appear. But her motives are still unfathomable to me. I laugh as I find I’m still shaking my head. I sigh and start reading.

The notebook is just like her. Written in bright colours with drawings splashed throughout the pages. I snatch the book closed and clutch it to my chest. The splat, splat on its cover is the only thing that alerts me to the tears cascading down my cheeks. Yet again. I can’t help the torrent of emotions that keep rising up, but that doesn’t mean they don’t thoroughly annoy me. I angrily swat at the tears on my cheeks like I can stop them. I can’t. I force myself to open the covers again and start reading.

Dearest Ariel,

First of all, I love you more than life itself. Always have, always will. I know that you’re having a hard time right now. A time full of despair and darkness. I know that I have helped you see the light in the past, but now its up to you to be the light. Not all the time, because that’s fucking crazy! But, when you need the light, you need to be able to find it.

P.S.You may ask about the delivery system … what can I say? He’s cuuute!!!!!! And I thought you might appreciate a little eye candy!

I find myself laughing as I turn the page. Even in death, she is still the most larger-than-life person I’ve ever known - the irony is not lost on me. I continue on…

Okay, buckle up sister! This is how it’s going to go. There are three little challenges in the following pages. And then … drumroll please … we have the grand finale. The beast of all beasts: Challenge No. 4! But first and foremost, there is one rule that you MUST follow. DO EACH CHALLENGE IN ORDER. Absolutely NO flipping forward.

P.P.S. Flip to the back of this book (without looking at the rest) and open cheque number 1. This one’s all for you and to help you with some of these challenges.

Oh my lord! In the last week, I had almost forgotten how assertive she was. I can hear her voice in my ear as I read, and it’s wonderful and horrifying all at once. I have to say though, I’m starting to get excited to see what she has planned for me. So, I dive right in, and eagerly flip to the first challenge.

Challenge Number 1: MAKEOVER!!!

So, its time for a HAIR MAKEOVER (I know you can hear me saying that)!! But, there are a few rules to follow…

Cut it shorter

Get a perm!!

“WTF! No way!” I exclaim as I read that last one. Is she trying to actually kill me? Is this revenge for something I did once upon a time? I shrug. I guess I’ll have to keep reading to discover the reasoning behind this psycho plan.

Now, I know you probably read that last one and are getting ready to chuck this book out.

“DAMN RIGHT!” I yell at her.

But don’t. First, let me clarify - I don’t mean like an ugly perm. I mean go and get those beautiful loose curls that you’ve always wanted.

“HELL YEAH!” I yell again, just not at her this time. And then I flip to the back of the little black book and open the first cheque.

“Bloody hell,” I exclaim. She left me 20 grand. What is going on? I decide to roll with it.

***

A couple of days later, I leave the salon feeling like a million bucks. My blonde hair is gracefully curled down my back, and I look like an angel. I stop and admire myself a few times in the windows on the way home. I love it.

I eagerly turn to read the next challenge. And promptly gasp. She did it again. But, I am actually kind of super excited this time.

Challenge Number 2: HAVE SOME FUN!

Get your septum pierced and the tattoo you always dreamed of … you know you want to!!

And boy oh boy did I want to. I hadn’t realised how many of my dreams I’d put aside because I was too afraid to live. I think I was always waiting for a better time, a better place, a better life, to act on my desires. But not anymore. Time was precious, and I was resolved.

***

The next day comes, and I get my septum pierced (a deliciously cute, thin gold ring) and a fresh tattoo. Actually, make that two fresh tattoos. I got in the studio and just couldn’t leave without a tribute to my sister. So, as well as a little inscription on my ribs saying ‘all of it’, I got ‘lenna’ on the side of my wrist. It just felt right. A physical reminder that she’d always be with me.

Challenge Number 3: Go shopping for an uber fancy dress

Once again, I’m confused. A fancy dress? For what? I mean, I looove fashion. So, I don’t really need an excuse to go shopping. But, why? I hear Lenna’s voice inside my head telling me to just suck it up and go with the flow. I guess that’s what I’ll do.

I spent the whole day dress shopping. Going from one store to another until I was ridiculously exhausted and had found the perfect dress. It was lacy, black, tight and had a super low back. It was my dress.

Challenge Number 4: Go somewhere special

Are you ready to have some serious fun?? Go back to the little pouch in the back of this notebook and pull out the second cheque and the address card. Follow the instructions on the card, and bid on a familiar face. You’ll figure it out when you get there, promise!

P.S. You might be wondering how I got all the money for this. Don’t worry, I’ve been saving for ages. Doing random medical trials that paid, and selling some of my writing. And now it’s your money. So, have fun!

That did help some of my concerns. Fears eased, I eagerly flip to the back and pull out the address card and cheque. Well, she’s given me another 20 grand. Okay. Weird.

The card says:

149 Beck Rd, Nottingham

23rd of January

2:30 pm sharp

Formal attire

“Interesting,” I mutter to myself. The cogs in my head start whirring, trying to make sense of this next ‘challenge’.

Two days later I head to the hotel (I did a little googling to see what I’d find at 149 Beck Rd) dressed in my gorgeous dress. Heels on, hair done, I look stunning. And then I spot the huge sign stretched in front of the building:

GO ON A DATE TO SAVE A LIFE

Nottingham General Cancer Fundraiser

“Okay, wow,” I murmur to myself. “This is starting to make sense.” I head inside, and my mouth instantly drops open. One of the men being auctioned off on the stage is Luke.

“Cheeky, cheeky,” I say out loud, my eyes narrowing. So this was your scheme. Matchmaking from beyond the grave, and donating to your cancer ward. You have really not lost your touch.

I walk in, grab a number, and take a seat. When it comes to Luke’s turn, I leap out of my seat and shout, “20 grand for him!”

I get quite a few strange looks, although one person just looks amused - Luke. I smile and wave at him and find myself hurrying to the desk to pay, suddenly quite eager for our date. I see Luke coming towards me.

“What was that?” He cheekily questioned. “20 grand? I didn’t think you liked me quite that much!” His tone had turned seriously flirty by this stage. “And I have to say, I love the new look.”

“Well, you obviously didn’t pre-read the little notebook you gave me. Lenna kind of left me some instructions to follow. And some money to bid on you.”

“Are you serious?” He looks kind of shocked. “Wow. I mean, not that I mind at all. But, wow.”

“Yeah, I know,” I reply, laughing as I say, “Even from beyond the grave she has some serious power.”

“Well, I am honoured to go on this date with you.” He says in a posh voice, bowing and kissing my hand, making me laugh even more. He suddenly stops playing and looks at me pensively. “Whatever was in that little black book must have been some magical stuff. You look better.”

“It was magical,” I whisper, “because it was her.” Taking his hand, I do feel a strange sense of completion. Maybe I have a chance of being happy without her.