Alive, avoiding Schizophrenia.

My name is Zen, the first thing I remember it's been floating in a warm cloud comfortable just being me, I remember nobody. A loud sound and bright light appear, suddenly I am in this body, in front of a TV playing Super Nintendo I knew what it was and how to play without doing it before, only with memories I suddenly had, knowing where was, having memories of how to move I look to my right and suddenly I see my mother and I asked for milk like it was an instinct, first times I ha spoken and heard words, I was surprised I feel like a stranger in this child's body I continue playing things I saw for the first time but had memories of it then emotions started I couldn't help it but it was happening this continued over the years, I thought in ways but could no act as I wanted, had to act as my body wanted.

Years went by, everyone I interacted with somewhat knew I was different, like a fraud trying to fit in, most of the time I was just annoying too playful experiencing this world seeing others attract amazed with emotion had difficulty learning things that I did not find interest so school was challenging I was able to have friends even though I fell in love most likely infatuation due to finding their image in my mind more attractive and the real person, this I have found out after years of thought. I feel like I'm a kind soul yet fear inner darkness, I have felt deceit, hate, and abuse by those around me and felt scared then my indoctrination to religion started one side Roman Catholic the other deep in occultism, Santeria, Orisha among other teachings, what some will just call witchcraft, nothing better can be taught at church than shame, penitence, and fear for your soul, more so when you're sitting at the pews and in my mind I'm attacking all those before me wanting to run, makes you think that you are evil and had stolen this body from this child, on the other hand with the teachings of the occult I found a lot of science in it things will seem more logical and my thirst for knowledge the wisdom was made there.

By Middle School, I knew I was different, by high school I knew I could be diagnosed with schizophrenia, I knew what not to say to professionals so it was never diagnosed. I know already I cannot work normal romantic relationships still craved companionship with someone who can think differently like me. I knew most likely I will end up as a nomad, a monk somewhere in the far East. Even my family was at peace that I never have children. For whoever would be with me? Even though I love learning high school and college methods of teaching and attendance was not compatible with like others I would like to think the system failed me then again I have failed at so much that I would just think I making excuses.

After failing college my nomadic lifestyle start running from beaches, jungles, and cities once the urge to move was there, I ended up in this shining city upon a hill, yet by being a native with slave blood running through my veins it goes without saying. Add this lights the idea of Justice yet I knew Injustice, feeling that I'm separate of humanity, I liked the idea of Injustice being corrected, disliked colonization and after all the things I've read experience and saw with my eyes and these days in America, I could be considered so far left in the scale that would not be on it.

I think of science as a tool of magic in this world, old magic like spoken word, communication; this communication and makes individual cells in our body interact with each other to makes us who we are at least who we are for them, is our consciousness just a tool for their survival? This is a constant stream of thoughts that never stops, only medication has helped slow down since that time when I ask for milk, difficult is to concentrate on any other things.

A person said they fell in love, I turned them away fearing and warning them that I wasn't good for a relationship. She persistent and I feel weak to loneliness, after a few years we decided to have children, incredibly, fearing then whatever I have could be passed down. I only asked to take my children away from me, even though I had no attachments until that point I feared that having children would have made a more impactful connection, this was true.

By far I was not a good husband and did not understand the concept of marriage except for legal purposes, wondered even if I had feelings at all, something that my partner did not want to hear and I don't blame her. Even though I always said if they wanted to divorce we can do it friendly. She decided to leave home without me saying goodbye to the children and giving me a week to leave the home, now homeless and without transportation, I was a stay at home dad that left work to raise the children because my partner made more money than I did, missed important dates, and was not able to hug them in a long time while the legal process continued. From people I saw them dying, family members that are no longer with us, the pain of being beaten up or a great illness, never have I felt a greater pain, I knew it was possible from before we had the babies. Daily I asked to hug them and was denied. I still continue to try to be friendly to her and look for options, for things to be better. Was this my punishment for not fitting in?

Family and friends were there for me, I worried about the children, I lived through a lot, this was not going to break me; yet I'm still trying to find the way. Have much to share, but scared of being open. Thank you.