A Woman's Failed Search for Love

My love life is a fucking disaster. Since my first foray into the dating scene, I have consistently fallen for exactly the wrong kind of men. This past year though, my dad died, I lost a baby, and the man I thought I might marry ended things on a whim. So here I sit, writing every failure down in the hopes that fate might finally smile down on me. I’d honestly accept pity at this point. I am not innocent of wrongdoing by any means so I'll acknowledge now that I share every story from my arguably twisted, and undoubtedly biased perspective. Regardless, I figure I'd better start from the beginning.

I was a late bloomer so this first story is set in late 2017, when an awkward and shy Tiffany set out on her first journey to find the ever elusive love that she had read about all growing up, as a freshman in college. If it wasn’t clear, I’m Tiffany.

William was a beautiful blue-eyed third year with whom I slipped very quickly into my first love, despite the red flags that scream to be seen years later. Dressed in what I thought was a flirty outfit and some truly uncomfortable (but very flattering) heels, we met for the first time over coffee and a stroll around campus. The entire time, I was so overwhelmed and nervous that I could only bring myself to sneak brief glances at him when he laughed or when the silence warranted an unspoken exchange that, to me meant, “go on,” “no, you talk.” William soon claimed not only my first date but also my first kiss, my first sleepover, and my first of most things. Our relationship was what I imagine dating in high school to be like. Shy glances that quickly faded to passionate touch that eventually turned to puppy love and unhealthy codependency. But with time I noticed what the rose-colored glasses had hidden from me; the distinct reek of alcohol every time he spoke, the handles of vodka strategically hidden out of sight but within reach, and the shock his family were all too happy to share when they noticed that he didn’t drink when I was around. I had seen alcoholism as a child but it had looked so different that it took me longer than it should have to recognize the signs. I was in love, blindly so.

I have never been able to explain what drove me to wait outside the jail for hours or to wait for him to return to school after his suspensions from school; I always made up excuses or explanations to tell everyone for him so that he wouldn’t need to. I sat in my car and cried every night after his calls from rehab. “I’m doing this for us, I’m doing this because I love you, I’m doing this for you.” With every phone call it became clearer that I couldn’t leave him and so I sunk deeper and deeper into this feeling of hopelessness. I was afraid of what he’d do if I left. I was afraid of how much worse things could get if I wasn’t there to hold his hand through it all. I felt like I was betraying him for even considering a future without him. He loved me so much and here I was feeling burdened by that love.

Rehab didn’t work, not the first time and not the second. He’d come back angry at the world for misunderstanding him, angry at me for acknowledging his addiction, angry at his whole world. Eventually, I think he realized that our love had changed. It was no longer passionate or fulfilling, it had become a love one might see between a child and his caretaker. He left me when he started drinking for the third time; he barricaded his door, blocked me, and demanded that his family not speak to me again. Never having been in love before, I was ill-prepared for heartbreak and handled it poorly.

I’m in my feels right now so I feel as though this would be a good place to stop. William was my first love and he taught me a lot about what I need and want out of a relationship. If you are interested in learning more about my disastrous love life, please let me know! I may be bad at love but it’s not from a lack of trying, I’ve got years of trauma to share. If this is not your thing, I will respect your wishes and keep my hopeless love life to myself.

Signing off,

Hopeless_Lover