A Ship of Fools

When the Navy men rowed ashore, in response to a signal fire on the beach of the tropical island, they found a man dressed in goatskins who had clearly been there for some time. They soon discovered that he had a tale to tell, and this was it:

“I’ve been here for well nigh a twelvemonth. I’ve kept myself alive through my own skill and ingenuity, not to mention a goodly measure of luck, but at least I’ve been alive for twelve months longer than the bastards who left me here.

I was on the ‘Saucy Sarah’ - a privateer charged with harrying French and Spanish ships on behalf of His Majesty, but you know what these captains are like – most of what they capture goes nowhere near the King’s Treasury!

Anyhow, I have to say I did not make myself particularly popular aboard ship. If I was worried about something, I said so, and I didn’t care who heard me, neither.

Let’s just say that I had plenty to worry about. Saucy Sarah was not a sound ship. In fact, some of her timbers were so rotten it was a wonder she had sailed as far as she had. I kept telling the captain that he had to put into port for repairs, but he would hear none of it. He reckoned that he could keep sailing on for ever and nothing bad would ever happen. And all the crew except me felt the same way – they just wanted to get filthy rich as fast as they could and hang the consequences.

Things came to a head when we captured two French ships that were packed full of gold coins and other treasure. There was masses of it – nobody could believe their luck. We carried box after box of the stuff on board our ship and stowed it in the hold.

The problem was – as I saw it – that all that extra weight was putting far more strain on the timbers than they could possibly manage to cope with. I told the captain straight – just one storm at sea and Saucy Sarah will be on the bottom and all of us with her.

He just laughed in my face, but then got really angry when I said that we should leave at least half the treasure aboard the French ships. That was the final straw as far as he was concerned. He promptly ordered the men to finish loading the treasure before sinking the captured ships.

Then he looked slyly in my direction and said, “You know, I think you might be right about one thing”.

“You do?” I said, wondering what was coming next.

“Yes”, he said, “This ship is a bit overburdened, and could well do without one particular unwanted deadweight”.

So that was when two of his heavier henchmen grabbed hold of me, tied me up, and dumped in the hold alongside the treasure.

“What a shame you’ll never get your share of any of that”, one of them said. “I’ll be living it up in some rich palace while you’ll be – who knows where?”

It turned out that my kingdom would be this island. I spent three days in the ship’s brig before we hove in sight of the island where we are now. They then threw me into the longboat and rowed me ashore with just enough supplies to last me a week, plus a few of my belongings such as a Bible and a small telescope.

After that, I was on my own. They probably thought I would starve to death or get eaten by wild animals, but I’m made of sterner stuff than that.

I expected to see Saucy Sarah sail away over the horizon and out of my life for ever, but that is not quite what happened. The captain had ridden in the longboat to the island, together with me and the oarsmen. I thought this was so that he could spit in my face as his parting gesture, but instead he turned to me and said:

“We’re going to have a little celebration tonight. I’m sorry you’re not invited, but nobody would want a damp squib like you to spoil the fun, now would they?

“It just so happens that we found a couple of sides of pork on board one of the Frenchies, which I reckon would make quite a feast for us if we roast them on deck. There’ll be plenty to go round, especially with one less mouth to feed.

“You see that other island over there, near the horizon? It should be just within sight of where you’ll be spending the rest of your life. I reckon that we could anchor off that island, and while we’re enjoying ourselves with the pig roast we’ll fire off a few cannon shots just to let you know we’re thinking about you!”

That was the sort of man he was. Sticking the knife in was not enough for him – he had to give it a few extra twists for good measure.

So, once I had been deposited here and the longboat had returned to Saucy Sarah, off they sailed. The wind was light, so it took them some time to reach the other island which, as the captain had reckoned, was just about on my horizon. On a calm evening there was no doubt that any celebratory cannon fire would be well within my earshot. What a bastard!

I had no real wish to watch them through my telescope, but I somehow felt drawn to do so. I had climbed up on to a rocky crag, which gave me a better view, so I saw exactly what happened next.

It must have been about an hour after they had dropped anchor and the short tropical twilight was almost at an end, when there was a vivid orange flash, followed soon after by the sound of a huge explosion. After that, there was nothing to be seen or heard. There could be no doubt about it – Saucy Sarah had simply exploded, taking everyone on board to the bottom of the sea.

Next morning, I looked towards the island again, but – if there had been any wreckage on the surface, my telescope was simply not powerful enough to spot it at that distance.

It did not take long to work out what must have happened. In his insane desire to rub my nose in it and send a fusillade of cannon shots into the sea for the sole purpose of letting me hear the noise, the captain would have ordered the gunners to place a pile of gunpowder alongside each of the cannon ready for loading. If you then light fires on a small deck to roast sides of pork, there is every chance that you will soon find out that fire and gunpowder can make an explosive mix. That is especially so if the rotten timbers give way and allow the fire to reach the main gunpowder store just below the deck.

So there you have it, gentlemen of His Majesty’s Navy. Just in case you were thinking of arresting me as a former member of a pirate crew, you might like to bear in mind that just next to that island over there, lying in shallow water, is a vast hoard of French gold and jewels, which I am sure your divers would be able to recover without too much trouble. Surely that should be enough to buy my freedom when we get back to England?”