A quiet practice that turns everyday moments into lasting appreciation

This exercise won’t be easy for many of you. It’s not difficult at the comprehension level. But it might be emotionally grating. However, if you do it once a week for 15 seconds, it will dramatically differently with them at every level.

Here’s the drill

Today, when your partner comes home, or another loved one, go through your usual routine. Perhaps check in and see how their day went, etc.

I want you to wait until a little later in the evening. Wait until they are in the kitchen, or doing some sort of routine task and have their eyes pointed in another direction. Then, look at them. Stare at them for 15 seconds but make sure they don’t notice.

Then, think to yourself, “This person will one day get very sick. And I will lose them. They may die before I do. And I will someday miss them very, very much."

It may not happen fast. It may happen in an instant and it will hopefully happen many years from now. Either way, remember this moment as you look at them in their younger form.

Remind yourself again that this person may well leave you someday. Imagine yourself sitting by their hospital bed comforting them, knowing time is running out.

As you do this thought exercise, your partner may catch you staring at them. If they ask you what you are doing, just smile and say, “Nothing.”

When I do this exercise, it changes the entire energy in the room. I grow solemn and deep in thought. I appreciate my partner in an entirely different way. I feel a pulsing love from the deepest part within me.

Time slows down. I am bluntly reminded of what is important and what isn’t.

I’ll tell you a quick and relevant story

I learned of this exercise because of a formative experience years ago.

As a younger man in my early 20s, I loved playing Xbox in my free time. I was immature, goofy, and focused solely on having a good time.

Often, my girlfriend would come sit on the couch and watch me play. She’d cheer me on and grimace when I died or get excited when I beat a tough level. I knew that video games, playing or watching, was the last thing on earth she’d want to be doing. She enjoyed it because she wanted to be near me and because, I knew, she loved me.

We were a young couple who went through the usual ups and downs and silly squabbles that early-20s couples do.

Eventually, we were in a rough patch. We weren’t equipped to communicate in the right way. Issues went unresolved. There’d been a lot of frustrations building up and, one night, they boiled over.

I don’t even remember what caused it. I just know that the fight was ugly. We raised our voices and said a bunch of things we later regretted. The night ended with us not talking and sleeping in separate rooms.

The next day, I knew we’d need to resolve the fight and wasn’t looking forward to discussing it.

My phone rang and it was her. She said she was leaving the doctor's office after a routine checkup. She said, “My doctor told me they had found a lump on one of my ovaries. They need to do more testing. That’s all I know for now.”

We talked for a few minutes and I asked a bunch of questions. She reassured me, “Everything is going to be fine. Don’t worry.” I could tell she was worried about how I’d take things. I played it cool. However, after the call, it felt like I’d been crushed under two tons of bricks.

In the face of mortal danger, I realized how much of a fool I had been and that we were arguing about stupid, trivial matters in the grand scheme of life.

Fortunately, she made it through this OK after getting a slew of treatments. And while I’d love to say we stayed together, things ultimately didn’t work out between us. But the experience completely changed how I live my life.

If the person you love died today, without warning, would there be things you’d regret? Would you still have the same squabbles over dishes in the sink?

We are bound to have disagreements with people we love. I'd recommend not letting those issues come at the expense of the bigger picture. When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather was absolutely haunted for having been so cheap during their long marriage. He’d grown up in the Great Depression and had trouble letting go of money.

He wished he’d done more for her and let her run the air conditioning more often. In reality, he was a good husband as a whole. Yet he, like so many of you, was still so hard on himself.

The takeaway

There’s an old dating adage, “Never go to bed angry.” I would add, “Because one of you might not wake up.”

Look at your partner for 15 seconds and quietly remember that, no matter how young, beautiful, and healthy they look now, that will all eventually change.

When I do this, it calms and humbles me. I feel a wave of appreciation and love for my partner. I see her as a vulnerable person I could miss terribly one day. And because of that, I become my kindest, most grateful self.

I remind myself to, “Love her today as though I may lose her tomorrow.”

If more people did this, I reckon we’d have a lot less heartache in our lives.