A New Year's Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

Happy New Year!! 🎉🎉🎉

I want to scream and shout and let it all out: “2022 is gonna be my best year EVER!”. And then lull myself into a self-care stupor for the ages so that I can finally be the person I believe I’m meant to be.

As resolutions go it sounds a bit lofty, doesn’t it? Maybe even a bit abstract and too woo-woo.

But I can assure it’s none of that.

It’s about putting my needs first, once and for all, because I’m nothing to nobody if I don’t take care of myself.

My mental health is at the top of the master list this year. I need to be my own guru. Train my conscious and subconscious mind to think and visualize a better me. If I’m going to put any stock or serious effort into affirming and manifesting a better life I darn well better believe I can!

It’s about righting some wrongs that have caused my physical, emotional and spiritual health to take some pretty savage beatings over the last several years. Episodes of depression, anxiety, and physical injury (and the requisite rehab) have been constant companions that I’d love to see slowly fall away from my orbit.

And it’s about understanding how easy it is to get swallowed by life’s stress and challenges. I know I have, many times. But then I get spit out and I have to get up and keep going.

We all have to learn from what happens in life, right? To honestly, thoughtfully consider if we are the creators of our experiences or merely the lowly beings that play out the scenes.

I’ve learned that I’ve lived a lot of years in a holding pattern, that I’ve been passive personified. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s part of who I am. Just like I’ve learned that I’ve lived most of my life without boundaries, again not a pride issue, just a fact of who I am (or was?).

I’ve also learned that I’m stronger than I thought. More patient than I ever dreamed. More forgiving than I thought possible. Sometimes funnier than expected. And a whole lot more resilient than I give myself credit for.

So what now? Massive, all-over, inside out, head-to-toe healing and self-forgiveness is in order, not to mention clear, non-negotiable priorities will have to take centre stage if I’m to successfully re-healthify myself.

I’m pledging to go gentle into all the good, sweet nights with a new attitude. The attitude that I’ll plant with everything I do all day: sinking into rich meditations, freezing in cold showers, smiling at strangers and stressful situations alike, thinking more tranquil thoughts, panting and sweating during exercise, humming as I eat and sighing softly as I eventually fall asleep.

A pretty good start, I reckon.

Of course I’ll need a hefty dose of clarity and compassion for myself, both of which don’t come easily to me these days. But I’m hopeful and have some faith that I can change my internal wiring to make these more natural inclinations.

My goal this year is to build enduring strength, confidence and resilience. I figure spending at least a third of my life sleeping (or at least resting in bed) ups my chances of success big time. A peaceful, restorative sleep, night after night, has to make a dent in calming my nervous system and taming the stress monsters, right?

After all is said and done my most radical resolution is that I’m choosing to believe in me. And I haven’t done that in a long, long time. That has to count for something. In fact, it’s everything.