A Long Awaited Love

When I was a kid I thought I needed a relationship. I was six years old thinking about what my husband was gonna be like. I was eight stuck in this head space that if I was single I was a loser and was gonna fail.

I always thought that if I didn't find that love everyone was always talking about then I'd die. That I had failed in some way.

I went into High School and I was so set on finding someone to love, someone to love me. I was set on having this movie like romance in High School.

I was so focused on boys and love I forgot about myself. I cared so much about loving someone else I lost myself.

I wanted attention from older boy so much. I wanted someone to tell me I was beautiful and that they loved me, that I completely forgot about who I was and how I loved myself.

I put so much effort and love into other people I had nothing left for myself.

I remember how sad I got. I had nothing. I was empty, I gave everything to everyone. I was sad.

Then all those people I gave everything to left. They took all my love and left and that hurt even more. now no one was there anymore. I had no one calling me beautiful, I had no one to love.

It wasn't until about two years later that I realized I didn't need love from someone else. I only needed it from myself.

I started trying to love myself. I finally realized I didn't need love from others.

The love for myself didn't last long, It slowly faded and I was hooked on finding my soulmate. Online doing quizzes trying to find anything that would tell me when I would fall in love.

Soon enough I found someone and I thought I had it. I thought I found it. The one thing I had searched for my whole life. Love.

I thought I had it but it wasn't real, it was just some guy who was gonna break my heart. But of course he did. I was blinded by this need for love. This urge to be loved and to love.

I let him in and I said too much and I got hurt.

About 6 months later I finally started to really love myself.

I started seeing that I could do this on my own, that I didn't need someone to tell me they loved me, to tell me I was beautiful I had myself.

I remember waking up and looking in the mirror and I saw how beautiful I was. It was life changing. I felt so beautiful. I felt stunning.

After all the people breaking my heart, after me thinking I was gonna die an unloved person, I found this love for myself and it was amazing.

I stopped looking for love from others. I deleted tinder and bumble. I stopped looking for others to love me.

I loved myself!

I love myself.

And if someone doesn't love me and appreciate me for me, I don't need you because I have myself.

Believe me, It wasn't easy. It took forever and still I have my issues within myself.

But everyday I try to love myself more.

Because for once I'm not waiting for someone to fall in love with me, I'm not looking for love like I did before.

I don't take a look as someone being in love with me, I take it as yeah I'm beautiful and I have all I need.

Thank you to the ones who broke my heart. Thank you for pushing me to have nothing so that I could learn what real love feels like.

One day I could find someone but for now I just want me and my dog.