A little love in exchange for a lot of pain

A little love in exchange for a lot of pain.

Some of us have suffered childhood traumas that have left us incapable of loving ourselves, and some of us think to ourselves, "I don't deserve love."

We've become accustomed to pleasing everyone, even at the expense of our own well-being. We strive for security and a little love.

There's internal and external resistance preventing me from writing this, but I accept what's inside me and say it won't affect what's outside, because I know I'm right.

I remember when she forced me to spend a night in the freezing kitchen in the dead of winter because I refused to make her coffee, and I didn't leave until she did. I remember when she bought me lingerie during a family gathering and said she'd spent a fortune on it. I remember when she told me I'd bring shame on them because I loved someone. I remember when she looked through my watch history and saw me watching videos about star seeds and spirituality, then bullied me in front of the whole family. I remember when I was a vegetarian, she wouldn't buy me any vegetarian food; instead, she'd prepare non-vegetarian meals for me. I remember her forcing me to read tarot cards to her, and when I refused once, she took them from me and hid them. I remember she never even noticed me.

Actually, this is part of my journey, and it takes a lot of courage to share it.

She's incredibly emotionally unstable. Sometimes she loves me, and sometimes she hurts me. This is one of the simplest experiences I've had that I can share. She tells me she loves me, then she's overly kind to me, then she makes me feel worthless, then she tells me I'm everything to her.

I'm not talking about my mother, but my older sister. My parents passed away, and I live with her. I'm 17 now, and I had my first awakening in August 2023. During that time, I felt betrayed by the person I loved, the one who showered me with love. He loved me one moment, then hurt me the next.

I realized this was a recurring pattern, and that what was happening to me wasn't normal; I was just getting used to it. Yes, my inner child feels safe with these people. I still live with my sister, but I'm trying to detach myself emotionally from her.

This has helped me a lot because I don't emotionally attach myself to anything she says. She always wants me to be perfect, to be blameless and never make mistakes. She wants to know my friends so she can decide who I hang out with. I also want to share something else: I'm grateful for her presence. She doesn't give me enough money, which makes me more careful with my finances. She also doesn't take responsibility for the house; I cook and clean, which has taught me responsibility. I take care of her daughter and help her with her studies, which has taught me patience and how to deal with children. I've literally learned so much from her. I'm not sharing all this to portray myself as a victim, but simply because I want to share my feelings. That's all there is to it. My request to all of you is to reconnect with your bodies and try to calm your nervous system, as it is the root cause of most illnesses. Relax, all of you, and acknowledge your feelings, because refusing them will never help. I love you.

Thank you all for your precious time and effort. Thank you so much. I've always longed to find someone who would listen to me, and here you are. Thank you, thank you. I am so grateful.