A Flicker of Candle Light

It had been a long day at work. Every day was a long day. I suppose that’s what happens when you work for a paycheck rather than for something you believe in. I tossed my bag on the desk, careful to avoid the half-full glass of water sitting too close to my laptop.

I pulled the steak out of the fridge where it had been marinating all day, started the oven and chopped up some potatoes. This meal was going to be special. I was far from being a chef, but I could handle steak and potatoes.

While everything cooked I searched for the corkscrew - I had picked up a bottle of Merlot just for tonight and I wanted to let it breathe.

I set the table and lit a candle. I plated the food. I poured the wine. I even put on the record player. I sat down and I waited.

Today was important. It was our anniversary… but it was also our first actual date. Ten years to the day we met. Some people claim to just Know when they meet The One. I think that’s complete nonsense. However, looking back we agreed that this would be the day that we took that next step because it was the day ten years ago that we began to make each other want to be better. It started as a rivalry, we couldn’t stand each other but saw such potential in the other that we knew we had to challenge one another. Respect developed, then friendship, and eventually love when we realized we understood each other better than anyone else ever could.

We set up this dinner, careful not to have anything else that would resemble a date before it, four weeks ago.

I took a sip of the merlot. It was smooth with a medium body and just a slight hint of vanilla over the plum undertones. It was going to go perfectly with dinner. I closed my eyes and sighed, letting work slip away so I could be fully here in this moment. Briefly I worried that I should’ve changed clothes from work, but I knew it didn’t really matter. I leaned back in the chair.

I could hear his footfalls before he spoke, bringing me out of my thoughts. “You’re amazing.” He kissed my forehead before taking the seat across from me. We talked about our days. We laughed at the antics of our respective coworkers. I talked about a new writing project I’d been recruited for. We ate, we drank. We existed in absolute comfort with each other.

It is a weird feeling being truly comfortable with another person. You don’t have to be on edge about saying the wrong thing. There are no expectations. You can just Be. I’m not sure I ever truly felt that way before. I never trusted anyone enough. Not my closest friends, not my parents or siblings. No one.

I hear the cat whining in the other room and realize in my focus on tonight’s dinner I forgot to feed her. I walk to the other room with laughter following me. Smokey immediately purrs and circles my ankles when I enter the bedroom. Apparently I am still her human even if I did neglect her for so very very long… as long as I come bearing food. As soon as the dish is filled she deserts me for it and I’m just a shadow to her, my purpose having been fulfilled.

I return to the dining nook to find my meal waiting for me. Alone. Untouched. The tears I’ve been fighting back begin to blaze trails down my cheeks as I realize our date was nothing but a dream. He was never here. He never will be. The cancer we had been fighting side by side for ten years finally took him two weeks ago. I beat it but it beat him. I raise my glass in silent toast to my fellow warrior, my friend, my love.