A day in the mind of me

By any means, I am not a strong writer, I may not know how to properly edit and punctuate. I may tend to run a sentence too long sometimes, but I am happy to type out what I am thinking and feeling for others to read.

I am not a very exciting or interesting person, not many would read through all I have written. If there is that chance someone reads every word, I admire you and thank you for taking time out of your day to read some lonely girl's babble.

For a long time, I have been looking for someone to love and care for, thinking that by devoting all my time to someone other than myself I would be happy. no matter what I tell myself or try to do differently, I always get set back into my old comfortable ways. Needing to be loved, and cared for without putting every part of me into something that may not be worth it. Love, now that is one four-letter word that gets overused and misused, a word that gets taken advantage of and loses its meaning, Being told for one to love someone you must love yourself, but what truly is love? I know you can be happy without someone around to fill the void in your heart. but the company and the affection you get from someone is what makes you feel whole.

Filling a void in your heart, because you want to feel whole, feel content, and at peace is a challenge all on its own and it can be quite difficult to do in certain situations. Personally for myself, it is difficult due to the trauma I have endured throughout my lifetime. Wanting to write my whole life story/experiences would be a book of its own but one no one will want to read. Trauma is a terrible thing because you have to work around that trauma, so it doesn't erupt. Hoping that what you do next doesn't unlock that trauma. Living through trauma causes a lot of anxiety in your future and it can be quite unbearable.

A traumatic Experience can be many different things. Personal Experience, I have gone through, emotional/and physical abuse. I have dated alcoholics, narcissists, and many different types of personalities. I grew up with a father who became an emotionally abusive person. Someone who battled his own inner demons and took it out on the ones closest to him that love him. Trauma can also be someone telling you that you will never be good enough, emotionally degrading you to make themselves maybe feel superior. This can truly damage a person and I am absolutely living proof.

Wishing that I had enough courage to maybe start a vlog/youtube channel or something to help voice my experiences in hopes it could help others going through similar ordeals. Maybe having this as a sort of journal would be more beneficial to me. I have never really been much of a private person, I have always been very open and honest about things unless I am too damaged to talk about them.

wishing I could find more words to say, I must depart of the evening hoping this has given readers an idea that if you are going through something, you are not alone and you are loved. I need to hear that and be reassured on a regular, so to read that you are wanted and loved and needed is a big deal.

Stay Blessed.