9 Reasons I Need Me Some 90-Day Fiance

Disclaimer: So that I don't sound like a complete you-know-what, I want to say I wish every "character" on this show True Love. The most absurd, ill-timed, inconvenient kind if that's what they want. As long as it lives in the land of truth.

Why is 90-Day Fiance my most guilty pleasure? It's not like RHONY or RHONJ where you get to watch thrown glasses, slapped faces and table flips.

It's not like Below Deck where they don't take the "Don't s*** where you eat" rule as seriously as in an office. Screwing co-workers whilst drunk is the norm on this show.

And it's not like Southern Charm where you get to watch grown adults attempt to grow up on national TV; complete with custody battles, monkey emoji scandals, and the mother of the producer slyly generating show subplots (and breakups) in her martini room with her butler.

No, it's not any of these things. It's much, much worse.

On the Pathetic Cringeability Richter Scale of 1-100, this show often clocks in at least a 185.

We are talking about a TV producer who is on the hunt for the most desperate, delusional people they can find, throwing them together in a cast, and profiteering off of their naivete, greed, or pathological desire to be loved by someone...anyone.

I almost feel guilty writing in print that I have watched this show. Almost.

I have a theory. The reason so many people watch 90-Day Fiance is so they can feel less f***ed up. "Omigod, I would never do that!" I'm sure is the most commonly uttered phrase of the audience at home.

I like to psychoanalyze reality TV and we all know why people watch the Real Housewives franchise. To see how the other half lives and to watch the alcohol-infused drama. Yes, people still love a good cat fight. This has all been scientifically proven by the Nielsen ratings.

But why in tarnation would anyone in their right mind watch the most delusional grown adults known to man chase unrequited love and have their ego decimated over and over again?

Why would anyone be awestruck by the Nicole & Azan fiasco?

Why would anyone admit that they take any pleasure at all from seeing the oversexed Danielle and Nicole repeatedly attempt to trap their partners in the bedroom with "sexy time?" When what we really should be doing is making sure they don't procreate until they get their act together?

Truly, it feels cruel to even admit as a God-fearing human that anyone would support such a circus.

Why is it that we at home can see as plain as day that in 8 out of 10 couples, the other half is just not that into them?

Make no mistake about it. The reason people watch this show outside of the cringe factor is so that they can feel stable, highly functional, and mentally sound.

There is no other reason. This show is a case study in Who Not To Be and What Not To Do. And that's educational, right?

And it makes us all feel like royalty. "I am not as f***ed up as I once thought or was told." That is the payoff and dopamine hit from watching the world's most cringe-worthy show.

Because I would NEVER do what Darcey does on repeat.

I would never!

Now if we could just get the cast members to refrain from procreating, we might have a shot for humanity to continue.