7 Types of Lovers - The Twisted Version

1. The perfectionist

Saying: Honey, I've planned everything out (well in advance!) and I've laid down the ground rules. Of course, I'm always on time and treat you right, but it irritates me to no end that you can't. I simply don't understand why people, including you, are unable to maintain impeccable organisation, punctuality, and responsibility. Why don't you strive for personal growth the way I do? And how could you make a mess of the bed in that way when I have the covers in the ideal position for us to engage in sexual activity in a spotless and organised environment? You desire spontaneity? Yes, I can plan that! Please specify the guidelines for spontaneity.

The antidote for the perfectionist: Lighten up, mess up a bit (or a lot!), and sin from time to time. You can't be always right.

2. The giver

Saying: Honey, look what I made for you! Oh, it doesn't matter if you want it or not. And now please don't tell me you don't want it after all the effort I have gone to, slaving away and sacrificing myself for you. You owe me at least some appreciation for my efforts. You don't need my efforts? But I live to serve you!! I have no needs other than meeting your needs. And of course you owe me your time, love and validation given everything I do for you (oh yeah, it turns out that I do have needs after all... and perhaps ulterior motives... ) Do you really see my giving as controlling and suffocating? How can you say such a cruel thing when all I can think of is our relationship and your needs? Why would you want your personal space after everything I do for you (even when it's not asked for)?

The antidote for the giver: Spend a lot of time by yourself, and resist the want to interject yourself in other people's lives, especially those of your spouse. Keep your distance from the other person and allow them to take care of themselves. You take care of yourself and your wants, which are numerous since when you are in your trance, you are the most needy person of all.

3. The achiever

Saying: Honey, I worked at the office for 11 hours today, of course, and then I went to the gym. Now, I'm on my way to my night business course. I also managed to phone this fantastic shop and set up for a tailor to come and take my measurements for a new suit over my lunch break while working on my new internet project. You desire to interact with me? Let's see if I can squeeze you into my otherwise incredibly packed agenda. Oh, you desire sexual relations? Yes, that can be arranged. How about June 14th?

Thinking: Don't distract me from my tasks and thank me for everything I do. Also, don't criticise me for continuously tagging myself on Facebook. If I don't accomplish a tonne of things while also always looking my best, I will never be loved.

The antidote for the achiever: Do less, procrastinate, and FEEL more!!

4. The dreamer

Saying: Oh, I so yearn for that sweet yet riveting, full of light yet hidden, mysterious yet revealing connection where a handsome prince from another land will cross the ocean and whisk me away into the depths of the unknown, and love me passionately for who I am, for my uniqueness and talent, and will adore my pain, and will feel this pain, and we will merge in pain forever and live happily ever after... What's that, honey? You are saying you are a real person and you do love me here and now? Oh that sounds so ordinary, I'd rather go back to my dream. (Meanwhile it would be nice if you made some money to pay the bills.)

Thinking: I want to go away because I feel so inadequate, so lacking, and so envious of what other people have. My personal sadness, depression, and overwhelming sense of abandonment overwhelm me. I'm afraid I might sever my wrists. But first, I'll compose a poem that, after I'm long gone, people will finally recognise, value, and love.

The antidote for the dreamer: Get real! See the light and joy in the ordinary! Appreciate what you have right here, right now. Don't compare yourself to others, and don't envy what others appear to have. Approach life in a more pragmatic way. Do more, dream less. After all, someone has to pay the bills and there is nothing wrong if you yourself do that. Artists are allowed to make money too, suffering is not their only calling.

5. The thinker

Saying: Speaking about sex, honey, did you know that the largest brain-imaging study of its kind indeed finds some sex-specific patterns to men and women, but overall there appear to be more similarities than differences. The investigation work raises interesting questions about how brain differences between the sexes may influence intelligence and behavior... For decades, brain scientists have noticed that on average, male brains tend to have slightly higher total brain volume than female ones, even when corrected for males' larger average body size. But it has proved notoriously tricky to pin down exactly which substructures within the brain are more or less voluminous. Most studies have looked at relatively small sample sizes-typically fewer than 100 brains-making large-scale conclusions impossible... In a recent new study, a team of researchers led by psychologist Stuart Ritchie, a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Edinburgh, turned to data from UK Biobank, an ongoing, long-term biomedical study of people living in the United Kingdom with 500,000 enrollees. A subset of those enrolled in the study underwent brain scans using MRI. In 2750 women and 2466 men aged 44-77, Ritchie and his colleagues examined the volumes of 68 regions within the brain, as well as the thickness of the cerebral cortex, the brain's wrinkly outer layer thought to be important in consciousness, language, memory, perception, and other functions...

What? You are saying you want for us to have sex? Oh, I need to do so much more studying before I dare put any of that precious knowledge into practice. I will just recluse again and continue my research.

The antidote for the thinker: Participate. Put everything you've learned to use. Start dancing all the steps you've been learning from your reading and studies. Spend more time interacting with people than books. Even if you act like a snob, we still like you (and no, we usually don't care about all the "cool" stuff you keep providing). We don't bite, so just come outside and play with us.

6. The fun-loving

Saying: Honey, let's all get together and have an orgy!

Thinking: Because I love you so much, I want to enjoy every wonderful event with you and I want you to do the same. Aside from that, I find it difficult to stay with you until we drastically change things up so that I feel alive and excited. I had to give it a shot! Simply said, I don't want to lose out.

The antidote for fun-loving: Commit and go deeper into one thing. Avoid overcommitting, overdrinking, overeating and overspending. Don't be a narcissist. Start reading books instead. Yes, we know you hate reading but the things you hate the most are good for you. Pick something and stick with it.

7. The easy-going

Saying: Sure, honey, whatever you say and want is fine by me (as long as there is no conflict). I am in no rush.

Thinking: I have already lowered my expectations anyway (so I don't get disappointed and don't go after what I want in case I need to be assertive, make decisions and, God forbid, create conflict). I am not even sure what I want anymore (let alone articulate it or go after it), so sure, I will go along. However, please ask me again (and again!) what I want because if you keep ignoring me and my needs (which I myself have no idea about), my anger will keep building up and will eventually explode at the least expected time.

The antidote for the easy-going: Become aware of your own life. Learn to articulate your needs and wants despite the possibility of opposing viewpoints and desires by becoming aware of your own needs and wants. Step away from the couch and begin doing things that will benefit you and you alone. And although you may think that everything is still and that you have another 200 years to live, please hurry up because time really does fly.