5 Healthy Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Toxic

“You have no idea how many times my boyfriend accused me of ruining our relationship because I was doing something wrong.” My friend Clara told me recently. We like to discuss relationship matters. She’s been in way more romantic relationships than me, and I feel comfortable talking to her about love problems.

We were lying on the sofa, chit-chatting about former partners, when we ended up discussing all the toxic habits we have experienced in the past.

Clara started giving me examples of past actions her ex-boyfriends didn’t like and asked me to confirm she was right. Clara loves to be right; I mean, who doesn’t?

Well, we didn’t agree on everything, and the idea of having confused healthy relationship attitudes for toxic ones started buzzing into my mind.

Is there an action we all have done at least once in our life thinking it was “wrong,” but it’s actually ok? Can these habits strengthen the bond with our significant other instead of tear the relationship apart?

Spending time apart

One thing Clara and I have in common is the passion for solo travels. We can spend days on our own in foreign places. We like to explore, meet new people but, above everything, be free to wander at our peace.

Clara told me, “I was dating Teo a few years ago. We were a couple of months into the relationship when I told him I was leaving for Spain. He accused me of being selfish because I preferred to travel on my own instead of planning the summer holidays at the local beach together.”

Some people think you should always do activities together. Even if you have different interests than your partner. You should sacrifice your free time and do something you don’t like just to please the other one. It’s not true.

Why it is a healthy habit

Being alone gives you time to enjoy your passions without forcing your partner to join. Who wants to spend their free time with someone always complaining because they prefer being elsewhere?

Spending some time alone can also help you reconnect with yourself. Take a break from your busy life.

Spending time with other people without your partner is also good to improve friendships and self-esteem. You don’t need to have your partner always by your side and ready to back you up.

According to the article by Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera, Ph.D., on Psychology Today, “Personal time allows us to maintain our individual identities, provides opportunities to do things we like to do, and lets us feel like we have some control over our lives.” The authors also point out how important it is to balance the time spent together, alone, or with friends and family.

Stepping away in the middle of a fight

Clara once had a terrible fight with her partner. He started calling her names and throwing objects everywhere. He became frighteningly violent. She ran away as fast as she could. On that occasion, she understood no one deserves to be insulted, or worse, for any reason.

From that time, she decided to take a step back every time the fight was getting dirty, and she felt overwhelmed.

“If I feel I’m losing my mind, getting mad for an event that’s probably nothing important, I take a couple of steps back and leave the room. That’s what I do if my partner starts yelling at me. I don’t want to live again the awful situation I experienced in the past.”

Why it is a healthy habit

Yep, sometimes fights get out of control. Partners start yelling, insulting, and throwing stuff against each other. If the conversation isn’t going anywhere, it’s better to take a break, chill down, and return to it later.

According to the article by Nathan Cobb Ph.D., when partners lose sight of their own responsibilities and keep concentrating only on the partner’s fault, taking a time-out gives the couple the chance to calm down.

Cobb says, “A time-out should be deployed when there is a change in the internal state of one or both spouses that puts them both at risk of remaining in an escalating, pointless and destructive argument.”

Stepping away from the discussion only works if both partners agree on using the technique when the situation seems to go out of control. The break shouldn’t be too long. It’s meant only to give partners the time to cool down, relax and get rid of the anger.

Once the tension is gone, the partners can go back to the problem by having a more respectful conversation.

Arguing in front of the kids

It’s not rare for some adults to have difficulties handling a fight because they don’t know how to do it properly.

Some parents prefer to resolve conflicts behind closed doors to protect their children from the fight and the words they might say against each other.

Children don’t learn healthy conflict resolutions and bring their lack into their future romantic relationship.

Why it is a good habit

According to the psychotherapist Jennifer Tomko’s words reported in an article on Healthline, “Once toddlers develop language skills, they mimic the language and communication styles of the adults around them.”

A research held in 2016 has revealed that unresolved tensions due to a parental disagreement are connected to children’s anxiety, depression, and social phobia.

On the contrary, a previous study held in 2009 proves that children of parents who had constructive disagreements showed better coping skills, better collaboration attitude with other children, and are more empathetic.

When arguing in front of your children, remember you are trying to solve a conflict with your partner and, at the same time, teach your kids how to handle their future disagreement with their partner correctly.

Being true even if it will hurt your partner’s feelings

Relationships should be based on honesty. As we all well know, being honest isn’t always pleasant because you might hurt other’s feelings.

You shouldn’t be afraid of sharing ideas with your significant other.

What’s most important is for both to understand that you are not expressing thoughts to hurt the other, but with the sole intention to make them aware of what’s going on and find a solution together.

According to Rob Pascale and Lou Primavera Ph.D. article on Psychology Today, it is essential to choose the right time for confrontation. In fact, you should probably wait until your emotions subside.

They say, “Communication problems can arise when we present an issue in a way that is hurtful, embarrassing, or humiliating. Brutal honesty is essentially beating up on your partner, and that’s destructive. Being sensitive to your partner’s feelings gets the point across, but with less risk of a counter-attack.”

Why it is a good habit

Sharing your thoughts and emotions to express yourself and let your partner know the true you is essential for a long-lasting relationship where partners understand and support each other.

You should feel free and safe to share your feelings with your partner.

Accordingly to Randi Gunther Ph.D. article on Psychology Today, “In any relationship that you value and want to continue, you must be willing to share anything that might currently or in the future endanger your partner emotionally or physically, no matter how hard that may be to share.”

Randi Gunther examples of information you should share with your partners include but aren’t limited to hereditary disease, criminal records, money management difficulties, and family problems that might affect your future relationship.

Not answering texts right away

We are so dependant on our smartphones that they are like an extension of ourselves.

While cell phones are useful for keeping in touch with friends and family or doing business, being addicted to them might cause health issues.

As we are constantly with the phone in our hands, it seems obvious everyone should answer right away to messages and phone calls.

By doing so, you create a sort of expectation for others. Every time you stop what you are doing to reply to a text, you teach others to expect quick responses in the future, leading to texting anxiety.

“Texting anxiety is the distress some people experience when waiting for a reply from a text that they have sent, or the distress related to a text that has been received that raises unexpected questions/concerns,” Forrest Talley, Ph.D., said to Southern Living. “The impact is that this anxiety adds to one’s daily stress, is a distraction, and frequently leads people to spend unnecessary time attempting to resolve the tension that has now arisen.”

My friend Clara had to face her boyfriend texting anxiety once. He was used to receiving an immediate answer to any of his messages from his previous girlfriend. He kept sending Clara a lot of texts if she didn’t reply to the first one in less than 10 minutes or so. His messages drove her crazy, and they couldn’t find a way to work it out, so she left him for good.

Why it is a good habit

Not replying to texts right away offers you the chance to stay focus on what you are doing.

It has nothing to do with being impolite, but people should understand you aren’t always available, including your partner. You should always give priority to the moment. Of course, make sure it is not a time-sensitive or emergency text, the one you just received.

Some people use texts and phone calls as an excuse to have control over you when they aren’t physically close to you. According to an article published on Very Well Mind, “Excessive texting is an early warning sign of digital dating abuse.”

Conclusion

We all have misconceptions about relationship habits. We see something works for a couple, and we assume we should copy their behavior.

Some people think their relationship practices are healthy while they are actually toxic, and it can happen the other way around.

Who cold have thought that texts from your partner can be a way of digital abuse and that spending time on your own can actually benefit your relationship?

These relationship advice might help you reconsider your attitudes toward your partner and your bond. Always seek professional help if you are struggling in your relationship.