30s. Female. Single. No Kids.

I’ve always pictured myself to be a mother. Since I was a little girl, I've imagined having two boys, but regardless of the gender or quantity, I just knew that my destiny would lead to motherhood. Everyone tells me that I would make a good mother and I have those natural motherly instincts. I have always felt through my intuition that there’s a little soul inside my heart waiting to meet me as insane as that may sound. But when you know, you know.

Here I am, though, almost 32 in two months with no children. On top of that, not even married, nor in a relationship, so children are nowhere in my near future as it currently seems. A few years ago, this would’ve frightened me knowing that what I had always envisioned for myself is nonexistent at this late in my life. But I’m here to show why it doesn’t matter.

There’s such a societal pressure for women as they approach their thirties since nature’s clock ticks faster as each year passes by. We only have so long to reproduce and it’s always been in the back of my mind as the years creep up. Most of my girlfriends from my childhood are all married with kids and if they don’t have kids, they’re planning to with their husbands. Both of my sisters have been married with kids for years now and they are done having anymore. It seems that everyone from my upbringing has gone down that path. It’s quite obvious that I’m the only one who is still single and childless and I can sense this unspoken wonder of when it’ll be my turn. It’s always that big elephant in the room at family gatherings or reuniting with friends, and hearing the don’t worry your time will come over and over again as if I’m put in this category of rejects. Not that anyone is judging me and I'm probably noticing it more than anyone else, but it's an obvious observation of what my situation is in comparison to theirs. But who’s to say they’re on the right path and I’m not? It’s just a different path and neither are wrong.

I’ve come to realize that maybe I’m late to the motherhood game because my life took a different turn than most of the people I grew up with. My twenties were extremely nonconventional and I took advantage of opportunities that led me to some of my wildest and most memorable experiences. I had the chance to move to a big city, travel around the world, meeting all kinds of people, eating all kinds of food, and found myself reaping the benefits of being a young, open-minded woman with no strings attached. There was no room for a family or settling down during that time.

In my late twenties I was faced with a tragedy that led me to an awakening and everything in my life as I knew it hit the brakes and flipped a 180. My whole world stopped and it motivated me to let go of everything that was preventing me from growing in the right direction. It was as if I came back down to earth and was reborn again. I had to start over. Start from scratch. And I had no clue what to do, but I knew I was being gravitated towards a new direction to seek my truth. Again, not the right time to start a family and settle down. I was sent on this self-development journey to find myself.

Now that I’ve “found myself” or at least have a really good sense of who I am, as I mentioned earlier, I’ll be turning 32 in a couple months. I can’t help but to wonder where the time went and how the numbers keep creeping up. My mind automatically thinks about reaching 35 and then 40. Then I dwell in the fear of missing my mark. But is it just me, or do the years fly by faster the older you get? I know 32 is still a young age and I still have a lot of time, but it’s only natural for me to want what I’ve always dreamed for myself by being a mother, especially since I thought it would happen by now. The baby fever is so real that I caved and got myself a puppy last summer. I treat her as if she is my child and I can see the type of mom I’m going to be someday. It was the best decision I’ve made in a long time because she fills a big void in my heart - she’s already made me a mom.

This past year, I’ve really had the chance to slow down and observe my life. The more I tune into myself, the more I realize that comparing myself to other women's lives and putting pressure on my biological clock is not doing me any good. Now I’m at a point where I look back on my adulthood and see why I am where I am today and why children have not entered my life just yet. I needed to go through all that I did and learn who I was in order to reach a healthy state of mind and have the stability to raise children. I look back on the last 10 years with gratitude for all that I got to experience that many people will never get to in their lifetime. And most of all, having this time to be on my own and step into my power as a woman on my own terms is the greatest blessing as I make space for what is meant for me. I’m at peace with my timing and believe that yes, “my time will come”, but as of now I continue moving forward with patience and acceptance for what is.

If you’re in the same boat as me and losing hope, please remember to have self-compassion. The most important thing to do is not lose sight of your worthiness and feel that anything is wrong with you. We cannot control divine timing nor what nature has in store for us, but we can control how we maintain ourselves through the unknown. Sometimes motherhood comes later for those who have work to do and that work may be what we were called here to do. Some of us women need to be the seekers and modifiers of societal expectations because it takes a certain type of courage to walk through life on our own. Maybe the work we have to do is simply becoming the best humans we can be with the wisdom we've gained that will be passed on to our children as we prepare to raise the next generation. Maybe until then we are meant to be motherly figures for those around us and for our own inner child. Maternal instincts still exist with or without kids and maybe we are the chosen ones to apply it in our daily lives as a way of providing pure beauty and love into the world. Either way, we have some work to do, ladies, and it starts within ourselves.