13 Lessons I’ve Learned About Life In Hard Times - But Don’t Ever Seem to Get Right

Originally posted on Medium on May 30, 2021.

Sometimes life is good, sometimes life is great, and sometimes life is just really $h!tty. I guess in a way that could be one of the 13 things on this list about what I have learned about life, but I’ll present it to you as an introductory bonus.

The truth is, right now, I am in a rut, and a really big one at that. Life is not what I deem fulfilling and enjoyable at the moment. It actually feels quite dark and difficult. And while that may be, it seemed like a good time to write out some things and dish out some life advice. All too often, it feels like advice comes from when someone has recovered and is on cloud 9, but not when someone is at or near rock bottom and looking up wishing life was a little better, a little friendlier.

I can certainly tell you from where I am at right now if I had done a better job at any one of these lessons I might not feel as rough as I do. So from me to you, do better than I did so you don’t have to write one of these lists while you are in the weeds.

1. Self-care is extremely important: you need to take care of yourself first before you can truly help someone else. If life kicks you in the balls, take a break and ice them. Check your mental and physical health frequently.
2. Active listening shows others you are present: That doesn’t mean you job in place, or actively do something while talking. That means to stop what you are doing and give the other person your full and undivided attention.
3. Think before you speak: Some of us are just too excitable or feel like we have the greatest relatable feedback on Earth. Some of us just have faulty brains that can’t filter all of our thoughts. But, that doesn’t make it any less important to think first, then speak.
4. You are solely responsible for your life and your choices: This is true unless you are poor Britney Spears, but it doesn’t matter how bad life is, or how much someone abused you or lied to you. It doesn’t matter the illness, the injury, or the loss. The person most responsible for digging yourself out of any hole is yourself.
5. Just because somebody else has something doesn’t make you entitled to it: I don’t mean this in the sense of stealing. But, think about what you envy in others. Just because their career seems perfect, their marriage seems perfect, their family seems perfect, it doesn’t mean that you deserve to have the same things. Guaranteed that there are things they envy in others as well.
6. Know how to ask for and to accept help: Holy cow do I suck at this. There is something unnerving about having to ask someone for something when you really need help. Maybe because I don’t want to burden anyone, or I don’t feel my problems are important enough. But there are a lot of people out there who want to help and can help you before things get out of control. And when they are out of control, well, you really need to know how to ask for help.
7. Not everyone cares: Just because they are in your life doesn’t mean they really care for your best interests. So, in line with self-care and being responsible for your own choices, you must always keep an eye open for the self-centered foe who enjoys you when you have something to give them, but won’t be there when you are in times of need.
8. Boundaries are very important: Learn to set boundaries. They should help give you the space you need for yourself, and also set warnings for those who don’t respect them. If someone becomes argumentative over your boundaries, you can evaluate whether you set them right, or you just might have identified a highly toxic person in your life. In that case, your boundaries still worked and you identified a problem.
9. Find the good in every situation: If you are a person of faith, maybe you trust that God has a plan for you no matter the troubles you are facing. If you don’t, try to take each situation as a learning experience. Good or bad, you learn something from anyone and anything you are doing. At least try to do this. Certainly, we can all encounter situations that have nothing good about them, like when you notice after you leave that a fast food place forgot to give you a straw with your drink.
10. The truth doesn’t always matter: Sometimes you need to learn when to walk away from something and not pursue justice. Sometimes you need to pursue justice but also be able to accept defeat as a possible outcome. The good guy doesn’t always win, sometimes it is the ruthless gambler or the lying narcissist. Learn to accept that sometimes it just is what it is whether you feel it is right or not.
11. Experiencing something with someone is far greater than having things or lots of money: I regret my anxieties and whatever reasons I gave into making too many Amazon and Home Depot purchases. I wish I lived more in tune with Teddy Roosevelt’s quote, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” There are many I wish I had more and better experiences with.
12. When in doubt let it all out: This goes well with the whole self-care thing. Don’t live your life in a bubble or with your feelings locked in a box. That hurts way too much. I’m learning that the hard way, especially having people who disagree with this point. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. Don’t listen to them, and certainly don’t share with them. We aren’t meant to hold onto things. You can either share your pain and struggles with a friend, get yourself a therapist, or write it out in a journal. Just do what you can to get it all out. And don’t be afraid to cry. Don’t fear feeling feelings.
13. The only way to know is to begin: We are human, we have flaws, we can suck at a lot of things. We can make a lot of excuses or fear the outcomes because we have experienced so much pain and failure. For some of us, when it comes to making changes, the hardest thing to do is to simply begin.