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The hardest part of trying to heal is that you constantly get bullied into who you used to be; in my case, I left my first love and mother of my kids, and since then I have become a whole different version of me, three years now, and though everything surrounding me shows my growth, to her, me leaving the marriage will always be who I am and what I do. At first this was incredibly frustrating, but as time went by, I realized that no explanation, no showing, no type of conversation will ever make her perception of me any different, I left for a man, I am now a hoe, I am man-crazy, d6ck hungry, horrible mother, because I chose something unconventional. When you choose to work on yourself, when you focus on healing and becoming a better version of yourself, people get mad, because why are you seeking what they cannot understand?

Recently I found that the catalyst that brought me to this journey, is not even half of the man I thought he was: I was completely destroyed, but once I got up from the floor where that kick left me, I looked around to everything I’ve built, everything I’ve done; is easy to mistaken the current of the ocean for the waves, as humans we tend to give much credit to everyone, everything but ourselves, him not being my fantasy, allowed me to find myself and that I can’t be mad at him for.

Loving vs loving myself have changed the way I react, the way I connect, it has changed so much that at times, I scared myself if I am being honest; I could have handled that situation so different and though for a second there it took me out of character, I chose to recollect, and react once I had made peace with my emotions. As I spoke about it, I had to stop and congratulate myself for reacting like such a grown up, once upon a time I was toxic, and half crazy, with all the information I had on my hands I would’ve destroyed the snail walking by me; my behavior was a direct mirror to my feelings, my actions were a direct mirror to my growth, I behaved type A personality, bullet points, 1 text, in peace with whatever the response might had been, I cut all ties, immediately disconnecting from any future exchanges; easiest decision, yet.

While I might not be able to do the same for all the connections in my life, I’ve learned the important of boundaries, the importance of ‘no answer is an answer’, because at the end of the day, I can't be held responsible for how people think of me, I can't be responsible for how people react to my needs, when they can’t meet them, the importance of accepting my flaws, my issues, and how I chose to work on them. Healing does not have a uniform, a time frame, nor a situation; healing is choosing you every single time, choosing to stay balanced, choosing to only interact with growing fountains, choosing to be mindful, kind, and generous with Self before outsourcing.

The hardest part in this journey is to know when to walk away, when to stay, when to take, when to give; there is a fine line between Spirituality and healing, a lot of people get lost in transition, a lot of people call you crazy, call you self-centered, Spirituality is not a deck of tarot cards, is not crystals, is not meditation, Spirituality is the connection you build with yourself and the Divine; healing is the commitment you make with the same: the fine line is what differentiates how you connect the two.

I can’t tell her to treat me different if she doesn’t see me different, I can’t ask him to have had been the man I thought he was, because that would mean he wouldn’t had have the impact he did in my life; the beautiful thing about Universe is that everything has a reason, even the most hurtful moments, the most traumatic stories, everything at the end of the day makes you exactly who you were meant to be, and the architect of such a legendary monument is the one starring in the mirror.

XOXO

Lucy