11 Years Ago

The year and date today is July 15th 2020 at 10 a.m. I am 26 now.

11 years ago, I was 15, and it was at that time when I saw this little boy who I thought I would never see again...

My first instinct, when I first saw him, was to approach him. I was at a movie theater with friends, and it was around late Spring. I just happened to see this little boy walking into the movie theater by himself, and so of course, I thought he's either looking for someone or waiting for someone, but for some reason, I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him, like something just clicked and hit me like a flash, and I had to go talk to him. I had to see who he was and why I felt so off. I felt inclined, but, I just needed to go talk to him, I just needed to know and I had to know he was, and why I felt the way I did! See I couldn't explain it, I just did, I felt this way for no reason, I didn't understand why it took me several years to try to figure it out, I never had the courage or strength to go up and talk to him, I swear that was the last time I was ever going to see him again, because I never did...

2 years later, I had that same little boy for class, but at the same time I didn't realize who he actually was, I didn't realize that he was the same little boy I saw that day at the movie theater, and this was 2 years later. Nothing hit me, nothing clicked, or poked at me, like, it didn't occur to me that it was him, nothing got my attention. It's just that after I walked into that classroom I saw him, and I felt like I've seen him somewhere before, but I couldn't figure it out. I could not just figure this out, and I'm not just going to go up and talk to him all randomly and ask him like: “Hey, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?! I’m sure I have!” That's now how it’s like, like he doesn't know me, and I don't know him that's just how it is, day by day, every time I entered that classroom. Now everyone in that classroom was from different schools, we all rode a bus to get to career center because we all enrolled in a class we liked that was off campus. That also explained why I never saw him again, he went to a different school in the same city, but he lived in another city, and also took a bus to his school, 3 different high schools always met up in that class, and I never knew he’d be one of them.

Every time I came in, I would just look at him, and sometimes stare when he wasn't looking. Making sure I never got caught, mostly because I couldn't figure out why? Like, I know I've seen him somewhere, but I never figured it out, he was also attractive, but I was more into the fact that I know I've seen him before, I always kept contemplating about it, but that's just something I kept to myself. I also did have a boyfriend at the time, but I’ve been trying to end things with him for about 1-2 months already, but that's a story for another time, and he wasn’t letting me break up with him, so I took this opportunity to explore and try to figure this little boy out, because my relationship had been over since before I ever saw that little boy again. And I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from getting to know him, just as soon as I can get the nerve to talk to him...

Two or three months later, I finally got the courage to go up and talk to him, mostly because we were starting on projects, and the days before, I attempted talking to him, even small talk, but that didn’t go so well, and we needed partners. Ironically enough, he picked me to be his partner! I was surprised, excited, nervous, confused, shocked, and most of all very curious... That’s when I started talking to him first. After the school project and the partnership was over, or almost over, we finally got together! We said things, did things, made promises, and progressed to the future. Now, it's been almost nine years later and he still doesn't know/realize that he's that same little boy I saw at the movie theater, he never knew that I was there that day, that I was looking at him that day. We've had our ups and downs, we've said stupid things and had horrible arguments, there was deception, lying, etc…, but even after everything, and all the b******* we’re still here. After all the stuff we've done to each other, we know each other too well to just let it go. We even had two kids together in the past, but those kids didn't make it, but it still happened, and after a while I thought to myself, “Was it love at first sight? Is he my soulmate? Was it fate? Destiny? What is it?! I made a connection with him that I can never make with anybody else, cuz even after we fought, argued, and separated, I couldn't just be with anyone else, he’s different and special, unlike all my other past relationships, he just fit the bill, and I couldn’t explain why?...

I couldn't remember why, or I didn’t know why I couldn't just forget him, he was everything to me and more. I don't regret ever meeting him, I do regret all the other stuff that happened, but a lot of the hurtful stuff was unintentional. I'm depressed, full of anxiety, and emotional. I suffer from a mental condition and disease, all caused by trauma and assault as a child… I have MDD, and Diabetes. I didn't have a good life growing up, but I try not to let that get to me especially when it involves him and the child. He's just a part of me and our children, he's everything and the main person that I connected with before we even got together. He's the first person I saw that I didn't know I was going to be with, he was the exact person that I needed to be with, but also, who I wanted to be with, and if I ever lost him I would lose it and go crazy being insane, I wouldn’t be the same anymore... even if somehow he sees us as separated.

Even though we’re still together it's understandable that we still hurt, we've gone through a lot and we still feel and understand how the other person feels, no matter how bad it hurts we're still here for each other. Whether he sees that or not, or if he understands that or not it doesn't matter. I will always be there even if he isn't, that's the reason why I always stay, because he is a part of me, he is a part of me that I cannot discontinue, without that little boy I wouldn’t be here today. I love that little boy, but will he understand that he's the little boy I saw before we even met? Even if I told him, will he remember? Would he understand? He should get why I did the things I did and why I stayed so long, but I will still continue to stay. I hope he will. I hope he gets it and understands, even if I have to repeat it, I will, I will do it as often as I have to until he gets it. Whether he remembers or not, I would just hope he understands why. I will make sure he gets it cuz every time I think about it, I cry and I cry, because I keep going back to 11 years ago.

11 years ago I was just a teen. I am now 26 and I live with that little boy. He still doesn't know that he was that little boy since 11 years ago, and I don't know if I’ll ever tell him. But, once I do, and he doesn't remember, I will always know and I hope that he does too, cuz I love that little boy no matter what, he is my heart and soul, and I miss that little boy, it’s a shame that he doesn't know...