1010 Words

It’s cold. A new wave of sadness hits me and it’s only 7:43 in the morning.

The sun is rising and it looks beautiful, it looks warm. It reminds me of her. She was like the sun, she could make your day the brightest it has ever been; but the difference with her and the sun was that the sun goes down eventually, she never did. She was always warm-warm and beautiful. The sun is peeking through my curtains now, trying to brighten my day. But I don’t want to open them because that means it's another day without her. I’ve noticed that my tulips have died. I have to get rid of those soon. All the petals have fallen onto my unused turntable. I am stalling. I shuck the covers off me and go to my curtains. I grab one of them and start pulling it back. Instantly the sun starts spilling all over my hand, reflecting onto my skin making it slightly warm. The more I pull the curtain back the more I see what the sun is reflecting on-I used to be one of those things. I can see the parts of the trees that are catching the sun’s reflection, but then I also see other parts that are hidden just out of reach. That's how I feel right now, that I am cold in the shadows even though the sun is so close to me. She used to make me feel so comforted and warm every time she was near, nothing could put a shadow over me. Like, you know when you are on a walk and there is snow on the ground and the sun is out, and it doesn’t feel cold? Because not only does the snow reflect the light of the sun onto your face, it also makes you feel this warm inviting feeling that gives you this internal comfort. But then you look over to the other side of the road and it’s all shadows. It is so cold and nothing about that side makes you want to go over there. That’s the feeling I have without her. I’m thinking too hard, yet that’s all I have been doing since she left. I keep trying to think of reasons why she would leave and I have some predictions, but I don’t know if I want the answer to them.

I can’t be in ou- my room anymore. I can’t keep thinking about this, I need to not think about her today because it is such a crippling feeling and I can’t do it anymore. I put on a jumper over my night dress to go downstairs. It’s quiet, it has been for a while now and I can’t seem to bring myself to make it seem like there is life in here without her because there really isn’t anymore. Fuck, I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself. She’s gone, I don’t know where she is and I can’t do anything about that. I go over to the cupboard and grab myself a mug to get myself some coffee :lord knows I need it. Or maybe I don’t, I haven’t been getting much sleep and I am sure this isn’t helping. Regardless, I get one for myself and go sit down in the living room. The sun looks so inviting through the windows, it is spilling over the couch that we used to sit on together. It used to be so comfortable here. It used to have sunshine bursting through every inch of it, now it barely enters the windows. I think I am going to go outside today, it has been days and I need fresh air.

After I finish my coffee, I go find some sweatpants to pull over top of my night dress because I really can’t be asked to be so motivated as to take off old clothes and replace them with new ones. Right as I am about to put my shoes on there is a knock at the door. I am instantly frozen to the spot I am standing in, I start to think that maybe it’s her, maybe she came back. Maybe she came home. I am out of this trance I was in the second the thought comes to my mind and rush over to the door. I twist it so it unlocks, and with both force and anxiety, open the door. There is nothing there. My heart falls into my stomach and I can feel a headache starting to form. I would probably start crying if I hadn’t been doing it so much lately. I am about to close the door when I look down and that is when I see a little black book. I pick it up and go inside.

You’d think I would have tore it open to see what was inside, but I don’t because I know who it’s from. I’ve seen this book before. I know exactly who this belongs to. I am hesitant to open it because I have seen her write in this for years and I don’t know if I can relive those memories with her again; except this time without her. As much as I love her and as much as I would like to say that she was an open book, she wasn’t. She kept secrets and she rarely answered my questions with straight answers. Including questions about this book. She would always distract me somehow, whether with her smile, her mind, or her body; any question I asked would leave my brain because she was so good at distracting me with her love. I know I have to open this. I know her and she wouldn’t have shared this with me if I didn’t need to see this. So I do.

02/10/2016

Today is like no other day I have had before. I haven’t been this happy in a long time and I have only just met you.You told me your name was Lillian but to call you lily because it makes you sound old, I think either is beautiful, just like you but we only just met today and I didn’t want to come off as too forward. I hope I can bump into you again.

02/12/2016

This is CRAZY. The fact that I literally bumped into you today has to be fate. All I have been doing is thinking about lillian lillian lillian… and really nothing else. And I knew it was a shot in the dark to ask you on a date (on valentines day) but I am so happy you said yes. I don’t want to get ahead of myself because we don’t really know each other.. So let's just see how this date goes.

02/15/2017

A year ago yesterday marks our first date.. And the day I asked you to be my girlfriend. I know I haven’t written here in a while, but I thought it was time to start again. It used to be the place I would write all the wrongs that have happened in my life, but not anymore. I want to give this to you one day so you can at least feel how much I love you through pages. I am not the best person to count on in any way, and that includes my love,but I am trying, for you. Always for you Lillian. I love you, ma petite fleur.

03/04/2017

My lovely Lillian. I love you so much, but I am sorry. I can’t always tell you about my past and I know you want to know and be able to help me, but I am not ready yet. I don’t know if I will ever be ready. I hate reliving my life from before I met you. I know I seem like a dick when I don’t tell you about myself, but you shouldn’t have to live through my past to understand me. I just want you to live with me through our future ma petite fleur.

09/30/2017

I need to leave. I am starting to plan it out. It won’t be for another couple of months, but I can’t be here right now. I know that I am your sun, but I can’t see that in myself anymore. I call you ‘ma petite fleur’ because you are shy and you don’t always speak your mind when you want to, but you do with me, and that makes me feel so honoured. You see me as the light you need to bloom, but you can’t depend on me to always be there for you because I am not the most dependable. Look at me , I am literally writing this with you lying next me in bed asleep. I am such a coward, but I hope you still love me in the end.

02/14/2018

My Lillian I know it’s our two year anniversary today. This will be my last day with you… for now. I know you will be reading this soon so before I explain myself I want to share my favourite memory of us. There is no doubt that I love every single moment with you, but my all time favourite has to be when we painted our room. I remember you bugging me about wanting to paint it, so I finally caved. You said you wanted to add an accent wall. What a surprise for me to find out it would be this beautiful 70’s inspired sun and that you wanted it to fill the biggest wall in the room. I honestly can’t refuse you for anything so I did not even give it a second thought.That day is a bit of a blur because I suggested we drink while doing it. To be honest that wasn’t the best idea because I drank a little too much and I got so drunk that I just watched you paint the wall yourself. I remember watching you and the sun just started reflecting onto your skin. That had to have been the most beautiful image I have ever seen in my life. I don’t really remember much after, but what I can say for certain is that I will never forget the peace I felt in that moment with you. I hope you know that's the reason I always made sure there were flowers in the room because I know that the sun was for me, but you needed to be in the room with me as well. I know I should have technically put lilies in the room because of your name, but I think tulips fit your personality more. They drop when they don’t have enough water and sunlight, essentially they rely on love and you do too. But when they have it, they are the most gorgeous, blooming flowers that brighten your day. I know reading this you must feel the opposite of what I just said, but I hope you can forgive me. I am not coming back, at least not right now; but I want you to come find me. Even if you just want to cry or be angry with me. Come and find me and I will tell you everything, about me ,about my past life, about why I ran, everything. I have taken out $20,000 and put it in an envelope which you’ll find in the back of this book. This will require a lot of traveling around and the least I could do was give you the money for it. I will be sending you hints along the way, but all you need to do now is think back to our second valentine's day together. Think about the conversation we had and what we talked about. With that being said, come find me baby.

Love Ash