10 Tips for Building a Successful Relationship

If for most of us, the age of 30 is the age of stability, family and happy and successful relationships, there are people who at 35 are still alone and very little experienced in what a relationship means. Maybe they're the ones who apply the reverse "attachment theory", the ones who avoid closeness, the ones who try to stay independent and have trouble getting close to people… or maybe they're the ones who want closeness, but I don't know how to get there.

Mark Manson, one of the most important authors in the field of personal development - extremely sincere and analytical in his approaches - recently published an article explaining the exact reasons why some relationships succeed and others fail.

To find out the key factors in a successful relationship, Manson asked his subscribers involved in a relationship for over 10 years to answer a few questions about their relationship. About 1,500 people responded to the email, making it the basis for their analysis.

Manson found that everyone's answers were extremely repetitive, in a good way. We are talking about " intelligent and expressive people, coming from all walks of life, from various parts of the world, all with their own stories, tragedies, mistakes and victories ." And yet they all said the same thing.

This means that the 10 ideas below are extremely important and even work in the sense of building a happy and long lasting relationship. Here are the ones.

1. Be together for the right reasons

Before discussing the right reasons to stay in a relationship, Manson's readers shared some of the reasons they considered inappropriate:

You feel pressure from family and friends.

You are content with the first person who gets in your way, because you feel like a looser because you are alone.

You are with someone for the picture, because the relationship looks good on paper or in pictures, and not because you really admire your partner or because you like him.

You are young, naive, and hopelessly in love, and you believe that love solves everything.

For a relationship to work, it takes genuine admiration, on a deep level, between the two partners.

2. Set realistic expectations

According to Manson, in ancient times people believed that love was a disease. Parents warn their children not to fall in love and to do something stupid in the name of feelings, precisely because love makes us feel incredible inside, but also makes us extremely irrational.

Think of your high school classmate who dropped out of school, sold everything, and in a moment of madness ran away with her girlfriend. Or to his co-worker who resigned in an instant and moved to another country, just because on a vacation he met a beautiful girl who caught his mind.

In cases like the ones above - and they are not few at all! - Unstoppable love fools you and causes you to do irrational things, starting from the simple desire to be with someone with whom you have a special chemistry. This is what nature does: it causes us to make short-term decisions, to the detriment of long-term planning.

True love, according to Manson's research, is a choice. Love "is a constant commitment to a person, regardless of current circumstances. It's a commitment to someone you realize won't always make you happy - you shouldn't! - a person who will need to rely on you sometimes, just as you will need to rely on him sometimes ”.

This form of love is much more difficult, but in the end it brings you much more satisfaction.

3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect

In opposition to the many articles you've probably read over time that suggest that the most important factor in a long-term relationship is communication, Manson's findings - as a result of his readers' reports - say that the most important thing in a relationship is respect.

Of course, communication is also important, but Manson noted from this research that people whose marriages last 20, 30 or even 40 years claim that the most important factor in the success of their relationship is respect.

Communication will always fail at some point. Conflicts are inevitable, and in this case the only thing that will keep you on the right path is deep respect for each other. We are talking about a kind of respect in which to believe so much in the one next to you and to appreciate him so much. (sometimes even believing in him more than in yourself) so that you are convinced that your partner will make the best decisions in the life circumstances in which he is. Respect is synonymous with trust, and both are the source of the life of any successful relationship.

4. Talk openly about everything, especially painful things

This is where communication comes in handy. Manson receives hundreds of emails each week from readers asking him for advice about love, and telling them about the problems he is facing in his relationship. Manson answers them every time: “Take the message you sent me, print it and give it to your partner. Then we talked again. "

If there is something that bothers you in a relationship, you need to be able to tell your partner directly. This is how you build trust and privacy.

5. A healthy and happy relationship involves two healthy and happy individuals

The key is for both partners in a relationship to have their own identity, interests and perspectives. Trying to control your partner or subdue him, to make you happy or even to make him happy, will end in failure. It will destroy everyone's identities and make you feel terrible and unhappy. Instead, it is best to take your happiness into your own hands. "Never give up what you are, for the person you live with. Sooner or later everything will turn against you and make you both unhappy. Dare to be who you really are and allow your partner to be himself. After all, these are the two people who initially fell in love! ”

6. Give each other space

One of the most popular themes in Manson's answers is the importance of personal space in a relationship. It can be, for example, separate credit cards, different friends and hobbies, separate vacations, separate bathrooms or bedrooms. Many people are afraid to give their partner too much space, for fear that he will not want to be with them. But beware, the desire to control someone else is a form of disrespect. By control, you don't allow your partner to really be himself.

7. Accept and embrace the changes

Another theme that appears repeatedly in Manson's answers is that people change over time. In the most successful relationships, the partners understand the change and accept it. Some of the longest-lived and most successful relationships in Manson's study group have managed to survive and even evolve, going through extremely difficult changes: changing religion, moving to another country, the death of family members, including children, political beliefs, changing sexual orientation and in some cases even changing sex.

These relationships have continued to survive, because the respect between the two partners means that both can adapt and allow each other to flourish and evolve. It's not easy, and that's why you have to know how to fight for the relationship you are in, if you really want to move on.

8. Perfect yourself in the art of quarrels

John Gottman, one of the leading psychologists and researchers who has been examining married couples for over 30 years, has tried to understand why couples stay together and why they separate. Even Manson says that Gottman dominates this field of understanding the reasons why people stay together.

One of Gottman's conclusions reflects Manson's findings: contrary to all beliefs, couples who know how to quarrel stay together.

It is clear that people will often diverge during a relationship. It is equally true, however, that those couples who can successfully deal with conflict are those whose relationships will evolve. There are ugly ways to quarrel in a relationship, but there are also constructive ways.

In the chapter on destructive quarrel, we include:

- criticism of the character of the partner;

- approaching a defensive attitude and placing the blame on the partner's shoulders;

- contemptuous attitude towards the partner;

- threats to withdraw from the quarrel or ignore the partner.

Here are some tips for a constructive argument:

- Never insult or offend the person next to you.

- It does not bring the previous quarrels in the current discussion.

- If things go crazy, take a break.

- Remember that you do not always have to be right, but it is important that both of you feel respected.

After all, a "healthy" and constructive quarrel means having enough respect to want to understand the other person's point of view and figure out where you think the same way and where you have conflicting opinions. You don't have to think the same way, but you have to follow your partner's thinking.

9. Perfect yourself in the art of forgiveness

If you need to get into an argument to resolve a conflict, you need to become more and more forgiving. This way you will be able to make the fight a productive part of a relationship, one that will help you rekindle love as you go through the adventure of a lifetime.

Choose carefully the quarrels in which you launch. Some things matter and you deserve to be upset because of them, but most of the things we argue about in general are not worth it! If you argue for the little things, you will find yourself arguing non-stop. Little things happen every day, every day, and in time it affects the relationship. Like the Chinese drop, insignificant in the short term, but destructive in the long run. Think about whether the reason is worth it or not and whether it makes sense to underestimate the relationship out of nowhere.

10. S*x matters. Very much.

This point has been reiterated many times in Manson's responses. Regardless of the type of s*x, it is crucial that each partner in the relationship feels sexually satisfied. Satisfaction can come from new experiences, fantasies or constant frequency. No matter what each couple wants, it is clear that each individual will need to feel constantly sexually satisfied.

S*x is not just about having a healthy relationship. It can also be used to heal a relationship. When things get tough, some couples resort to the sex method every day for a week, a method that has been shown to have beneficial effects on regaining intimacy.