10 Little Reminders

I'm not always the best at appreciating myself. Right now, the effort is particularly heinous and exhausting. As I wait for a paycheck to cover the cost of an uninsured refill of brain medications, prescribed by a doctor I've never seen, but who's a friend of a friend, I think about how I'm a fortunate son-of-a-bitch. Sure, things are shit aren't great right now, but I could be off my meds entirely. I could still be addicted to opiates. I could still be homeless. I could still lack community, care, a sense of self, or confidence in my ever-shifting identity. But I don't. I've recovered enough to have built these things up in my life. With them, comes strength.

And so, I write today, with fire in my heart and tears in my eyes, a list of things that I deeply appreciate about myself. Some are simple, some are not, but all make up an integral part of me. And for that, I am thankful.

1. I fucking care.

It's been a curse my whole life. I care too damn much. About everything. I've done some work to ease my overthinking when it matters the least, like when someone doesn't like me or I say something kinda dumb, but I've never been able to shut off the part of my brain that says, "This is a grave injustice. I/we/you must do better." I can't learn that something is wrong and continue to do it. I can't see a flawed social structure and not critique it. I can't watch a microaggression occur and not address it. I just fucking care! I care about you, I care about us, the Earth and humanity, the flora and the fauna. I would drag every ass to hell myself if it would just teach us to be better people. Fortunately, the work of unlearning and educating others doesn't require a trip down the River Styx; it often just means having some tough conversations. I care enough to have them.

2. I don't fucking care.

There is not a lick of concern for societal norms in this brain. Not a fuck to be found. Being in this process of unlearning whiteness has taught me so much about the binds we place on ourselves and others to maintain privilege, cultural hegemony, and power. This has resulted in a lack of concern for the expectations of professionalism, politeness, and proper fucking grammar. I may use these things from time to time, but never at the expense of rocking the white supremacist boat we're living in. Tipsy shit.

3. I see connections and can frame them within a larger context, recognizing patterns and big pictures.

I've always seen these things, even if I couldn't quite explain them in words, or didn't know what I was looking at. The grief this has caused me throughout my life has been immense, but the knowledge I've gained to understand what I was seeing is priceless. I wouldn't change this brain for anything.

4. I'm so good with kids.

I found this out after many years of loudly and proudly declaring I would never have any or work with them. Now? I fucking love it.

5. I love so much.

My partner and I may be married (for looks, not books), but we're polyamorous through and through. We love to share, I guess you could say. We just care deeply for so many others, and value intimacy in many forms. We give each other space and time to navigate our growth, changes, relations, and tides. It's beautiful, affirming, and so full of love and understanding.

6. I'm bipolar and neurodiverse in ways I'm still learning.

No real need to put a label on it all, but I really appreciate what I've learned and how I've grown from the challenges my brain has presented while living in this strange world.

7. Resilience seems to define me.

Like most humans, I don't go down unless I'm swinging... And I always get back up. This will be the cycle until I'm dead.

8. I've been lost.

I guess knowing nothing is a good way to learn something about yourself.

9. I made time.

Solo, single, available... Whatever you wanna call it, I did it intentionally for five years. Paired with some intensive CBT, ACT, and DBT treatments, I came out of that time more than willing to be alive and abundantly informed on how to love myself and others.

10. I strive for self-improvement daily.

I understand this "self" as community, as we are all so intrinsically linked. I am not if we aren't. I care best with the love and support of my community. I need them and they need me. It's healing.

Thanks for sticking with me. That wasn't so bad after all.