Where All The Things Meet

Deep into the part of the forest where no rationally intelligent man or woman would ever go. Far beyond the most distant trees the eyes could see – there lived a man. Lionel Warstar was the only name I ever heard him called. If you were asking me – and only if you were asking – I’d tell you his name was Demon, Satan, Terror. For some who walk the earth the mere fact of their birth was a punishment. Not just to them but us all. 

I was never supposed to go there.

We…we were never supposed to go there. 

Before I can tell you about Lionel Warstar I have to get you to understand how I met him in the first place. It started in a whole other hell-hole: New York City.

May was approaching and the world was still on lockdown. Covid-19 was sweeping through Earth like wildfire. If you didn’t know about it – God help you. And if you did, you were probably going crazy trying to help yourself. New York was considered ground zero. 

I had no intention of sticking around to see it though – no matter how poetic it felt. My friend Avery has an uncle in Tennessee - Uncle Hank. Uncle Hank owned some property out in the sticks. Seemed like a pretty good place to set up camp while the nation stocked up on guns and toilet paper. Only problem is – where the fuck is Avery? 

Avery was an aspiring chef, a damn good one too. I used to pretend to need help with my homework just to have an excuse to be at his apartment when the sun went down and the stove turned on. Pretty bad right? Oh well, I paid him back in weed from time to time. 

I went by his apartment around noon. The streets were practically empty - the only good thing about coronavirus so far. Avery’s car was outside but he wasn’t answering the phone. I called him four times on the way over here. No answer. I’d been standing outside his door knocking for the better part of ten minutes with no response. 

Just as I thought to give up on Avery and assume the rona got him — CLICK! Open sesame. 

I let myself in and shut the door behind me with a bit of frustration. 

“Bout fuckin time dude.” I let out before turning to see Avery covered head to toe in a blue New York Football Giants sweat suit, beanie, and gloves.

He wore this dorky-looking sports training mask with a vent on it. Not that he ever used it. He only weighed about 250lbs. 100% body fat. 

“Dude, why aren’t you locked down and where’s your mask?” Avery asks before muting the Governor’s address playing from the mounted flat screen in the living room. 

“What, you mean this stupid paper tampon thing?” I tell him as I pull the blue crumpled up surgical mask from my back pocket. “I only brought this thing out here in case I got stopped by the cops. What are you doing in here? Why haven’t you answered my calls? I’ve been blowing you up.” 

“I’ve been preserving my battery life as a matter of fact. That grid can go any day now and I don’t wanna be stuck in this apartment with no communication with the outside world.” He explains. 

I make my way over to his fridge - his generous fridge that I’d come to love looting over the years. 

“Maybe you haven’t noticed but the world isn’t really in a social mood.” As I reach inside for a cold Miller Lite. 

“No chance!” He barks as he smacks my hand and takes the beer back. “I’ve rationed all my provisions down to the last pistachio. I got enough in here to keep me alive for the next nine weeks and I didn’t consider you, Tanner, sorry but not sorry.” 

He puts the bottle back and closes the door.

“You rationed out your what? Provisions? What are we in biblical times?” I laugh and take a seat at the dining table. 

“Some would say we are. God could be plaguing the earth again like he did in Egypt or Sodom. My abuelita’s been sending group texts out to pray every thirty minutes.” Avery comes over to the table and pulls a chair out about five feet before sitting in it. “How much bad shit have we done in our life Tanner? You sure you’re ready to meet the big guy and face that judgement?” 

“I’m a lawyer. I’m sure I can talk my way out of it.” Sarcastically I lean back in my chair. 

“You’re an undergrad. You haven’t even started law school yet and your internship was just canceled.” He tells me. 

“Well…God’s supposed to be the most forgiving judge isn’t he? It can’t be that hard to be forgiven.” I joke. 

“I’m going to hell. I touched Heidi Riaz’s boobs freshman year after she passed out drunk at Nick Carmichael’s party. I know I probably should’ve felt bad but it was nice. First pair I’d ever seen. I’m so stupid bro.” Avery slams his face into his palms and moans. 

“Yeah good luck with that one. I don’t think God forgives sexual assault. It’s like one of the Ten Commandments or something.” I gloat causing Avery to bring his head up and pass me a “really?” stare.

“You touched her boobs too. You told me to do it. You said she wouldn’t mind.” He says. 

I think to myself for brief moment. 

“Nope. No I don’t remember that at all.” I tell him shaking my head. 

“Whatever.” Avery gives in.

“You like the Bible - or at least your abuelita does. What if God is sending us a message? Or he sent me a message to deliver to you.” 

“What, you think God gave you a message to give to me? Tanner, up until six months ago you thought the phrase “to infinity and beyond” was Jesus’ last words.” 

“Hey you never know what Disney knew.” I say.

“What does that even mean?” Avery asks confused. 

“It means, I refuse to sit around in this rat infested sick town which God clearly wants nothing to do with, and wait for Nazi’s to come force a deadly vaccine into my ball-sack. It means that maybe we should do what God-fearing people did whenever he sent those plagues and get outta dodge.” I explain. 

“Get out?” Avery responds. “And go where? Everywhere is shutdown. It’s a pandemic you detached idiot. It’ll be the same as here no matter where we go.” 

“Not in Tennessee it wont. Not in Good Ol’ Merica!” I say. 

Avery scoffs and shakes his head. 

“You’re unfucking believable you know that? You wanna go to my uncle’s place in Tennessee to hide? My uncle has been waiting for the end of the world for last twenty years.” He says.

“All the more reason to go!” I say. 

“How..What.. Tanner, you’re crazy. My uncle practically lives in the middle of a forest. Whatever food and supplies were in that bullshit town are long gone by now.”

“Well you got enough food here to last you three months.” I say. 

“Yeah, for me!” 

“And I have twenty-thousand dollars in a shoebox sitting in my minivan outside. With a quarter pound of weed in the glovebox. Not bragging or anything.” I tell him. 

“Where’d you get twenty-thousand dollars?” He asks. 

“I save my pennies.” 

“Bullshit. You’ve never saved anything in your life. If you had a nickel you’d play the slots.” Says Avery. 

“Jeez you and the insults today. I borrowed it, okay? From Nathan.” 

“Nathan? Your weed dealer roommate with a gun.” Avery says. “You stole–

“I didn’t steal it. Technically he gave it to me.” I say in my defense. 

“Technically?” Avery asks. 

“Yeah. Technically. A couple months ago an angry girl came by looking for him and the female companion he’d been shacking up with. You know the one I told you about with the big— 

“Yeah. Go on.” 

“Well this girl asked if he was around. I told her no and she left. But Nathan was around. He was hiding in my room with his female companion. He came out he dabbed me up, put a joint in my hand, and said “if there’s anything you need I got you.” 

“So?” Avery asks. 

“So — I needed twenty-thousand dollars and Nathan hasn’t been home in almost five days. So he’s either in jail or the rona got him but he won't miss it” I go on.

“You’re crazy.” Avery says. “I’m best friends with a crazy person.” 

“Come on. You can judge me on the way to gas station. I mean, what the fuck else are you gonna do? When else will we have the chance to skip town and have no one looking for us? Huh?”

“People will look for me. I have family here. Co-workers.” He tells me. 

“Well…your uncle’s family. And right now I bet you he has no one. How many prayers do you think he’s sent up for help. You could be his archdiocese.” 

“Arch Angel. Arch. Angel!” He corrects me.

“Either way, maybe it’s the last good deed that’ll get those pearly gates to open for you. I mean, all boobs considered.”

I make my way back to the fridge and pull two beers out. Avery stands in front of his window staring at the empty park across the street.

“I’m willing to bet your poor Uncle Hank is all alone down there in the woods surrounded by a bunch of butch bartenders and neo-Nazis just waiting for another civil war to pop off. Don’t you think someone should at least go down there to check on him? Bring him a bible?” I hand Avery a beer which he accepts before turning and coming to the table.  

“My mother always said Uncle Hank was her biggest worry in life.” Avery starts. “They’re only eleven months apart.” 

“So she would want someone to give her a status report on his well-being don’t ya think?” I continue my pitch. 

“Look, if we go down there, we’re staying max two days. We check on my uncle, gas back up, head back to New York. I’m not letting you get me into a situation where I get killed by a neo- Nazi or worse... arrested and have to sit in a Covid cell.” He tells me. 

“Two days. Perfect.” I clap my hands with a grin. 

“And please tell me you have more money for gas because I’m not using a dime of Nathan’s money.” Avery says. 

“Of course I do – come on. I just brought that for – just in case ya know. Maybe the economy collapses and that’s all we have.” I say.

“If the economy collapses the money’s not worth anything, Tanner.” 

I scoff and sip the beer.

“Right.” 

Avery shakes his head and stands up after setting the beer down on the table. He goes over to the coffee table in the living room and picks up a small black notebook and begins scribbling something inside. 

“What are you leaving a note in case we don’t come back?” I ask. 

“I’m scratching two Miller Lites out of my inventory actually. Which I now have to find time to replace to make this estimate work.” He says. 

“Christ, I can buy you another damn case of beers. When did you move to Tel Aviv and not tell me?” I say with a sarcastic shaking head. 

We packed up the provisions and locked up Avery’s apartment. He called his sweet abuelita and told her he was going to do God’s work in Tennessee. He told her he’d be back in a couple days and not to worry because the Arch Angel Michael would be with him.   

He uh...He’d look out for him. 

Sorry. Anyway. That's when we left New York.

Am I going too fast for you?