Tile

For EAP

Those cheap bastards in maintenance are trying to fool me. I hate to think they’re doing it intentionally. The tile I saw above my desk, the one that had a cockeyed smiley face in it like my son used to draw, is in the cafeteria now. I asked them to remove it from above my desk, it would be the humane thing to do, but instead of tossing it out or destroying it, they moved it just to save a buck.

The cafeteria ceiling is too high to be sure. I could feel the tile more than I could see it, but there was a tile in there that was discolored by a water stain and now it’s gone. I asked maintenance to change that tile out with a new one and they refused, but after I talked to HR I was told they would “make that accommodation.”

I wanted to watch them take the tile down and toss it out, to be sure it was gone, but they wouldn’t let me, saying it was disruptive and unnecessary.

I know they’re talking about me. My supervisor was in the HR office for over an hour last week. After that, things were so normal, so mind-stabbingly mundane, it could only be that they were told to be nice to me, to behave normally in hope that I would settle down and to prove that I was the problem.

But I’m not. They’re toying with me. A few days later, my supervisor and I were in his boss’s office, talking to the Regional Manager on speakerphone. That’s when I saw it. On the back right tile in the office, close to the window, that telltale smile.

It dawned on me that this was all a ruse. The Regional Manager hadn’t said anything relevant, nothing new or important, nothing that hadn’t been in a memo or email. And my boss and his boss were simply yes-men (a yes-man and woman, technically) nodding and stroking the big boss’s ego while baring their own throats and bellies to him in routine self-deprecation as they waited to pick the carrion bones of those above and around them when they inevitably failed. That was nothing new. What was new was the way they were looking at me. This was a test. Or a gaslight.

Boss’s boss looked at me with her flat unreadable expression and spoke with her flatter tone that had just the right blend of edge, coolness, and practiced warmth.

“Steven, what do you think about that?”

I gambled. 50/50 chance, as there was no chance they’d said anything deep or substantial that required thought or a real response.

“I think that’s fine.”

She pinched her lips together even thinner than they normally are and brought up the corners of her bloodless mouth almost imperceptibly to create her version of a polite smile.

“Excellent.”

I continued looking at the corner of the ceiling, at the tile for the remainder of the phone conference. A few times they looked at me and followed my gaze. When the meeting was over, my boss and I got up to leave. Boss’s boss cleared her throat.

“Steven, please stay a moment. Close the door.” I did. “You seemed distracted by something on the ceiling.”

I knew it was a trap. The whole thing was a trap.

“No, no. Just listening closely. Speakerphones always sound terrible.”

She smiled, close to a genuine smile.

“All right, just making sure. Have a good day.”

The next day maintenance was in the tech support wing. The day after that they were in Sales. They’ve worked on the building’s ceiling tiles every day this week.

They’re taunting me, trying to break me.

There are 5000 ceiling tiles in this building, on this floor.

I know they want me to look for it, but never find it.

Tomorrow night I’ll stay late. I’ll go through the building and check them all.

They won’t break me. I’ll win.