The Vampire's Guide to Investing

Too many fresh kindred forget that being turned is just the beginning. They usually have no long-range plans beyond “serve the sire until he gets bored of you and then figure it out”; these neonates either get themselves killed serving their sire or become a meal for one of their elders. Therefore, these neonates need to create some sort of investment plan for their futures. Such a plan is not hard to set up.

However, some such as the former harpy Vortimer, believe that they are too clever to need such a plan. For those wiser than Vortimer and willing to suffer through my counsel, here are some tips to remember.

1) You will lose. That’s fine.

The simple reality of investing is that you will lose at least 95% of the time, but that’s acceptable because that 5% is all you need to succeed. The corollary to this is that any effort to ensure success beyond what is needed is good for business: Market it, hire good people, make you have a good location, fine; that’s what you need to do as a good business owner, but if you can sell it, hire great people, and put it in a great location even better. Just remember that while you are planning on mostly losses, if you are spending too much on it then let it go.

That is, decide how much you are willing to lose and don’t spend a dime more than that or the investment may create additional problems.

Vortimer was turned as a 1960s Hollywood producer. He tended to finance movies he thought would be successful; epic westerns, band movies, and musicals. In essence, movies that had proven successful or had a built-in audience. However, when trends changed, he didn’t change with them. As he refused to adapt to the times, his movies were soon ignored by audiences and called “boring” by critics.

I decided to try my hand at movie production and focused on art house movies, science fiction, and spaghetti westerns. Sure, a lot of the movies left craters, but the few that didn’t end up became classics with huge box offices and critical prestige. Vortimer did not like my success and threatened me a couple of times. I just smiled at him, but I quickly bored of celebrity attitudes and returned to my other investments.

The celebrities had a monumental arrogance that would do the immortals proud. I decided to leave them to Vortimer.

2) Bet on technology.

New technologies are a huge gamble. Sometimes they can turn out to be incredible investments, but most will never get past the invention stage and others will face problems one couldn’t see at the beginning, such as certain pesticides. However, when they succeed they succeed gloriously and some minor discoveries lead to some very nice returns down the road. As such I always invest in tech stocks; again, don’t be afraid to fail because success is worth it.

Vortimer thought books would never be supplanted by audio. Television was just radio on a more expensive receiver. He liked music, so he did invest in the talkies. While he did meet with some success (he’s not a complete moron), that success is hardly noteworthy. His jealousy over my success did result in assassins being sent my way every couple of years, but such is the cost of doing business.

He now has a team of investors doing the investing for him. He still sends out the assassins, but it feels like his heart just isn’t in it.

3) Real estate is a multi-level investment.

Something that most real estate investors forget about: You need to maintain the properties, and that includes security. But there are ways to pass those costs on to someone else, and that is where tenants come in.

When it comes to kindred sleeping habits, you can divide the species into four types: campers, homesteaders, tenants, and owners. Campers simply sleep wherever they are when the sin rises; some have abilities to sink into the ground, some have modified their vehicles, and others just hope they can get to some sort of shelter from the sun. Owners are the other extreme as they actually own their homes and other property; we don’t need to find a place to hide.

Homesteaders take advantage of free property in the woods; it’s sort of a bad idea considering it is where the shifters tend to be, but it does allow them to build up their security, hide from enemies, and build up networks. While I could never be a homesteader (I love my creature comforts far too much), they are a step above campers as they have a dependable haven. They just have a problem finding meals.

Tenants, however, are optimal. Campers are good for quick fixes but can create problems in the long run. Homesteaders are good for breaking the property in and getting it going, but they want to own their own land someday. Owners are just out of the question for obvious reasons. However, tenants are always looking for a place to sleep and a house someone else owns means they don’t have to deal with the big problems. From a practical standpoint, they maintain the place while providing security while paying me for the privilege. I can also get some of the more ambitious to make improvements. Even if I don’t sell the property I eventually make money from it.

A friend of mine had a nice Victorian; not only was it near a number of bars but it also had a nice view. Nice house, nice view, good hunting grounds: Vortimer of course had to have it. So he killed my friend with a stake in the dark. Vortimer then took over possession. But he forgot to actually buy the home; its inheritors put it on the market and it was sold before he even noticed. He was forced out. He ended up drinking the inheritors, but he still lost the house.

It makes a nice summer home. Trust me.

4) Farm small businesses.

Everyone buys stock in medium and big businesses; that’s fine and it makes a lot of sense. However, most people don’t ask two little questions: “Where did those businesses come from?” and “How can I invest in one before it became big?”

Easy: You invest in small businesses and help them become those medium and big businesses. Since I’m not so interested in local politics, I tend to rub elbows with a lot of up-and-coming business leaders as well as those who need a little extra financial help. I also finance a lot of intelligent young college graduates, as well as a number of other businesses.

Sure, only a few acorns germinate and even fewer grow into trees, but oak trees are glorious when they finally start spreading their branches, and when those leaves fall down they are golden. Like I said: Expect to fail, but expect to succeed as well. My foundation is very busy and very profitable.

But not all businesses are handled by a foundation and a good businessman is all about diversification. Some of my properties are homeless shelters and are in the poorer parts of town, making them good hunting grounds on their own. Some of those homeless shelters are solely for campers; they will head to any shelter when the sun is rising and they are willing to repay any kindness done. In exchange for access to shelter and food, they do some errands for me. I have also been able to get them into some of the businesses I have supported over the years.

Some businesses work well as loss leaders, enabling other businesses to succeed.

Some of those campers are very effective unwelcome customers who can be used to affect the investment value of businesses and property. Totally coincidentally, Vortimer’s investments have been decreasing in value for the last few years due to these unwelcome customers. Also, his companies have been experiencing problems from some of their vendors, such as late or missing shipments, late-night robberies, and other minor nuisances.

Again, totally coincidentally.

5) Follow your intuition.

While some of us do have access to supernatural foreknowledge, everyone has intuition. This is the sum of our knowledge, reasoning, and experience operating at a subconscious level. It can be trained, and those of us who use it on a regular basis gain a valuable tool, giving us warnings as well as guidance. However, not all of us listen to it.

Such as Vortimer.

He should have researched the status of the house. Vortimer had been able to suggest to my friend’s roommates that they should accept him as part of the house with no problem, so they were able to continue maintaining the property while Vortimer slept there. While he slept, the new owner met the other roommates, changed the security codes and ensured that Vortimer got them, and then left.

The other roommates received an invitation to a concert followed by a dinner at an expensive restaurant, all paid for.

The event was during the day.

They all accepted.

The new owner then looked up the local vampire hunters, the ones hired and trained by the Inquisition. He delivered a note (including the passcodes) to them and was told when the roommates would be gone. They eliminated the vampire they found inside, and when the roommates returned they found another vampire in place who quickly had them accepting her as if she had been there before they had even moved in.

If he had done some checking, he would have quickly found that I was the owner. His intuition had been ignored, no doubt ignored because such details as who owned the house were below him.

Ignoring his intuition had cost him in the end.

For those curious, those rules again are:

1) You will lose. That’s fine.

2) Bet on technology.

3) Real estate is a multi-level investment.

4) Farm small businesses.

5) Follow your intuition.

Remember those and your investing should be a lot easier, ensuring that you should have a decent unlife.