The Real Catch

Niccolo Vincenzo D’Napoli had recently arrived in New York City to start a new chapter of life in the United States. Nicco was a tall, dark sicilian man in his early twenties with chiseled features and shiny thick dark locks. He was the kind of guy who rarely struggled to talk to women and had the notches on his bedpost to prove it. A true hot blooded Italian, he was most looking forward to the new dating pool of American women that would surely be waiting for him when he landed in the Big Apple.

If only it was that easy. After about a month of working doubles at the corner pub and walking dogs on his days off, he had barely made rent and was completely intimidated by the women. Where Nicco was from, the opposite sex was warm and friendly and could be found at garden parties or gathered at a local gelato parlor. To Nicco, the women in New York seemed like they were in a hurry; overworked and gathered at intense spin classes or in front of a bottle of whiskey. Feeling helpless, he was in over his head in more ways than one and decided he needed a day off to explore the city and reset. He needed to try to find what had drawn him here.

A friend suggested that he tag along that weekend for the famous Coney Island Mermaid Parade and enter the annual Big Catch Fishing Competition in Brooklyn, which had a grand prize of $20,000. He was promised there would be great food, scores of women and more beer than Nicco could stomach. He thought about it and he already knew that he had a real chance at winning the competition with his new friends. He was an expert fisherman, having spent many days and nights on his family boat in the meditteranean catching “pesce grosso,” or “big fish.” He could really use that money now too.

However, the biggest draw was thousands of women dressed as mermaids. What his new friends didn’t know is that the sea was also the first place Nicco had ever fantasized about a woman… sort of. One morning he could have sworn he saw a topless mermaid basking on a rock in the distance, while on the sunny blue coastline of Malta. Nicco watched quietly as her skin met the sea air, pink hair flowing in the wind and he felt things that were completely new and different. He had never forgotten that mermaid vision and used the image over and over again to get through many nights with random women back in Italy. In fact, the thought of it began to arouse him again, so he quickly pushed it out of his brain and agreed to the expedition.

“I’ll be there, let's meet at the F train at 7AM so we can get in early!” said Nicco.

….

The day of the competition felt surreal. Nicco had never seen anything like Coney Island back in Sicily. To be honest, he expected it to be cleaner but the gritty party atmosphere proved to be a perfect backdrop for his first day off in New York. The sun was beating hot and both the fisherman and mermaids flocked to the boardward for games, rides and dancing. Nicco found himself surveying the crowd and nearly fell over when he saw her in the distance. He blinked twice as he saw pink winded beach hair, sun kissed skin and a long flowing green skirt dragging in the sand.

“Holy shit.” Nicco said to his new friend Dan, their boat captain for the competition.

“Dude, no. She is an Upper East Side princess disguised as a mermaid. Look at her feet, crystal sandals from Fifth Avenue, no doubt” said Dan as he turned to head to the boat. “And we have to focus!” he yelled back.

Nicco watched her for a few seconds more, feeling something stir inside of him and he knew he had to have her. “I’ll win the competition,” he thought to himself. “It's the perfect ice breaker and then I can actually afford to buy her a beer.”

He turned on his heel and followed Dan to the boat and immediately started directing his crew on the perfect strategy as they headed out to sea. They departed from shore and he tipped his beer toward the mysterious pink haired woman who was still on the beach, whispering to himself “that's the real catch, right there.”

After hours of yelling, reeling, struggling and lots of drinking, the men returned from their trip with a 500lb prize winning tuna. It had taken all five of them to pull it to the boat and secure it, leaving two of the men with minor injuries but $20,000 richer. They posed with their giant check and the crowd went wild as they unloaded the massive beast onto the beach. Two of the guys planned to take a vacation and two were going to invest in stocks. Nicco was at a loss for what he wanted to splurge on just yet and decided he would mull it over before making any hasty decisions.

Knowing that step one of his master plan was finally complete, Nicco desperately began searching the beach for his pink hair fantasy. He was surprised at himself for how urgently he felt he needed to talk to her, but took into account that he had been drinking and gave himself some grace as he panned through the crowd. After what felt like two panicked hours, he finally saw her across a parking lot at a food cart. She was engrossed in a hand full of blue cotton candy that looked bright against her hair; a vision of pearly colors in a haze of sand and sun. Nicco stopped at a beer cart, grabbed two Coors Lights and started toward her; heart beating out of his chest.

“Ciao bello!” he exclaimed as he pushed the beer toward his mystery woman.

The woman looked up from her cotton candy with a weird look on her face that Nicco didn’t recognize. “Ciao what?” she said.

“Ciao bello!” said Nicco again. “It means, hello beautiful! and I brought you a beer!”

Before Nicco could get another word out, she held her hand up toward his face to shush him. A feeling of dread and humiliation sunk in as she gave a proper schooling on feminism and why it’s inappropriate to offer an open drink to a woman. After so many years of fantasising about this exact moment so many times, Nicco couldn’t believe his luck. He got shot down for the first time in his life. Wow.

He had never experienced this feeling before and began to obsess over it. No one had ever told him what to do if he was turned down. No one had ever expected him to be turned down. He thought he should write about it so he could get it out of his head and onto paper, that had always made him feel better in the past. He also had a few hours to kill at the beach now that his afternoon plans had abruptly changed for the worse. Nearby, Nicco found a beach shop and much to his relief, there was a wall of beautiful leather bound notebooks to the right of the register. He selected a small black Moleskine, grabbed a pen and headed down to sit by the water. He felt like this was the perfect first splurge from his winnings.

With his journal in hand, Nicco began to reflect on his feelings. He let his emotions pour onto the page, feeling more embarrassed and enraged as he recounted his day. Suddenly, he heard a noise and looked up. He saw her again in the distance with some girlfriends and he thought to himself that it was the most beautiful laugh he had ever heard. He felt his heart melt as he became fixated again and began to sketch and write poetry about this mystery woman that would forever hold a place in his heart. He pounded back a few more beers and passed out in the sand under the docks.

….

Later on at some point, Nicco woke up in his apartment with no memory of how he had gotten there. After checking his phone, he realized a few days had passed and became more confused. He definitely remembered falling asleep at the beach, but how had he gotten himself home? Maybe it was a mix of dehydration and a drunken stupor. He saw his phone sitting on the coffee table and decided he better start calling his friends and places of work to do damage control. Dan was the only person to pick up the phone.

“Hey man, did you get that fish tank delivered okay?” said Dan from the other end of his i-phone.

“Fish tank?” said Nicco.

“Yea, you bought it with your prize money! I thought they delivered it yesterday. For $3,000, it better be a beauty.”

Nicco looked around the room again and could not figure out what Dan was talking about. He then noticed the little black Moleskin notebook sitting on the table and had a sinking feeling. “Oh yea, the fish tank! It’s great man. Let me give you a call back later, I think my boss is on the other line. Ciao!” clambered Nicco as he hung up.

He walked over and opened the book, thumbing through the pages. His eyes grew wide as he watched his thoughts become more obsessive and deranged as the pages went on. He had filled the entire notebook with drawings and musings about the pink haired girl on the beach. The drunker and drunker he got, the darker and darker the images became. Then he saw it, the last page. A plan.

Jumping to his feet, Nicco ran down to the basement. It was a private space but had only really been big enough for storage. His eyes shot ahead in horror as her pink hair floated at the top of the giant tank of salt water, a green skirt trailing behind, eyes sunken back in her head. In the corner of his eye, he caught a glimpse of the supplies that were used to embalm her body; once sunkissed skin now greyed and dull.

Nicco felt urine run down his leg as he went limp and fell to the floor. He looked down at his hands and arms, scratched and bruised, and then back up at the tank. His face slowly turned from shock to calm and then to a nervous smile as he looked around the room one more time to make sure he was alone. Slowly and softly, Nicco unbuttoned his pants as he slid a tear filled hand over his hardening body, muttering “oh my beautiful mermaid.”

Epilogue...

Thanks to good old captain Dan, the following week Nicco was arrested for being a psycho killer pervert and spent the rest of his life in Rikers Island maximum security prison. His new boyfriend ironically refers to him as Ariel.

The End.