The Last Day

“Hey love, what’s the door code? For the Airbnb?”

Sebastian didn’t respond. Collar turned against the rain, he grabbed his bags from the car. Her bags remained untouched. Not good, she thought. Water filled her tennis shoes as she slung the mess of straps around her. Maybe he’s tired... maybe it’s just later than he thought…

Melody and Sebastian had been a rather sudden development. One of the many pandemic relationships intensified by isolation. She had been proud of herself for finding him: He was a good-hearted loner, like her. He wrote love letters and made deep, contented sighs when she hugged him. Yet more and more often, Melody discovered that Sebastian turned to stone against her hugs and it seemed that those impassioned letters had all but dried up into contentious silence.

“Don’t put that there.”

Sebastian already had the strap of her duffel bag; dragging it away from his backpack.

Their Airbnb was a little one-bedroom cabin, just close enough to the coastline to claim an ocean view as its main selling point. A modest quilt covered the double bed, doilies papered any potential mug location and anything that could be carved was: lamps, table legs, dresser trim...

The shower sputtered on in the next room as Melody’s head populated with little voices, all attempting to soothe the tightness in her chest.

It’s OK. We’re OK. No... we’re not. I wouldn’t want anyone I care about to be treated like this… Why am I OK with being treated like this? But how is he treating us, exactly? He’s mean; he’s dismissive and distant. Why am I so scared of his mood? Should I not be? I know how much he loves me, he’s told me how much. It doesn’t match. It doesn’t matter what he said. I need to talk to him... But haven’t we been through this? What didn’t I explain well enough? You’re going to cause a fight, Melody. But I can’t just sit in this. What do I want from this? I don’t want anything. How do I get out? Do I want to get out? What do I want besides this?

A stronger voice joined the fray. A resolute one - We’re too tired for this. Protect your peace tonight. Rest. This can be tomorrow’s problem.

“Tomorrow’s problem... Yeah, that’s what it is.”

Realizing that she could only hear rain, Melody quickly peeled off her leggings and slipped into bed. We can skip teeth and skincare for one night, she thought numbly. Anything to close the chapter on this day, this week, this last year...

And just like that, it was morning.

Melody hadn’t slept that hard in a while. Sebastian needed a full night sleep to function and she’d learned to be wary of the space she took up at night. Tired Sebastian meant unhappy Sebastian, and besides her simple desire to see him happy, tired Sebastian also meant that angry Sebastian was soon to follow. One night he left the bed fuming because she had tried to have a heart-to-heart too close to when he was falling asleep: “See! This is why I get frustrated,” he snapped. “You don’t let me sleep. Now I have to call out from my morning phone meeting. Again. I NEED to sleep and you keep crossing this boundary. It’s like you can’t help yourself.”

Melody’s voice came out small, “I thought since it’s still early… I didn’t realize we were going to bed… I’m sorry.”

She had always been a conflict-avoidant person and these moments of unexpected anger struck Melody with absolute horror. One that taught her what to fear but not exactly how to avoid it, and asking him more about the boundary only irritated him further. She came to learn that just about anything could be a sin against Sebastian’s sleep.

Pushing back the quilted blanket, Melody blinked against the morning light. What should have been a sleeping mound next to her was a flat, neatly made bedspread.

He’s up before me? That’s a first…

Even as she thought it, a small voice piped up from the back of her head. He wouldn’t make his half of the bed like that... I don’t think he was ever next to us. Heavy sadness pooled into her heart and her nerves began to buzz with worse-case-scenarios. His bags? Not there. Fear crashed against her stomach lining. She checked the car outside.

Gone.

Maybe he went to find a laundromat, a practical voice soothed. He usually prefers to bring everything with him and sort through his stuff there. He also preferred she do that too since he found it frustrating and impractical for her to do so at the car. Her car. The thought brought a surge of anger to the forefront of her mental chorus. He can’t just take it. I wouldn’t be allowed to do that with his SUV. This guy is shit. I’m shit for putting myself in this position. We don’t need to travel this hard. I don’t need it. Why did I agree to this?

He’s learning a lot of new things, a sadness in her mumbled. But is he? Sebastian had confided his unbearable childhood in the beginning of their relationship. When Melody was feeling at her most hopeful, she would tell herself that someone just needed to show him what a healthy, safe relationship could really be like.

You think you’re the first woman to have this thought? The deeper knowing struck her in the gut. No. No I’m not…

We’re going to take a break now, the resolute voice rang out, silencing the clamor of uneasy thoughts. We can take a few minutes without thinking about Sebastian.

That sounded reasonable and desperately needed. Melody made herself a cup of coffee and found a doily home for it. Sitting in the sunken arm chair, she curled her feet under her and sipped. This is nice, a tired voice sighed. It was nice. Choosing a spot without fearing that she’d messed up or taken something he wanted… The resolute voice watched her patiently. Right, taking a break… Melody sat. She felt the heat of the ceramic mug between her palms and curled her toes against the corduroy upholstery. Intentionally slowing her breath, she felt each inhale light up the ropes in her neck and the nerves in her stomach. What sounds good right now? Not just relief from the fighting, but genuine, actual... good? What would I be doing if I was where I wanted to be?

I’d be free from all this, she admitted. I’d go to a coffee shop and work on my writing. I’d sit in low lights and listen to live music. I’d take my time, dress up, get cozy. I’d have space to be curious. I’d know if and when I had to be somewhere. I’d have the power to choose if I wanted to make plans or not. I’d have my own little place, somewhere near the ocean or the forest… I’d go camping and make a big fire. I’d be sad when I was sad and happy when I was happy and no one would be frustrated with me for being either. I’d see my friends and talk openly about what was on my mind...

A deep sadness pulled at her - I’d be in his arms, it grieved. He’d hold me against his chest, like he did in the beginning. I’d be able to tell him anything. He’d look into my eyes when we talked; those intense, hopeful eyes really seeing me again. He’d ask me questions and have fun answering mine, like we used to. He’d kiss me as if it was the only place he wanted to be. We'd go out on a real date again. He’d be lighter and happier after spending time with me. We’d hold each other at night and comfort the other when one of us was sad. We’d have FUN together. Actual fun. All this traveling would feel like the adventure it was supposed to be and there'd be space for what I wanted too. He wouldn’t insist on cruel humor, he wouldn’t talk to me like a child...

“He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.” She tried the thought out loud and the sound of it overwhelmed her with tears.

You’re going to look crazy if he just went on an errand...

But the nagging voice was the only part of Melody that cared. None of this made sense. Part of had known it for too long, but apathy and stress had made it unbearable to accept. She wanted to throw his love letters at his feet. She wanted to speak without reservation, “This was all nonsense. This deep love that you painted for me? You promised it so I’d twist myself into knots trying to make it real. It was never real. Please, tell me it's not real-”

The padlock beeped rhythmically followed by the groan of the lock. Bags thudded against the floor and Melody felt two large hands squeeze her shoulders. “Hey there, babe.” His eyes scanned away before she could catch them. Sebastian strode to the coffee maker; moving through the parallel universe of a perfectly normal day. Maybe it is a normal day, the little voice whispered. Maybe it can just stay that way...

But the stronger voice, the resolute one, spread over the rationalizing chatter. The voice enveloped her small sadness and her heavy fears, and it spoke in silence and knowing. Melody pulled her feet out from under her and set them onto the woven rug. This is about to be... a very hard day, she thought to herself.