The Imagination Train

Has anybody had a midlife crisis? Kevin Evans did because he saw amazing people die all around him. He worked at an aged care facility, loving his connection with the residents because he felt they all gave insight into the human condition. The problem he started realising, was that everyone does things differently and so finding your path was subjective. Why then do we have self-help experts? Kevin pondered the arrogance and predatory nature of these gurus of the secular capitalistic world and shouted, “I am not just an island; I am a product of my environment!”

Kevin was trying to embrace the environment by living mindfully of the present moment. However, he knew he still lived in the doing world because even things as simple as eating he did not fully embrace, always worrying about the future and therefore creating anxiety. Kevin thought if he could be taken away from his old world, the patterns would stop existing. New world? The Americas were seen as the new world and so I need to the untapped part of America. The only untapped part were certain parts of the Amazon.

Kevin Googled, “Tickets to Brazil from Perth, Australia.”

He found the first possible ticket that was one way and purchased it online with his credit card. It was a one-way ticket because he did not know how long he would need. It was for a month from now and that allowed him to do some research about his journey and hand in his resignation from work.

Time flew quickly – probably due to the extra work sorting his plans, plus he was in dream world of the escape he was about to embark. When Kevin arrived in Rio, he was quick to find his personal tour guide, Carlos. This limited English-speaking man in his 30’s had rugged facial features that gave him faith that he was with a real journey man. Cash in hand was exchanged and Carlos stated that the locals know of my arrival.

The journey was long but luckily Kevin was fully present, taking in the uniqueness of the environment. It was probably due to feeling like that for once he was making his own decision, rather than following recommendations of other people. During the journey Carlos explained that the reason for his Spanish first name was that his mum was Spanish. Apart from that, there were not many memorable conversations.

When they arrived, Kevin could hear chanting. It felt surreal, like he was in an old 70’s documentary. The locals could not speak English but fortunately knew enough of the Amazonian tribe dialect to be of assistance. The evening meal was a communal experience around a campfire. Kevin already felt more alive than ever before. He was ready to sleep but just before was handed a cup of boiling water, however the water smelt unusual. Kevin asked why does they water smell funny? Carlos exchanged words with the man giving the drink and the reason given was boiled frog. This middle-aged Australian felt like he had to take the drink, seeing as they don’t allow many foreigners to their location. He took a sip and already felt drowsy, and in his relaxed state drunk the rest.

Then next morning Kevin woke up to the bright sunshine of dawn. His head was spinning but saw a shimmering light cross over the eye lids. A smile came over his face as he stood up but then felt confused. He was moving but how? He then saw a window. A window? Where did the window come from because he did not remember going back to the old, beaten-up land cruiser of Carlos. He locked up and saw rail tracks – and the feeling of being lost flooded him.

Then as him looked out of the window he saw images of his past. He first saw his mother pregnant, struggling to walk. It made him sad seeing the suffering of his mum and so started crying.

However, as Kevin started crying the imaged changed to him crying as he came out of his mother’s womb. While this was happening, he became blown away at the synchronicity. All he saw was white light and everything felt like a spin out to him.

Suddenly, the tune of Thus Spoke Zarathustra starting belting through the train. It made him look around and saw that the train was empty. He looked out the window again. Toddler Kevin was making his first footsteps and could feel the strain inside his body. It tugged at his heart strings, as he felt the frustration of wanting to prove to his parents that he could walk and then train started swerving around and his current self, fell onto the floor and the pain was excruciating. Again, tears came flooding down his eyes and as he peeped back out the window, he saw the toddler Kevin on his knees crying too! This trippy, he thought in his head as he stared into the weird feeling of his past passing by him.

Hunger started to creep inside him as he saw images of his mother feeding him. He was shaking his fists begging for more. I guess that is the powerless feel you get when you are fed. You feel the desperation of the care giver to feed you. The problem was with the desperate feeling of wanting, just made him hungrier! He then remembered his mindfulness mediation technique of just observing the feeling as a passing cloud and watch it float away. He closed his eyes and visualised – to his amazement, it worked. Still feeling hungry he visualised his favourite food, tofu curry. When he opened his eyes a man in a dinner suit came down the train corridor with a trolley of food.

“Tofu Curry?” the man exclaimed in a French accent.

All Kevin could blurt out was, “Yes please!”

Once the food was on his lap, Kevin ate it with gusto and with regret felt acid reflux overwhelm him. Disappointed thoughts that he did not learn with his reflection and then he glimpsed a reflection in the window of an eight-year-old Kevin feeling sick and vomiting in the toilet.

The words, “Kevin is chucking sickas!” came out of the window.

It was his twin brother, who often made him feel very small with his put downs. Kevin realised that this might have been the start of the repressed shame. Luckily, another thought came to him that this is just a memory, and just be aware of the present moment. He had learnt from his journey into mindfulness and was grateful of this awareness to not get sucked into the identification with his thoughts.

Thoughts still raced through his head, but they were passing by quickly and the images of these thoughts were streaming outside in a hyper manner. Kevin could feel the speed of the train going faster and faster. It was going so fast that he felt that he could not move. His face started stretching in the direction of the chair. This created this stillness that felt peaceful, and he suddenly associated this with space, and he knew that you did not need to be in outer space to appreciate space. Some of his greatest memories were just looking down a hill and seeing the vastness beyond his neurotic monkey mind. The question is how do you create a purpose based on this spiritual concept?

This thought lead Kevin’s head to spin out of control. The train too now started feeling like it was going around in circles, but what could he do about this? It was a bit like being extremely drunk that made him want to vomit. So, without thinking, he opened the nearest window and let the nausea be expressed out of his mouth. While this happened, again visions of the past were seen. This time as a teenager and passed out on the grass with alcohol poisoning. Alcohol always seemed like a confusing drug for teenagers because adults would drink it but at the same time they would be not open enough about the dangers. The middle-aged man reflected how as a young person we naturally did not like the taste and maybe we should have trusted those instincts. Then again, who likes straight vodka! It was sort of a game young people played and if you struggled to assert yourself it was hard to say no, Kevin realising that maybe it due to fear from not being accepted into the social group, and we are social creatures.

Suddenly, this tormented man realised he needed to self-forgive because we all learn from our experiences if we forgive the past or else, we try to deny it and the same patterns happen. Easier said than done but as he saw the sun in the background it gave him hope that he could keep on shining because the world would want him to. He knew that there is a shining light out there and even if it is dark, the light will eventually shine. Then lights went out and everything was dark, but calmness instilled in Kevin, because he knew that the light will eventually shine…