The Darkness

I start to process the events of the night before. Somehow, the forest calls to me. I toss and turn in my bed, unable to rest. When I do awake, I awake abruptly and crudely.

I clutch my stuffed animal for comfort. I feel like I'm thirteen again, I haven't had a stuffed animal since then. The only reason why I have this one is because since my dog died, I needed something for comfort. I had one of a dog but I couldn't bear looking at it because it resembled her so much.

I decide to take a shower to cleanse off the cold sweat I awoke in. While in the shower, I start to think about how much I love the darkness, most people are afraid. The darkness shows us how the world truly is, when the world is engulfed in darkness it shows the true nature of things.

Sure, most people likely think that it is the opposite, but that's not true. When are we our best selves? At work? At school? Around friends? When are we ourselves, when it's late at night and we think no one is watching. But the dark always has eyes and ears.

I happen to love the dark. I can feel it coursing in my veins and I take all of it in. Darkness shows us our true selves, when you see someone at a party vs. at a club they are two different people. Clubs are a breeding ground for letting loose. Parties are a bit different; parties serve the intention of seduction where as clubs allow us to let go and feel the music flow through us and we can fall without fear.

Another thing about darkness is that it is always there for us. Light goes away, in our eyes, in the sky, and with all things eventually. Darkness is eternal and therefore it is always there. People who fear darkness usually fear the darkest parts of them. I have embraced that so no one can control me.

The night comes once more, and I find myself wandering out to the woods. The winds call my name, and comforts. Nature is always there. People are not. People will abandon you, use you until you have nothing left to give and then leave you like you mean nothing. Visualize yourself gone from the world and then envision the texts/calls that you will receive from those who miss you. Personally, I would get none. I fear nothing because I have nothing and no one; only the darkness.

My night terrors may have worsened, but once I realized that even if the creatures that manifested did so in real life, I would have already seen their true form; so they would not be scary to me. What more could I possibly have to lose?

I go deeper into the forest, and fall to my knees crying. Not from sadness, but from relief. The sky pours rain and summons thunder and lightning. I do not need to write, or describe to others how I feel, the sky does that for me. And in that one brief moment of pure and utter happiness; I find a way to kill every single ounce of emotion that I am feeling. But energy cannot truly be destroyed, only transferred.

I decide to transfer all of it into the sky, into the ground, into the Earth, and all around me. I pour everything I have until I am but an empty vessel and then he comes. Soaring down like a bolt of lightning from the sky. Not looking how I'd expect. He is taller than any man that I have seen, and he is red all over, he has two horns on his head that have been dulled down; I'm not sure if he is young for a deity or if he has done that himself.

He looks nothing like I expected him to. He reaches out his hand for me and says, "Come." His voice soothing like a calm breeze in the mid-summer heat. He teaches me how to channel my hatred for the world. With every second that my hand touches his, he channels the remaining emotions I have; like he has reached into the very ground I poured my heart into and pulled it out from it's very root.

We dance, and with every movement I feel better and better. We continue to dance with every single time I dream. He pulls me deeper and deeper into his trance. The other night he actually showed me his home; a warm and fiery place. With corridors and other friends. He has three. I am not special enough to meet them quite yet. Although one of them is quite anxious to meet me.

I was close to meeting them last night, I do not know it's name. Just a brief snippet of a face and a hoof. When you dance with the devil, you do not do so alone; it is the only time that I don't feel alone actually. Every sleeping moment I have I grow closer and closer to him; the dreams get more and more vivid.

I'm not sure if they're dreams or if I've been sleepwalking again. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel alone. But I need to sleep, that's the only time I see him. My dreams are either really good or really bad. I have no control over my dreams. I used to have good dreams and then they turned into night terrors; the difference is, I am no longer afraid of the nightmares because that fear is pointless, everything is pointless.

With every dream I get closer and closer to him, I have no friends anymore, no one close so what more do I have to lose? The following night, the dream is almost the exact same as how we first met. He leads me to the forest, but instead of me falling to my knees and crying, he wants to go for a walk for a bit. We end up walking and he asks me my favorite drink, food, and color. I think this is a bit odd seeing as he should already have known these things, but I answer them anyway.

Oddly comforting it is, to have someone ask mundane questions like that. I know I should stop walking with him and turn back but I can't. He is my only friend and I do not want to give that up. The dream ends up overlapping with other dreams that I have had; combination of nightmares and dreams that appear to be paradise.

It ends with me being with him half a football stadium away, and me chained to the post with the fiery river on the left of me. I try to awaken but I can't. I force myself to wake up only to find myself hovering over my lifeless body.

At least I'm not alone anymore.