The Cabin in the Woods

The cabin in the woods had been abandoned for years, but one night, a candle burned in the window.

The townsfolk had been waiting to see if what the sign said was true. The sign first appeared on the cabin door the week before. The day was November 28, 2012.

The sign said: “This dimension has qualified to be an annual host for Strongbox #805. The decision to select this dimension as a host was based on its estimated total number of cursed objects exceeding a minimum threshold of curses per dimensional occupant. This strongbox will appear for its first annual cursed object collection date on November 28, 2012. Each successive year, SB805 will appear approximately 27 days earlier than the previous year. Annually, this dimension will receive a 1 week notice, secured to this door, notifying it of the general date range when SB805 will appear again. When the candle in the window is lit, that will signify that the strongbox is open. All who apply for permanent secure storage will be seen with their cases reviewed by the clerk. Only qualifying cursed objects shall be accepted. Check in to this site regularly for updates regarding the details of this service, including acceptance criteria.”

Needless to say, everyone’s initial reaction was to either believe it was a hoax or to take it way too seriously and act totally paranoid. For one reason or another, the mayor and city council voted not to report it to the higher authority. They chose to keep it an internal matter that first year. As November 28th drew closer, barricades were set up and the police department kept constant surveillance on the cabin. Then finally came the big moment. The candle was suddenly lit. Moments later, the door opened and out stepped a monster. A creature that was nearly 7 feet tall with the head of a mantis shrimp. Or, to the locals who didn’t watch nature shows, a “psycho rainbow shrimp soldier.” It was holding a weapon no one had seen before. It looked like a sword and a rifle and we were all interested in seeing how it worked but no one wanted to really find out. The mantis shrimp took his post at the doorway and slapped a button on the end of his sword gun. Silver chromed stanchions connected by heavy chains materialized leading away from the cabin door and down into the woods, providing a path for people to form a line that seemed to go on forever.

To say that the police did not like the look of the shrimp guard was an understatement. They drew their weapons on it. The shrimp’s giant round eyes glanced at all of the policemen and their guns, collecting information about the situation. The shrimp then slapped another button on its chest. A white rectangle below that button started emanating a loud robotic voice. The voice said, “I am Jamesjames Frekk and I am the designated guard for Strongbox #805. I am authorized to adjust the behavior of anyone near the strongbox who demonstrates inappropriate or aggressive behavior. I have authorization to use deadly force against any perceived threat. I encourage all who come near the strongbox to maintain a calm and quiet demeanor due to my heightened sensory systems. Strongbox #805 is now open. Please use the clearly marked queue provided. Have a nice day.” It was hard to tell if the voice was pre-recorded or if Jamesjames was actually saying those words. From that day on, the only time we heard Jamesjames speak was when “inappropriate or aggressive behavior” happened. And it did! Jamesjames has killed no less than 14 people since he first showed up.

The police backed down and eventually left once a line started to form and they saw that the people who were entering the cabin did come out looking completely bewildered but otherwise unharmed. They say that everyone experiences the interior of the cabin in a unique way. Still, all went in with a cursed object and some exited without one, proving that the whole situation was real. Too good to be real too because our cursed objects were getting out of hand. Leading up to the appearance of SB805, the curses had become more numerous and deadlier than ever. From that point on, waiting for the candle to be lit in the window became an annual tradition that spread throughout our world. People came to our town from all over. They camped for weeks where they remembered the stanchions would appear. By following the updates posted on the door, we came to know many things about SB805 and the program our dimension was now a part of.

The cabin is called a “Strongbox” because it is very strong. We all thought this was pretty dumb-sounding but it’s the truth. It had to be strong in order to house the curses it was designed for. There are 4 levels of curses. A Level 1 curse is the weakest and it is a non-deadly, non permanent curse (NDNP). A Level 2 curse is a curse that is non-deadly but permanent (NDP). A Level 3 curse is deadly and non-permanent (DNP). And a Level 4 curse is a deadly permanent curse (DP). Only Levels 3 and 4 are approved for storage in a strongbox for obvious reasons. Levels 1 and 2 might be annoying but will only injure you at worst and they can be safely stored in our dimension. There are many strongboxes and each one makes annual visits to its specified dimensions. All stongboxes are capable of inter-dimensional travel. No one knows where they came from or how they came to be. They typically appear one week earlier than they did the year before because inter-dimensional time is approximately one week faster than our time. Each year, the clerk is different and the clerk is responsible for approving all qualifying cursed objects. If your object gets approved, it goes into storage in the strongbox and you never have to worry about it again. If it is not approved, don’t ever try to bring it back for approval again because the clerk has a record of every applicant in its history and there are severe consequences for wasting the clerk’s time. Basically, Jamesjames will kill you on the spot.

I saw it happen last year and it scared me so bad that I had to leave, giving up my opportunity to have my cursed object reviewed. A bunch of us left the moment we saw Jamesjames use his sword gun to slice the head off of a guy who had been stupid enough to test the system. Jamesjames then ate the head and vaporized the body with his gun. At least it was fast. I guess the guy didn’t even have a cursed object. He was told the previous year that it was actually just a haunted object. Still, it must have been pretty bad if he had been willing to risk his life to try again. Anyway, its first come first serve until everyone is seen, which is why people have started camping out even before the one week warning notice appears on the door. It is therefore also a very good idea to have a line partner so that you can take turns using the porta-potties or go get more supplies without losing your place in line. Last year, the final person was seen 2 weeks after the candle was lit. That should give you some idea of how bad the cursed object situation had become. This year, my line partner is my friend Jonas. Jonas discovered a cursed Charizard Pokemon card when he was playing Pokemon with another friend one day. On that day, the friend said, “This is my first time using it!” He eagerly used the card and immediately went up in flames and was reduced to ash in less than 5 seconds. Jonas has had it ever since, in order to keep it safe. He thinks it’s a Level 3 at least. He has never tried to get rid of it because it’s too dangerous to lose track of.

My curse is a Level 4 and I am finally going to unload it this year. However, this year is a little different. It being the 10th anniversary, our dimension received a bonus update that we had never gotten before. It read: “This is your dimension’s 10 year anniversary in the Inter-dimensional Strongbox Program. Therefore, this year, all applicants for cursed object storage will be subjected to a mandatory blood test to find new Strongbox Clerk interns. If selected, the internship is mandatory and may result in a permanent occupation as a strongbox clerk. At every 10 year event, between 2-10 new interns are selected through this ancient process that utilizes the most accurate dark magic genetic testing method available. Those who refuse to participate will be asked to leave the line and they will never qualify for cursed object storage ever again. Any acts of defiance may be interpreted as aggression by the guard.” We all knew what that last line meant. The stakes this year were going to be pretty high and mysterious. I almost backed out of it but my cursed object has taken it to the next level in the last few months by infiltrating my dreams so I need to take the risk. It’s just gotten so bad.

My cursed object. The best and worst thing ever. Three years ago, I was stepping out of a McDonalds with a Big Mac Combo Meal. Sitting on the ground outside was a homeless woman. Her hair was long and gray. Her skin was smooth and tan from the sun. I remember not feeling threatened because she was wearing a dirty blue shirt with an image of a cheerful cartoon banana that said, “There’s always money in the banana stand.” The homeless woman asked me for some money but I didn’t have any cash so instead, I gave her all of my fries. I thought it was a great thing to offer! Who doesn’t love McDonalds fries? The fries were perfect and glistened golden in the sun. I should have known better. The woman screamed, “I told you I want money!” and she shoved the fries back at me. The woman then sliced a deep scratch across the top of her hand and flicked the blood at me, getting it on my shoes, my bare leg, and on the fries which I was still holding extended towards her. And then she was just gone. And I mean, disappeared into thin air, gone.

I convinced myself that everything was ok but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I decided to test it. I knew the fries were deadly cursed that day when I offered some to the neighbor's dog. This dog had bitten me the first time I tried to pet it and it never stopped barking. Ever. Upon eating one fry, it immediately dropped dead. I do regret doing that. I should have thought it through. I knew the fries were a permanent curse when I buried them in the trash and they reappeared on my desk in my room the following morning, looking and smelling like they had just come out of the fryer. I have kept them in a small metal safe under my bed ever since and every time I looked at them, they looked, felt, and smelled exactly like they did when the witch cursed them. Freshly fried and glistening with oil, warm in their paper carton, smelling so amazing that my mouth waters every time. Their deliciousness is the perfect trap. And now I have dreams about eating them. The other morning I woke up to find myself holding them in bed. So I’m taking the chance this year, because these things might kill me soon anyway.

Now the fries are locked within my mini safe, inside of my backpack, which is not coming off until the fries are no longer mine. Jonas and I are about 20 people away from the front of the line. I’m way closer to the front than I was last year. Now, I just hope that nothing unexpected and terrifying will happen with the guard. Jamesjames is so scary. Jonas is indifferent. He is eating fruit snacks and listening to music on his phone. I made him use headphones so that we wouldn’t set off Jamesjames and his heightened sensory systems. Jonas wasn’t here last year when the guy got obliterated by Jamesjames and I don’t know how he would handle an incident that graphic. On the other hand, he saw his friend spontaneously combust and seemed to be fine afterwards. Did I mention that Jamesjames can temporarily duplicate himself? And I don’t mean holographs, I mean real physical copies of himself with all of the same capabilities and thought processes. Someone I know was in the line two years ago and saw it. Jamesjames duplicated himself and left his original on guard at the door while the duplicate walked down the line to deal with some people who were being inappropriate. The duplicate eliminated the “threat” while the original stayed behind. Then, the duplicate walked back to the original and they re-merged. Again, something I’m curious about but really don’t want to see first-hand.

Suddenly, the sound of someone gagging and coughing started to carry through the quiet forest. Where was it coming from? And then there was a voice.

A male voice saying, “I told him not to drink it. I told him it was cursed but he just took it from me.”

And another voice, a woman, saying, “You’re lying! He asked you if he could have a drink from your water bottle and you said ok! You gave him cursed water. Oh my god there’s so much sand!”

It was coming from behind us. I glanced up at Jamesjames and saw another Jamesjames separating from the original. It was deploying its duplicate. They stretched and broke away from each other, with something that looked like wet blue bubble gum spreading and shearing away between them as the duplicate started to walk down the line towards the source of the sound. I heard Jonas say, “Freaking sick! We get to see this?” I’m worried for Jonas. He is clearly desensitized. Moments later, duplicate Jamesjames is passing us and quickly approaching the small group of panicked people. The line still moves forward as the choking man is frozen in shock with sand pouring out his mouth. Jamesjames takes out his sword gun and vaporizes all three people. He immediately turns back around to return to his original. The deed is done without any extra drama. The line is moving forward again. I’m staying this time. Honestly, the incident in the line last year was worse.

It’s almost Jonas’ turn. He looks happy and impatient. “Two days of waiting in this line and I finally get my turn!”

I ask him to not speak so loudly. And, I ask him, “Are you afraid of being selected for the internship?”

He looks at me like I’m insane and says, “No way! I hope I get chosen. It’s boring here and I hear the retirement plan is pretty awesome.”

I’m confused about why a 12 year old even cares about retirement plans and how he even found that out when the last person to enter the cabin pops out of the doorway, almost knocking into Jamesjames. This person, a woman wearing an oversized yellow shirt, blue and black leopard print bike shorts, and a straw visor, looks at Jonas, holds up her pointer finger that is dyed blue up to the middle knuckle, and whispers, “Not it.” We don’t know what she means by this but I assume that it has something to do with the blood test. It’s Jonas’ turn. He gives me an absent-minded side hug and waltzes in like he’s going to a public restroom and he’s going to be right back. The blood test. I almost forgot all about it.

Eight tense minutes later, he’s waltzing right back out. He shows me his blue finger and says, “It wasn’t me either.” He looks disappointed. “But my Charizard was a level 3 and they took it so I guess I’m happy. It’s your turn now Anya.” The bottoms of my feet suddenly ache like the floor just fell out from beneath me. My lungs accidentally skip breathing their next breath.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I say. “Wish me luck Jonas.”

He holds his hand out and I slap and fist bump it sloppily while I stare at Jamesjames who’s staring at me with one giant pink eye and I start unsteadily walking towards the door. “I wonder what the cabin will look like for you Anya. It was like being in a Panda Express for me!” I barely realize what he’s talking about before I cross the threshold. Inside the door is a small room with wooden walls and the window with the lit candle. There is a second door. Since the little room I am in is empty, I am probably still in the entryway. On the other side of the second door is the real room. I watch the second door open itself, the knob turning enough to allow it to open 3 inches and through the crack is nothing but blackness. I want to run out. This is too much. I am starting to get that dark feeling of regret in my throat. Suddenly everything goes quiet and a high pitched buzzing sound that I can hear with both ears at first, travels to just my right ear, loud and distracting. My face feels like it is behind a mask made of static. I feel my legs carry my body towards the second door, my right hand reaching for the knob, and through the doorway I go, propelled by something subtly not myself.

A man’s voice says, “We had to help you through the door. You were quite afraid. Once you enter the first door, you are obligated to go through the second.”

I am in a room that is filled wall-to-wall and floor to ceiling with all kinds of lush green plants. There is a skylight made from panes of glass that allows light to filter in. There is no trace of pine trees from the forest outside. On the right side of the room is a large fountain with pink, black, and white tiles. The fountain looks like a wading pool. It looks familiar. The thing that doesn’t belong is the candle. On the left side of the room there is a small rough wooden window with nothing but blackness on the other side. Sitting on the window ledge is the lit candle that can be seen from the outside of the cabin. It’s definitely the same candle. There is also a basic wood and wrought iron bench next to the fountain. Sitting on the bench are two people who are also out of place. One is a middle aged man with a featureless face and small sharp eyes. The other is a young woman with short straight blond hair and glasses. Her right pointer finger is stained magenta. They are both human.

The man speaks again, “I am Farlan Obersteraxus. I am the current senior Strongbox Clerk for SB805. This is Bandy Murrmurr, my intern. You are in a projection of a water feature from a mall you used to go to with your mom when you were a child.” It is hard for me to pinpoint how all of this makes me feel. Is it possible to feel comfortable and terrified simultaneously?

Farlan, with the last name that sounds like a dinosaur, gestures to me to sit down. They are sitting on the only bench so I sit down on the edge of the fountain.

“Do I need to fill out any paperwork?” I ask. I am always concerned about the details, even the ones that don’t seem to matter.

Farlan replies, “No. We already have your personal information. We just need to see the object you have brought today. Can you please get it out for us?”

I nod and pull off my backpack, fumbling with the zipper before the backpack is even positioned on my lap. I pull out the mini safe and open it. There, inside, are the perfect french fries. The smell fills the room, making it feel even more like a mall. Their eyes grow large when they see it.

“Bandy, this is a very good one.” He takes the fries from my hand. “Whatever you do, don’t eat them, obviously. And wash your hands afterwards. You don’t want to absorb any of the oil. This is definitely a Christina Maerscheau curse. Anya, we will accept this cursed object. It is remarkably strong. Have you been dreaming about it?”

I stare at him with my mouth slightly open before I finally say, “Yes! Oh my god, like a few weeks ago I started to dream about eating them and I woke up with them in my hand one morning!”

He looks like he already knew this. “Anya, you encountered a very dangerous witch named Christina Maerscheau. She specializes in food-based curses, making her curses especially dangerous. Before this cursed object is permanently stored it will be studied by our curse forensics department. We would ultimately like to capture Christina Maerscheau but it has been very challenging gathering any evidence on her. Her curses usually get completely eaten. I’m not sure how you resisted.”

He looks at me with…a look. “Bandy, please put it carefully in transport storage.” Bandy stands up and pulls some gloves out of her back pocket and puts them on. They are black and slightly sparkly. I would love to have some sparkly gloves like those, I think to myself. She takes the fries and disappears behind some large dense shrubs with them.

“Maybe you will.” says Farlan.

Mind reader. I don’t make eye contact but I can tell he is staring at me with his pointed little eyes. I think I know what is going to happen next.

Farlan says, “Take the tea cup and put your right index finger in it until the tip of your finger touches the bottom of the cup.”

I almost say, “what tea cup,” but I see it. Next to me, to my right on the fountain edge, is the tea cup with regular-looking tea in it. It wasn’t there before, but now it is. I pick it up and hold it with my left hand, stalling like I have a choice.

“You don’t have a choice,” he says.

“I know that! Do you have to be in my head?” I shout back.

I didn’t mean to be so loud. He stands up. He’s short. Really, really short. I just didn’t notice it when he was sitting down. His back is to the candle window and I have nowhere to go, except for into the fountain. Maybe I can just…

“You shouldn’t try that. You should just put your finger in the cup. If you refuse to do the blood test, I’m giving you a brand new Level 4 cursed object to take home with you. That is, if Jamesjames allows you to leave.”

I’m starting to panic. No choices. None at all. Except for totally spontaneous ones. I abruptly toss the tea over my head and somersault towards the candle window and under his reach. Then, I pop up and I do something crazy. I blow out the candle. A random thought enters my mind. The cup made no noise when it landed.

An intense bright light suddenly shines through the window and my unsuspecting eyeballs get blasted with it. I am blinded and I immediately feel ropes tightening around my wrists and ankles. They wrap up my limbs and pull me to the ground. My vision returns and I see that the candle is actually still lit. Around my limbs are vines, not ropes. Farlan is prying open my hand to expose my pointer finger and Bandy is holding the tea cup. Together, they shove my finger into the tea until it hits the bottom of the cup. Immediately, I learn how this is considered a blood test. The tea starts to bubble. Not because it’s hot though. It feels like a million tiny piranha are nibbling my finger to the bone. The tea turns blood red and the pain intensifies.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” I say in panicked pain.

"You're ok. It's almost done," says Bandy knowingly.

Next, the tea starts to turn magenta, definitely more pink than red. The bubbling suddenly stops and the tea returns to its normal transparent brown color. Farlan and Bandy let go of me, as do the vines. I remove my poor finger and it looks fine but it’s stained magenta, not blue like Jonas’.

“Oh crap,” I say.

Bandy looks tired and apologetic.

Farlan looks indifferent but I swear I think he’s smirking. “Looks like you get to have some sparkly gloves. Welcome to the Strongbox Clerk Internship Program, Anya. If you pass the program and get your own strongbox, you will get plenty of perks. We have a great retirement program.”

Great. Just great.